Christi88
Hi! My name is Christi. Thanks for welcoming me to this site. Like others here, I am struggling with the loss of my pet. I don’t think most people understand the pain I’m feeling. I’m so glad I found this site and would like to share our story.
10 years ago I went through a horrible split after a 12 year relationship. I wasn’t just alone, I was also an empty nester and my kids lived out of state. Being an animal lover, I decided to adopt a puppy. Bentley was just 8 weeks old and stole my heart. He was the one in the litter that just kind of hung out at the back of the crowd. I guess you could say he was an underdog! I picked him because I’ve always been the type to take the underdog under my wing.
We connected immediately! He was my everything! It was basically just the two of us from the start. He wasn’t very social. He didn’t like many other people or other dogs. I guess because he thought he wasn’t a dog, but a little mini me. We went everywhere together. He really liked the people at the drive through because he knew he’d get some treats! He loved long car rides and was excited about semis and confused about men on motorcycles. Bentley knew how to read me, probably better than I could read myself.

A few months ago, he was diagnosed with an intestinal disease, Protein Losing Enteropathy. Basically he wasn’t able to absorb protein or other vital nutrients anymore. We had him on special food and high doses of steroids hoping this would stabilize or go into remission. Over the past few months, I’ve watch his little body shrink away. I could feel his bones, his spine from his neck all the way down to his tail. His muscle mass was depleting. His appetite was crazy good! It was like he was starving to death and couldn’t get enough food! His protein level came up but then it went back down. He was losing weight. I knew at that time, we were losing the battle.

He just wouldn’t give up! He still greeted me every day after work and wanted to play. His personality was endless. About a week and a half ago, things deteriorated rapidly. His bowels and bladder went. He couldn’t keep anything down. He was shaking and hiding from me behind our chair. I knew it was his time. We went to the vet and she confirmed my worst fear. Bentley was shutting down. Because I didn’t want him to suffer, I had him put to sleep. My best friend died peacefully on my lap and a piece of me died too.

I had him cremated and have him in a beautiful urn. I made a memory box with all his favorite toys, a clay paw print and a lock of his beautiful hair. His collar hangs on my rear view mirror because of how much he loved to ride with me. I collected my favorite pictures of him and made a collage of his life through the years.

My heart is broken. I feel guilty for putting him down and torture myself with all the what if’s, although I know I did what was best for him. After all, it wasn’t about me, it was about him. I’m happy I was able to give him a peaceful end. The worst part for me is not being able to say Goodbye. I didn’t want him to get upset so I kept myself together the best I could until his last breathe. I just held him and told him to go to sleep so he could feel better. But I didn’t say Goodbye until he was gone. I don’t know why this is so upsetting to me, but it is.

Anyway, thanks for listening. I pray for each and everyone of you that has also lost your best friend. I hope we will someday all get to greet them again at the Rainbow Bridge!

C.mackey
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Memories_of_Marmalade
Dear Christi,

Welcome to the forum, even under such sad circumstances. I am sorry and very saddened to learn of your loss of your beloved Bentley, but I am glad for him (and you) that your paths crossed with his when they did, and that for a decade you two had many moments filled with love, affection, adoration and comfort. 

So many of us here go through the "2nd guessing" and the "what if's?". It is evidently just part of what we must go through. They say:

"When you choose to end the pain & suffering of a beloved pet, you then agree to take on their pain & suffering onto yourself. You absorb it through your grief. It is the bargain you make."

So this is what you are many of us here are having to endure. The pain & suffering that our pets would have felt if we had not shown them mercy. It is like transferred negative energy. We absorb it and must process it. Which takes time as we all know.

I too had to recently put to sleep my beloved boy. A cat named "Marmalade." He was my best friend, my son, my brother, my amigo, my compadre, my Samurai Cat! A fighter and a lover. My heart is shattered into a million pieces and I am endeavoring to put all of the pieces back together piece by piece.

Thank you for sharing some of Bentley and your story. And for the lovely photo that you shared. You can clearly see how much Bentley loved and adored you in it and how happy he made you!

There are so many good-hearted, kind, warm, loving, smart, witty and loving people who post here on this forum. Far longer that I have been here. But I have found it very comforting to visit and learn from them. I hope you will visit again here soon.

