heartsick
I am very sorry for all of your losses. I lost my furry baby three weeks ago today and I cannot eat or sleep. The not sleeping is beginning to get to me. I am divorced, but when I was married I buried my son. This loss is no different. My baby was my heart and soul and I loved him exactly like he was my son. To me he was my son and most days I forgot that I did not give birth to him. I love him so much. I know that almost 14 years is a long time and I am grateful he was not sick or in pain. We went to sleep and only one of us woke up an hour later. I just cannot function. I am a mess. I am a writer and I cannot write. I am working on a book and I can't bring myself to even look at it. I just don't care right now. I don't care about anything. I feel sick to my stomach all of the time.The first week I was kept busy with funeral plans. I had a graveside service and I used the same service I used when my son died. When I do manage to doze off for an hour or so I have violent and awful dreams- make that nightmares! I am barely managing to do anything. I rescued a pregnant dog right off the road a year ago and I still have six puppies here. If it were not for them I don't think I would even get out of bed. I love them BUT they do not make me feel better because they are not my missing child. I feel like I am going crazy though I know that I am grieving. I cry ALL of the time at the drop of a hat. I went to a support group but there were six people there and the group only met for an hour; not nearly enough time for all of us.

If anyone can tell me how to get through the night I would appreciate it. I sit up and cry until morning and then, completely exhausted I go and feed the puppies, and then pass out on my bed alone. I have not slept without my baby in nearly fourteen years. I haven't planned a meal without thinking about what he was permitted to eat either. I am such a wreck of a human being - just a complete mess of tears and exhaustion.

 

Thank you.

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heartsick
I appreciate that I have this place to vent my heart. My baby saved me, he literally is the reason I am alive. He was always my reason for living. I don't know how to live without him. For close to fourteen years we were all each other had in the world. I am so shattered into a zillion tiny shards that I know I will never be put back together. I don't ever expect to be who I was before but I don't think I will ever have a day I don't have to remind myself to breathe. I ache to the marrow of my bones and I don't know how to not. I know I have to feel like this until I just don't feel like this anymore - it is just that the pain is so searingly deep. I try to do things or force myself to try and do things and I just can't. I barely get out of bed and I am grateful for the computer so I have some contact with the outside world. The only place I go is the supermarket because I have to feed the puppies and my bunnies. I don't want to come home because my entire rountine is gone. Everything I did everyday was for the two of us. I would always honk the horn when I pulled into the driveway and he knew I was home. Now I still honk the horn before I remember he is not inside. So I don't want to go home but I don't want to go anywhere else where I will have to speak to anyone. I drag myself into the house and do the bare minimum I need to do before I crawl onto the bed and put on the computer. I can't sleep so I just look for somewhere I can find help online. I am glad I found this site.
Thank you.
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steph582
Dear Heartsick,

I am in the exact situation as yours, I lost my 3 months old puppy last Saturday and today is my birthday. I don't even get to celebrate my first birthday with my little Biscuit. I can't eat and sleep. I only cry and cry. I've took one whole week off work but still I feel the pain and can't drag myself to work. My little Biscuit meant the whole world to me. I love him with all my heart but he was gone too soon...

Anything and everything reminds me of him. I would bring him snacks every evening to his burial site just so he could have his snacks. I can't sleep at night because his last moments are playing in my head over and over again. He passed on in my arms. Imagine I have those moments playing in my mind every night. It's been a week now. I am still ill and weak. I still can't bear the fact of losing him.

One thing though - cry whenever you want to, even if it's in the middle of the night. Take as long as you need to grief. Follow your heart, don't push yourself move on because time will help you to move on and heal. I am glad I found this site and everyone has been very supportive. If you want to private message me, I'm always available. I would like to be there for you, and remember your baby and my baby are in a better place now, all healthy and happy. They will play together happily. They are alright and one day, we'll join them and they'll be in our arms again...
Hugs....

