JimTrip Show full post »
JimTrip
This forum and all of you wonderfully kind people have had an impact on me...  a kind of solace I wouldn't have found elsewhere, and I thank you so much for that.  It's been four weeks now since Tink has been gone.  I am still reminded of her continually by things I hear or smell or see.  Sometimes my mind wanders and I'll look up expecting to see her; or, the doorbell will ring and I'll wonder for a second why she's not barking.  Her spot beside me on the couch is conspicuously empty.  I am hyper-alert to stories involving pets and readily get tears in my eyes when reading a story about pets and owners being reunited, or how a an animal is rescued by a good soul, or when those blasted ASPCA commercials come on with Sara McLachlan singing In the Arms of an Angel in the background.  Well....   not Blasted actually.  You know what I mean.  

I carry this sadness with me most of the time.  I come to work and act happy despite not feeling it, because as a nurse my job is to make people feel better.  Hence the "fake it 'til you make it" concept?  I think I am trying not to withdraw, but maybe it's happening all the same anyway.  I read and clean and knit and cook and stay really busy; I'm very fortunate to have a ton of hobbies.  I have begun the process of becoming a volunteer at our Humane Society, because despite all the sadness and solemnity I'm wearing on the outside, I still have a lot of love in my heart to give to homeless animals.  I just hope I don't try to bring them all home.    Uh oh.  Was that levity?  

I still have a lot of heart-rending words to read in this forum and realize there are many people who share my grief, bless you all.  I come here to seek comfort and I find it.  I now know the mist will clear and that I will eventually feel a sweeter sadness and good memories when I think about Tink.  Life will continue to cycle and I will feel more resolute.  Thank you everyone for being here.  
James L Trippe
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Nancyj
Hi Jim,
I feel much the same as you do.  It's going on six weeks since the loss of my Timmer.  I cry every day.  Sometimes I think "Oh, I haven't cried yet today" and then later on I'm on my knees asking God to help me with the pain.  Yesterday the sun was out and as it was setting it cast a bright orange and red on the houses across the street  and it made me so sad and I just lost it.  I used to carry Timmer around the house and we would look out the window of the back door at the sunsets.  The worst for me is when i have to go buy food for my other cat and I stand in the aisle and cry looking at all the foods he loved.  Sometimes I feel like I'm getting worse, not better.  Part of me doesn't want to live anymore, but i know that is absurd because I really do want to live.
People ask me "how are you doing?" and i burst into tears.  I've also had an alleged friend scream at me about how much money I spent trying to save him.  We are no longer friends.

Sometimes they just hold a special place in our hearts like no one else has ever done.  
Sometimes I wonder if I just haven't allowed myself to move forward because the grief is a part of Timmer and if I let the grief go, I might be letting him go.

He's not the first animal I have lost or even human I have lost. I've lost most of my family, but I swear I cry the hardest over him.  And yet I look at photos of other cats I've lost and I don't feel sad. I feel a sweet fondness.  I hope you and I reach that point where the good outweighs the pain.

And oh boy...humane society.  Good luck with that one!  :-) Occasionally I look at the local animal protective league website and I tell my self uh  oh...I better get off this site.  Sometimes i think the only thing that will help me is adopting another sweet soul but I'm not ready yet and I have one more cat in the house to consider.  She never got along with Timmer and so I want her final time (years) to be peaceful with me.  We'll see.
Nancy
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