Heartbreak
Yesterday my heart broke and I feel it will never repair.
We lost our brave Sadie to cancer of the soft muscle around the colon. The top half worked well and the tail wagged but by her last days she was unable to go to the toilet.

We got Sadie in 2005 at 10 weeks old, she is a Spaniel cross Lab and was a crazy menace of a puppy. She would terrorise the neighbours and the postman. She loved her big brother Alfie and had a very close bond with her cat Mika.

Sadie always had a struggling when going to the toilet, we feed her a high fiber diet which worked well. While out for a walk she stared to really struggle, vet thought it was an abcess and gave us antibiotics. A few days later everything was good then the bleeding started. Back to the vets last Monday and Sadie was booked in for a lancing of the abcess the next day. When we arrived the vet examined her and broke my world. He said he thinks it was a tumor. 5 hours of waiting for the phone to ring to found out what was going on while she was being operated on was total agany.
A sample was sent away for testing and within the 3 days waiting she very slowly went down hill. We received the call on Friday to confirm the cancer and wanted to try anything to make her better. The day was awful, Sadie continued to go downhill and it broke my heart, she would try and move her bowls but would run in the house and tremble. I couldn't let my little girl go through this stress. But I couldn't make that phone call to arrange anything. The vet called to see how she was and reassured us we need to do it as she was a very sick girl.

They came to the house and my baby went very peacefully with mummy and daddy cuddles.

I feel so mixed up, one minute I say yes I done the right thing and next I'm riddled with guilt. I miss my girl so much and always hated being apart from my fur babies. I'm trying hard to be strong for Alfie my 12 year old lab x as he is clearly missing Sadie as well, they were together for over 10 years. I knew she didn't want to go and would never want to leave me.

Sadies seat on the couch is empty and I keep thinking if I turn away and just imagine her there looking at me with her beautiful face and her wagging tail that I will wake up from this nightmare and she will be there.

I'm very concerned about Alfie, he has been getting extra walks, biscuits and cuddles but I never want my boy to feel lonely. Sadie was the alpha female and Alfie plodded along. He is slightly deaf and she was his ears.

Sorry this is a long post but Im hoping by writing it down it will help...please excuse any grammar errors as I've not slept or eat in days.

Ali

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Beaglemomma
Oh  honey here you can talk as long as you like.  You are among friends who understand exactly what you are going through and it truly is awful.  I am so sorry both you and Sadie had to go through this terrible time.  When you are up to it you can post pictures or whatever makes you feel better.

It was 6 weeks after my Molly crossed over the Bridge before I could even see well enough to type anything here.  So you see we DO understand and I know Molly was there to meet Sadie when she arrived.  I am happy you got to say goodbye to your baby in her own home.  That is exactly what I had wanted for Molly but it didn't happen that way.  Your arms and heart will feel empty for a long time.  Everyone here understands and feels for you.

We are all holding you close to our hearts and wishing you peace.  Write all you want to about your baby. We all love to hear to funny stories that each of our little ones did.  Molly was a terror as a puppy too, but oh my she turned into my heart and soul.  Take care sweetie.
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janice
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LUCYLULU
Ali~  I am so very sorry about Sadie. The heartbreak is real because of the deep. true love you shared with your girl. Even though you wanted her to be with you forever, you gave her the unconditional love that she gave to you guys for so many years. Unselfishly,  you took her pain even though it meant Sadie would not be with you or Alfie anymore. Sadie knows. Because you loved her so very much, you could not let her suffer any longer. While Sadie is not physically with you, she was & will always be a part of you. The love & bond you shared does not end. It's too strong. Keep talking to her. I hope you get signs or have dreams or moments-- where you can feel Sadie with you. 

For now...please try & just get through each day...moment to moment. The profound sadness,  guilt or replay, empty house & hollow heart are all feelings we understand here because we are all grieving too. I had to make the decision with Lucy my 14.3 y/o Wheaten in Nov. 2015. It's a gut wrenching decision. You may know rationally that the end is near-- even when you're sleep deprived, physically & emotionally exhausted. But your heart overrides your mind. And you just wish it was all a bad dream. Be kind to yourself. You loved Sadie & did everything that you could do for her.  It may not feel like it right now. But it was a caring, giving time-- that you were able to be there with Sadie, surrounding her with love, as she crossed over the Rainbow Bridge. I am sorry for Alfie too. Keep him extra close. And come here often. Everyone here truly understands how unbearable it is. Big hugs, Kasey
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Heartbreak
Thank you so much for your replies, so grateful for someone to read my story and hear about Sadie.

Sadie was crazy, she was the streets guard dog and even stopped a car getting broken into with her barking. I landed off in court as a witness thanks to madam :)

It all just so raw and the emotions hit you in waves, if I keep my mind occupied it's bearable, just!!

Alfie has had a pamper day and had a lovely sunny walk and a bath and blow dry. I feel I might have taken them both for granted and now Sadie has gone we plan on doing everything they both loved to do. Car trips to see more of Scotland and all our lovely beaches and have lots of happy fun times.

Again thank you, means so much that someone can feel my pain

Sleep well to all our parted babies xxx

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Beaglemomma

All of us here want to bring you comfort.  It always shocks me to find out that we are talking to people all over the world.  Amazing and we are ALL in the same boat.

I am thankful you have Alfie to still love and care for.  My arms are empty, but it isn't time, not sure it ever will be for me to bring another pet into my life.