Steph
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heartsick

I just can't believe he is gone. I tell myself he is in the hospital (like when he tore his ACL and needed surgery) and they will call me and tell me to come and pick him up. I love him so much that I can't accept that he will never be next to me again. He was always on my left side - when I was writing, sleeping, eating, on the phone, on the computer, whatever... he was ALWAYS right here by my side. I think he still is and I can't accept, at least not yet, that he is not ever going to be there again. I sleep with his favorite toy. I buried him with his other favorites. The rest are with his blankies on my bed, there was no room in the casket. I didn't like the pillow in the casket so I cut a piece of his blankie and made him a softer pillow. I put a lock of my hair and photos of us under his pillow because I have a lock of his hair under my pillow. I love him with every single atom in every cell of my entire being. I think I have aged around twenty years in the last three weeks. I had a white gold bracelet made when he was born. It had a small diamond heart charm on it and I had a small ruby added to the heart because that was his birthstone. The day after he died the bracelet broke. I put the heart on a chain around my neck and I have not taken it off. I guess he wanted me to wear it closer to my heart. I am so grateful for being able to write that here and I know that none of you will think I am out of my mind crazy. I am just crazy with grief and cannot function. If any of you have any advice on how I can sleep when it is dark outside I would appreciate it. I need sleep desperately. Being sleep deprived makes you a little off anyway so on top of the grieving I am very off.

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donnalee
Dear Heartsick,  I am so very, very sorry for your loss.  It is obvious you loved your little boy with all your heart and you are completely devastated.  The deep pain you are feeling comes through clearly in your writing.  Your pain may be even deeper than others since you have lost your human son, as well.    That is a lot of loss for one to endure.  
I am very concerned about you since you say you can not sleep or eat and you can barely get out of bed.  There is such a fine line between deep grief and deep depression.  It is easy to cross over into that deep depression and we need help to get out of it when it happens.   I want to encourage you to find a grief counselor that can meet with you one-on-one, not a group thing.   On the home page of this website, you can arrange to talk to someone and they can possibly guide you.    If you have a good doctor, you might want to talk to him/her about prescribing something to help you sleep.  Yes, you must grieve and you need to grieve as deeply and as long as you need to.  Pain and sadness is a necessary part of grieving, but, a lack of sleep and basic nutrition can set off other psychological and emotional problems and keep you from going through the grieving process in a way that eventually helps us to cope with this loss.  Heartsick, my heart is breaking for you.  I hope you will take this step to get some help, if for no other reason, so you can get some much needed sleep.  From what you write, I know you understand what sleep deprivation can do to a person.  Sleep deprivation on top of the grief is just too much.
I DO believe that your little guy did INDEED want that heart charm close to your heart and that WAS a sign he sent you.  He wants you to know he is just fine, very happy, and in a wonderful place.  What he wants more than anything is for you to be happy, at least be at peace, with his transition to the next life.  He is not gone, he just moved to another place.  You say you think of him as at the vet's.  He is actually at a place so much better than the vet's office and in the best hands possible! 
I know you aren't up for looking for the good in the situation just yet but I remember when I first realized how fortunate I was to have my boy with me when he passed and that his passing was peaceful.  After I started coming to this site and I read of the experiences of so many others and I began to realize not everyone has that privilege.   I also began to focus on how grateful I was to have him in my life for the time I had him (only 5 years) and how much he taught me about love and life during that time.    As I started to shift my thinking, my feelings began to follow, and I eventually got better.  But, it is not easy and it takes a lot of time. 
For now, I hope you will look for a grief counselor or a doctor that can give you some help.  I'll be praying for you.
steph582, I'm going to send you a private message. 
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heartsick
My son died in my arms and I am so grateful that my Bear died in his sleep curled up with me. I will forever be grateful he was not sick or in pain or in a hospital but here on my bed with me. I am grateful for every single second of my precious child's life. I just hurt so desperately because we were all each other had for almost fourteen years and now I am so alone. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your caring and concern. I have been feeling as if no one on the planet cared about me except the one who is gone now. You made me feel like I am not crazy and there are people who care.
Thank you.
I look forward to your private message as there are things I can say there that I don't feel comfortable saying here.
Thank you again - just for caring.
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judylinn
The sleep thing is a big issue, and it can totally distort things being sleep deprived. If I were you I would go to the doctors, and ask for some sleep aid. Doctors are well aware of the depth of pain that losing our beloved babies can cause. I don't know where you live, but is there a pet loss support group anywhere? I see a counselor, and that and this site, is what helped me to be okay 9 months later.
I wrote on your other thread, but again, I am so sorry for your loss. Judy
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heartsick

