I need somebody to tell me I'm not a monster. Please. I put my 16-yr.-old cat to sleep on Dec. 23 and at times I'm really feeling like a monster. That's because I did it more for me than for her, sort of, but not really.

Thing is, she (Becky) and I never got along well. I had another cat when she came along. We got her to keep the other one company. Well, they always hated each other. The other one was my baby. And I was allergic to Becky, in a BIG way. But my husband liked her OK, so we kept her and I just ignored her. I had my good cat.  And he had her. Then my husband left me and the cats. And I continued to love the one and ignore the other, although I took good care of them both. Until I got a job and a friend who both kept me away from home more than I should have been to have 2 cats. Even then, when I wasn't home, I had a neighbor who came in twice a day to feed them and take care of them and love them.

The "good" cat died a few years ago, so Becky was now alone most of the time.  She grew skittish, even more than she used to be, and hid under the couch a lot, until she felt it was "safe." As she got older, she stopped taking care of herself so much. And I just couldn't do it. My home became filthy, unhealthy, nearly uninhabitable because I couldn't keep up with it. I tried what I could to find her a new home, but who wants a cat her age (13+). No one near where I live. So she lived in my home, alone, with only a caretaker and a part-time mom.

Recently, I've been home most of the time again, although still not all the time. Becky developed hyperthyroidism about a year ago and has been on meds since. But she continued to lose weight -- a lot of weight. And kidney problems had started kicking in. On Dec. 23 she was 7 lbs. of her normal 12 lbs. I had to fight with her every time I gave her meds, then she would hide for the rest of the day. I tried all different methods of giving meds. It became a game of how long would she hide before she got hungry and came out. Then I'd give her meds again and it would start over.

I was torturing her and myself, and I couldn't do it anymore. The vet said she was on a steep and slippery slope at this point, and probably wouldn't last too much longer. I couldn't stand the thought of coming home to find her dead (that happened with the other one), so I let the vet put her to sleep. She was scared silly when I left her there. Poor thing. I couldn't stay. She broke my heart for years.  Because she really did have a piece of it.

But the neighbors at least took care of her. She went outside on nice days, they fed her, cleaned her box, played with her and petted her. That seemed the best I could do. I wish it could have been more. I hope she rests in peace in God's arms.

And she did take a piece of my heart home with her.

Thanks for reading this through, if you did.

Becky's Mom


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The fact that you searched out this site says alot about how much Becky meant to you. You are not a monster. Guilt is always a natural part of the grieving process. Every single one of us always asks ourselves if we did enough. You may not have always gotten along with Becky but you never gave up on her either and that counts for alot. Not everyone can stay with their pet when the time comes to cross over. It is an individual decision. Don't beat yourself up over that. Some just find it too hard and that's ok. What matters most is what you did for her while she was here. I feel for you as it is clear that you are struggling with alot of feelings and memories. Just remember that our animals always have the ability to see to our true hearts and Becky knows that you loved her.
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