Someone here said that the grief "comes sometimes in gentle waves and sometimes hits like a tsunami" and those words are so true.  The people on this site are the most wonderful in the entire world and I only wish we could all be together for a HUGE hug. 

Sending one to you right now.

 

 

janice
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winstonsmom12
Don't ever feel guilty about your decision.  All of us here went through the guilt and questions.  Your Sadie was a sick little girl.   You did all you could as far as taking her to the vet, arranging procedures for her and the endless waiting!   Sadie sounds like she loved her life and was very playful, and a wonderful sister to Alfie.

You are so fortunate to have had Sadie pass at home amongst her loving parents.  And  her brother Alfie.  None of us here on this forum, could bear to see our babies suffer.  That is the reason we made our decisions.  Sadie is up there smiling down at you very happy and pain free and playing once again.    Peace and Prayers    Sue
Susan
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jimmy17
Hi Ali, I am so very sorry for your loss, its heartbreaking when we lose our beautiful animals. The guilt we feel is part and parcel of the grief process - we seem to question ourselves over and over as to if we did the right thing in helping our babies to cross the Bridge, even though deep down we know we really had no choice.  19 weeks ago today, we had to help our little 17 year old dog Jim cross the Bridge, and although that was undoubtably the worse day of my life we knew we could not let him struggle any more - he had hardly any quality of life left, was so weary and tired.  Someone told me that its the last gift of love we can give to our precious babies, and it really is.  We make the decision out of love for them. 
 I am so glad Alfie has had a lovely day, he must be missing his friend also. 
  As Kasey said, come to this site often - I really believe that coming here saved my sanity after losing Jim.
                                             Take care, sending you BIG Hugs, Jackie
 
J Taylor
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Beaglemomma
I agree with Jackie.  I don't think I would have made it without this forum.  Molly was my last life line and while I am heartbroken with all of you who have had such horrific illness to deal with for your babies, Molly was running around like normal that morning, we took a walk, she had lunch--------then that awful Vet visit and she was GONE.  Not like I didn't know it was coming she was 14, but still.

I guess I have to say FAST is always better, but I still had to make that final decision.  Molly had a stroke and while that Vet suggested all kind of heroic things like driving her 3 hours to get an MRI that would have done nothing except make her even more frantic, it was still hard to do THE RIGHT THING.

Grieve Ali, but NEVER doubt you did the right thing.  We are all here for you for as long as you need us.


janice
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Sadiesmom061308
I am so sorry for your loss. I had to put my Sadie down on feb. 18th due to kidney failure. She was a wheaten terrier. As your Sadie was, my Sadie was my love. I had her for 7 and a half years. It is so hard to live without them. I try and take comfort in that they are no longer in pain, no more disease. This site has been a lifesaver. There is always comfort here. I too am amazed that we are talking all over the world to people. I am in the USA . Massachusetts- east coast.
Wishing you peace and healing
Tammy
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Heartbreak
Thank you for all your kind words

Had to go back to work today and try and get a bit of normality into my life. Can't say its easy but it does help the mind.

I couldn't decide if Alfie was looking at me, when I was heading out the door, is mum away to get Sadie or mum please don't go. My brother is there doggy sitting and he is currently asleep on our bed with his pussy cats.

I think when the time is right we need to get Alfie a new wee buddy. I worry that he is lonely and he has so much love for everyone and everything

Again thank you for replying and its heartwarming to know we are all not alone in this nightmare

Ali xx
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Heartbreak
I came home from work and Sadie was not there. Alfie is a bit hard of hearing so didn't hear me come home. Feeding time is now quiet with no bouncy around, Alfie takes his time eating as there is no longer a need to rush as there is no one there to push him out the way and finish off his dinner.

Bed time is the worst, I hate sleep. I hate waking up and for that split second everything is normal and then I remembered and it all starts again.

I feel that I will never be me again. Did Sadie make me who I was?

My arms ack to cuddle her again and get licked to death with her slobery kisses.

I miss the socks lying around after she use to pinch them.
I miss tripping over balls and having no space on the bed while Sadie stretched out.

I miss my girl
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Eddiesmom
I am so sorry.  I totally understand what you are going through.  I lost my Eddie MArch 9th unexpectedely after taking him to the vet and discovering a large mass on his spleen, we had surgery the next day but he died 4 hours after surgery...guilt about the whole thing.  Three weeks later I had to have my rottweiller Henry but down....more guilt....so you see it seems no matter which way they go there is guilt but you did the best you could for her.  

Also, my Chewy like your Alfie (my third dog) was also HEARTBROKEN for a month, he wouldn't eat nor enjoy his walks...he just laid on Eddie's bed and stared at the wall so it is hard enough with your own grief but to see them mourning is heartbreaking too.

It's all so hard.  Feeding time, your right is not the same without the rambuctious dog who just loves what your fixing them.  Bedtime without my Eddie watching over me, making me feel safe.  We all have to get used to our new normal and it's not easy.

I just got another dog yesterday for Chewy and Chewy does seem happier as far as he ate for the first time since Eddie died but he's not Eddie.  He is a sweet dog, I don't expect him to be Eddie as no dog can but instead of being happy with this new dog I am missing Eddie all the more.  There just is no real map on how to handle this we just take one day at a time.

Hugs for you and Alfie.
Sue E
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