I miss my baby Bear so much I am sure I see him out of the corner of my eye but as soon as I turn my head I remember that he is not there and I cry all over again. I did get some sleep last night and that helped a little bit. It is the waking up and reliving it all that makes me cry all over again. I still don't want to get out of bed but I have to. Someone has to take care of the puppies and bunnies. I have to leave the house today and I don't know if I can do it but I have to get the bunnies dandelion greens and I have to get bottled water for everybody, including me. When I am in the grocery store I am okay because Bear was never permitted to go there with me. When I get home I don't want to go in because he is not there so I sit in the car and cry. I physically ache for him. My heart is broken and my soul is shattered. Bear gave me back my life when he was just 8 weeks old. He and I immediately bonded and I knew he was my little soul-puppy forever. He saved me completely. He saved me everyday and everyday I told him how lucky I was that he let me be his mom. Now I am just empty and cry all of the time.

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Spookysmon
Dear Heartsick,

I am so sorry for your loss.  I read your post and I started to cry.  I lost my Spooky almost 6 weeks ago after 17 years together.  He was sick so I planned my whole life around him.  He was my constant companion.
It does feel like you lost a child, but you need to eat and sleep.  I know how hard it is, but you can't make yourself sick.  I didn't eat or sleep, in fact, I still have problems sleeping.  I still have to force myself to go on everyday.

I know your pain and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Kitty
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heartsick
Thank you Kitty. The more people who write to me that they understand my grief and pain the more I feel the grief ease - at least for the moment I am reading the post. It helps to know that people understand and care. I am sorry for the loss of your baby also. I think most of the sleeping thing is because for almost 14 years I felt my Bear up against my back, the back of my neck, or in the crook of my legs. Sometimes he would lay his head over my hip or my ankles. So now I have to figure out how to sleep with out that weight. Two nights ago I built myself a nest and piled up his blankets so I could lean my back against that weight (I used 5 blankets like he was there) and I did sleep for 7 hours. Last night I did night sleep at all and I am still awake. I am going to try and sleep a little bit now. Thank you for your kindness, especially while you are going through your own grief. I hope you find a way to sleep also.
Susan (heartsick)
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Spookysmon
I understand about not sleeping.  Spooky would always sleep on my left side or in the middle between my husband and I.  He would go under the covers and snuggle against my husband or me. I can't get used to not having him there.  I still need help sleeping, Spooky was a habit I never thought I'd have to live without. 

I'm so sorry that you lost your son, it makes everything worse.  I lost my Dad to cancer so, I understand the double loss. 

Things will ease as time goes on.  I've learned to accept Spooky's loss, but I still miss him every single day.  I know he wouldn't want me to feel as bad as I do--he would swat me with his paw!  Try and focus on the good times you had with Bear. 

Please take care!

Kitty
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heartsick

I just realized that exactly 4 weeks after Bear died I am supposed to be at a huge event at the Javits center in New York City. How am I going to be able to spend all day smiling, talking to people, and enlarging my contacts in the publishing industry when I can barely get out of bed and this event is in 1 week. It is now 3 weeks since Bear died and 2 weeks since his funeral. Next week will be four weeks and I have to go. There is no way for me not to go. I have no idea how I will get through the day. I am such a weeping sobbing mess right now. People will not understand if I suddenly burst into tears - I might as well burst into flames - it would get the same reaction. I don't know what to do except not think about it and just deal with  it next week. I am still so sick to my stomach and crying I can't imagine having an intelligent conversation about the book I am supposed to be writing. I haven't looked at the manuscript since Bear died. He was helping me write it. I would open the computer on the bed and he would get his bone and put his head on my knee and chew while I wrote so I could absent mindedly stroke and touch him. He was my first reader - he listened to every word I wrote. Now I just talk to myself so I haven't even looked at the manuscript. It is only 30,000 words and it needs to be around 80,000 fairly soon. How do I get through that day next week?

