I don't know where to start with this. I haven't been able to stop crying all night. I just need to talk about her somehow.

I lost my Casey, my beautiful little girl, one month ago last Sunday. She was my best friend, and everything to me. My little ray of sunshine, the reason I got out of bed everyday, she always made me smile even when things seemed hopeless. I have severe anxiety, and I'm housebound with agoraphobia. My world is very small, and I don't really have any friends. But I never really felt too lonely with her around. I've had her since she was only a few weeks old, the last of her litter looking for a home, and I was 10, and my little girl had just turned 16 when lymphoma took her from us. I grew up with her, and I've only ever had one night away when she had an operation several years ago. She was always there, she loved being with us, we talked to her like she was a member of the family, because she was. She was included in every conversation - because she'd always join in if you didn't! - and she was the light of our lives during some very turbulent times over these past few years. She held us together, she got us through so much. She was such an intelligent, funny, unique little princess, I could never put into words just how special she was. She was like a tiny, fluffy human than a cat.

Our world fell apart one bank holiday in April, she'd been acting a bit strange, looking unsettled, breathing a bit differently. We'd resolved to take her in if it didn't improve, because she's always had hairballs and indigestion problems, and she hated the vet so much and was terrified every time she went - she didn't like strangers and often hid from them; like me, she was an anxious little thing. But a few days later her breathing became very laboured, and she coughed up a bit of blood and we rushed her in to the emergency vet. Her lungs had fluid in them they had to drain, she'd been struggling getting enough oxygen and after some tests, the worst news came to us. She had a very large lump in her stomach the vet said she must have had a while. They gave us steroids, and when we asked about a diet for her (cat food made her throw up terribly) their response was along the lines of whatever we wanted, I guess the implication being it didn't matter much because of how she was. I was in denial, because I couldn't conceive of a world without her in it. We looked for things online to make her better, we bought some vitamins and medicine that some people had said shrank tumours,  we gave them to her, she was on a diet of fresh home-cooked meals and broth. For a few weeks, she really bounced back. The vet said she had a kitten's heart, and I think I clung onto those words. I thought she'd recover, looking back I was so naive, but the thought of losing her wasn't something I could begin to deal with. I really had no idea of her prognosis or what to expect. She would dip, go off her food for a day, then come back with a vengeance. It was terrifying, and draining, but I never for a moment thought I'd lose her, as silly as it sounds. I didn't want to give up on her. I couldn't. I went on as if everything were okay, normal, and I hate myself for it. I should have been more aware of how serious it was, I should have prepared. I should have treasured each and every moment. Then one day, in August, she didn't bounce back. I can't talk about it yet. We lost her.

I spent the first week in tears, but in a sort of "suspended disbelief" kind of reality. Fantasies of mistakes, of the vet ringing to say she was all right... they were in the back of my mind. It hadn't sunk in yet, it wasn't concrete. Then her ashes came back, and I couldn't deal with what it made me feel. I shut myself off from the grieving, it was too final, too painful. I couldn't really cry. I slept all day. I watched films, played games, anything to avoid facing it. Then last week I talked about it with my counsellor, and it all came out, as if all the pain I'd been pushing down sprang out all at once. I've been crying non-stop, calling for her, just saying "come back" over and over, I miss her so much it's tearing me apart. I've lost my best friend, my companion, and I'm so lost and broken. My world has been destroyed. I can't really talk to anyone about it except my therapist every two weeks, and the people I do know are confused and put off by the intensity of my pain. They don't understand, they didn't know her and and see how amazing she was. It hurts more than not saying anything. My family have come to terms with it better than me, and I feel like I'm on an island alone with the immense grief. They're going away for a few days on vacation, and the thought of being alone without her is making me feel sick. I've just stopped functioning.

Every hour of every day brings a new wave of pain, loneliness, of memories and realisations, of things we won't have anymore. I've been looking through her pictures and just sobbing. I don't know what to do. The pain hurts so much. I love her more than anything, and I know I was lucky to have her for as long as I did, but it still somehow seems like she went too soon. But then any amount of time never would have been long enough, really. She just deteriorated so quickly, even knowing how poorly she was, it was still so sudden and hard to accept. Reading this forum brought me incredible comfort over these past weeks, and I've been in awe of the kindness and understanding of people here, but lately it doesn't feel like I'll ever feel be OK, that nothing can help the pain. She was always the one and often only thing that got me through the hard times and I don't know what to do. I love you so much, Case. I'm a mess without you here.

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Your kitty is stunningly beautiful! I’m sorry you are in so much pain, but it is understandable. You had her for 16 years and the bond you shared is surely missed. Although you don’t see her, your kitty is still with you. One month is not a very long time and please know that in time the pain will become less. Would you consider getting another kitty at some point in the future? Sending you lots of hugs.
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Oh my goodness. Casey was absolutely gorgeous. I had a kitty that looked like her who lived to be 19. It is so painful to have to let them go. As your constant companion, the emptiness you are feeling is overwhelming. The well of tears is endless. But with time, you will come to replace your sadness with smiles and gratitude that you were blessed with a little angel for 16 glorious years. Take care of yourself during this time of mourning.
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I am so sorry for your loss. I feel the exact way you are feeling. My precious girl also died of cancer (vets suspect) at 14.5. (((Hugs)))
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Hi LittleKitty, Case was very beautiful and what a lovely picture you've posted! She sounds like she was a wondefult little cat and it's easy to see how close you were and how much you loved her! Grieving is just so painful and so hard to go through. Sometimes you feel like your heart will burst with the weight of it and you're right, it doesn't feel real because it's just too much loss and pain to take in all at once. When you feel like talking more about what happened this is a good place to let it out.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Hugs to you,
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The hard part for me is getting your mind wrapped around the whole thing as your situation is similar to mine.   Picking up the ashes is strange as you brought the cat to the vet never knowing she wouldn't be coming back. I did have an inkling it might happened but waited to see.  It is painful at home and there is a kind of nothingness out there now. 
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I'm so sorry you lost your beautiful Casey.  She was a beauty and the picture you posted of her is gorgeous.  Please know that you are not alone in your grief. It is perfectly normal to be feeling the way that you feel.  It hasn't been that long at all.  I lost my beautiful Siamese boy in January and I still cry over him at times.  I still miss him so much.  I had him for 15 years.  I have another kitty that I love immensely, but there will never be another Mitookie.  My prayers are with you.  I hope you find peace and some healing on this forum.  I know that I did and still do.  Take good care of yourself.  I believe you will see Casey again one day and that she will be fully restored and happy to see you too.  Take it day by day, minute by minute if you have to.  The pain is so hard to deal with, but you are in good company.  We all understand what you are feeling. Please come to the forum often and tell us more about beautiful Casey.

Hugs and kindness to you,

Marina ~ Mitookie's Mom
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