I send you my most sincere & warmest condolences,
James
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Christi88
Thank you very much! I truly appreciate it. I never thought about the negative energy absorption theory but I think it makes sense. We suffer so they don’t have to, which I’m more than happy to do for him. I’m just letting it come in like waves. I break down and then settle down over and over again.
My worst time is when I come home from work and he isn’t here to greet me. He always did this little happy dance, tapping his feet and giving me hugs and kisses. And I was always just as happy to see him!
C.mackey
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Jcunnane
Dear Christi,

I’m so sorry for the loss of your sweet Bentley. The picture of the two of you is just adorable. You can see how much he loves you and vice versa. And what a strong pup he is to have fought and fought his disease. He didn’t want to give up! Your love for Bentley is so prevelant that you didn’t want him to suffer. You didn’t want him in pain even if you knew you were going to be hurting.

As James said, we welcome you with open arms even if the circumstances are sad. Today is four weeks since we had to say goodbye to our sweet ginger tabby boy Bubby. You might see me reference him as Milo, that was his given name, but I always felt like if I said Milo to him he was in trouble. You know how parents use your given name whenever you did something wrong. Bubby would have been 10 at the end of this month. He didn’t even get the chance to see that. His kidneys were always not in the greatest condition and sadly he lost the battle to renal failure. But like so many of us here, we had to help him cross to the Rainbow Bridge. He didn’t want to give up the fight either.

Please know there are truly wonderful people here that know how you feel and what you’re going through. We take their pain and suffering away and put that on ourselves. I wish he was still here but I’m so glad he didn’t have to suffer. He was so many things to me but he showed me what true unconditional love really is. He trusted me with all of his heart just like how Bentley trusted you.

I strongly believe that just because they’re not here physically anymore doesn’t meant they’re still not with us. I know they are. The bond and love is too strong for that and they will be with us for eternity. And one day, when we’re ready, we will be reunited again and it will be the most beautiful day ever. And we’ll neber let them go again.

I hope you find comfort here as I have. I honestly don’t know where I would be without these wonderful people who I call my new friends. They listen to my rambles, my daily letters to Bubby and help me smile and laugh through this difficult time. We’re hear to listen, to talk, to lend a virtual shoulder to cry on. So please know, you’re not alone!

Sending you hugs,
Jackie

Bubby's (Milo) Mommy - Always & Forever My Little Man 💜

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Ceceliadempsey3
Oh Christi, I’m so so sorry! What a beautiful soul Bentley is. I never had my dog as a puppy , thatcher was three when we got him. My heart is broken , but I imagine having a dog as a puppy has to be even worse .
What a special bond you two had. You will always have those memories to hold in your heart . I imagine the pain in our hearts will ease in time. Maybe it is a tad bit better for me, thatcher’ passed on May 29 of this year
But I still cry daily.
Sending you good vibes to ease your broken heart.
Cecelia Thatcher’s Mom..
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Ceceliadempsey3
Memories_of_Marmalade wrote:
Dear Christi,

Welcome to the forum, even under such sad circumstances. I am sorry and very saddened to learn of your loss of your beloved Bentley, but I am glad for him (and you) that your paths crossed with his when they did, and that for a decade you two had many moments filled with love, affection, adoration and comfort. 

So many of us here go through the "2nd guessing" and the "what if's?". It is evidently just part of what we must go through. They say:

"When you choose to end the pain & suffering of a beloved pet, you then agree to take on their pain & suffering onto yourself. You absorb it through your grief. It is the bargain you make."

So this is what you are many of us here are having to endure. The pain & suffering that our pets would have felt if we had not shown them mercy. It is like transferred negative energy. We absorb it and must process it. Which takes time as we all know.

I too had to recently put to sleep my beloved boy. A cat named "Marmalade." He was my best friend, my son, my brother, my amigo, my compadre, my Samurai Cat! A fighter and a lover. My heart is shattered into a million pieces and I am endeavoring to put all of the pieces back together piece by piece.

Thank you for sharing some of Bentley and your story. And for the lovely photo that you shared. You can clearly see how much Bentley loved and adored you in it and how happy he made you!

There are so many good-hearted, kind, warm, loving, smart, witty and loving people who post here on this forum. Far longer that I have been here. But I have found it very comforting to visit and learn from them. I hope you will visit again here soon.

I send you my most sincere & warmest condolences,
James
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Ceceliadempsey3
James
You always write such beautiful, comforting words to everyone on this site.
Cecelia. Thatcher’s mom
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Memories_of_Marmalade

Dear Cecelia,

Thank you so, so much for your very kind words. They mean a lot to me. I thank God for this forum and for all of the people here, including you! I always look forward to reading your posts. They are always warm, insightful & compassionate. 

XOXO,
James
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