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heartsick
The book is called Saving Sophie and it is about the dog I rescued. It was supposed to be a happy book because Sophie was taken off of the streets and out of abuse and harm and I delivered all ELEVEN puppies and everyone is happy and healthy. However, now there is no way to write the book without including the death of my precious boy. I can't even look at the manuscript at the moment without my Bear right next to me so I am already 3 weeks behind schedule and I don't even care. When I write I usually get about 2,000 words done at a time so I will catch up on that. I just can't write about all of this right now and make it make sense. It is still way too raw and I am still crying way too much to see the words.

However if you want to smile go to YOUTUBE and put in the search box
Sophie's Puppies - Feeding Time and 9 videos should come up of the babies from when they were three weeks old to around 6 months old. I still have a few up for adoption. I am keeping two. Right now I am keeping all 6 because it is too much loss at one time. They are Lab-Beagle-Boxer mix puppies, and way too smart for their own good.

Here is my brilliant Bear.
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heartsick

I am having a very tough day. I MUST get out of the house as the bunnies need food and we all need water. I also have to pick up a prescription for me and maybe I will sleep better soon. I slept 5 hours last night but it involved nightmares again. I woke up at 5 am and put the TV on and thought, "Oh, I have to keep the volume down so I don't wake the baby." Then I remembered and everything started all over again. I am having a great deal of trouble forcing myself to get out of the house. It is already almost 2pm and I need to pick up my prescription before 3:45 and I am not sure I will make it. I have to- I know. It is just difficult to drive and cry. I am beginning to feel hungry however. I am not sure if that is just because I have not eaten in so long or because it is a good sign. We will see. I just miss my baby Bear so very much it hurts. He loved my dad second to me. Whenever my parents would send us a package he would sniff the inside like my father was in there because it always had the scent of his cologne in it. Today was the first package I received from my parents since Bear went and when I got a whiff of the scent it sent me into overload and the tears began again. I am a mess and I don't want to leave the house. I plan on trying to get enough supplies to last until at least Friday so I don't HAVE to go out if I don't want to for a few days. I know I have to go through this because there is no way around it. It will take a year of firsts to 18 months - I know this too. However, knowing does not make it hurt any less.

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donnalync
Heartsick,
I know how you feel. You remind me of me in April when my Boo passed after a a brief illness. I just couldnt face that she was gone. I'd look out on the lawn where she loved to sit in the sun, just trying to get the image back and give me comfort. The lonliness was devastating. I was with her everyday for 14 years.  She was my all in all, my comfort when I needed it. It was me and Boo...Boo and me...that is how it was....I started to fall into a depression, not wanting to even be here...wondering what my life would be like without her...but one day I woke up and read an email from someone that said God Grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I know it's an AA statement, but I realized that I could not change the fact that she was gone...and there were other things i could change, like trying to be happy again, make something of my life again...so I got another puppy. It was hard first as i wasnt sure i could love him, and he certainly does NOT compare with my Boo, but he takes my  mind everyday and keeps it busy.  That was all I could ask for.  I cried today for my Boo when I went through her toys that she loved...and will NOT let my Teddy play with them. THey are forever Boos...my heart still aches for her, for her little eyes looking at me..for her walks with me...for her sitting by my side as i work on the computer...i dont have the answers except that life continues...and we do the best we can to get through the day and help others...and perhaps other animals...like Teddy. I hope I can be what he needs and I hope he turns out to give me a little of what Boo was...I dont know how, but I think after some years maybe I will have a special bond with him like with Boo....she was my baby...I wrote a poem for her a few days later...I will copy and paste below....
Ode to Boo Boo 3/1997-4/2/2011

I feel your presence, you are everywhere
In the trees, the grass, the birds in the air.
Your spirit lives in the nature you loved so much,
If only I can see you again, one last touch.
Oh please Time, don't let these memories fade
Keep alive the love and connection that we made.
You were my child, my constant companion, my friend
I never imagined that what we had would end.
I am numb. I don't know what to feel
In a daze, it doesn't seem real.
My little girl, where are you now?
I cry for you, I don't know how
this empty life will ever be,
Without your presence I cannot see.
I am half, not whole, when you left me here
In my heart I will always keep you near.
And someday, when my time is at an end,
Please be there waiting for me...my partner, my friend.
donnalyn 4/18/11
I love you Boo


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