Tomorrow would have been Bella's 4th birthday. I keep thinking about what I would have bought her for presents, and of course along with presents would be been some of her favorite treats. Next week will be 4 weeks that I lost her and I still miss her every day.
I knew her life was not going to be long term but she was gone too soon. I still regret, every moment of every day, not being home with her on her last day. I should have called in sick. I should have been home with her. I so regret being so busy and not spending every moment with her during the last couple months of her life. Her vet told me not to give up, that she still had lots of life left. Six weeks later she was gone. I wish I had known that the end was near.
The lamp that was burnt out for a while miraculously starting working a week after she died, and on some days the light shined so bright. Yesterday, I noticed it went back out. I used to think that maybe it was Bella visiting and now I am wondering if she has left. I did find a couple pieces of kibble she left for me in the bedroom a month or two after she died, when there was never been kibble in that room. I haven't seen any signs lately.
Every time I work outside, I still look towards the windows and wish she was there watching me. She loved to sit at the windows, sitting by the screen, watching me or just enjoying the fresh air.
Bella loved to sit on the deck with me. She loved watching the birds and squirrels. Now I go out to feed them, I can't stay there because it's just too sad.
My sweet girl, I hope you know how much you are loved and missed. I loved being your mom, having you greet me when I got home at the end of the day or when I came home during lunch, sometimes running right by me towards the slider so you could sit on the deck. I miss our mommy/Bella time and how you loved being cradled. I miss your purrs and your kisses. I miss by baby girl.
I will light a candle and think of you, and I hope you feel the love I will be sending you. I love and miss you to the moon and back, 10 million times. You will always be my heart.
Happy birthday, my sweet baby girl. I miss you every second of every moment of every day. I wish we had more time together.