judylinn
I just can't believe that it's been half a year since Maddie has passed. the pain doesn't feel like half a year. It still hurts alot, but, it comes in smaller amounts now. I can cope with all that my life brings, but still grieve deep in my heart at missing her.
I have a few tears almost every day, but it only lasts for a short while.
At times, I'm anxious, that I will not feel that strong tug of my heart when I think of her, but that's not been the case. I always want to feel that tug in my heart for her. I have beautiful pictures up of her everywhere. Sometimes they make me smile, and sometimes they make me cry, but it's all part of loving her so so much.
This beautiful girl, taught me how to love, despite all the anguish of my childhood... and how to trust. She brought me so many gifts for healing.
When things happen that aren't to our liking, we can choose how to handle them, to push the feelings away, or to let them come, and deal with the pain they cause.
Dealing with it, is a gift, an opportunity to grow as a person. So all the difficult things with Miss Maddie, I used as gifts, to change and grow into a more loving person. That has been one of the biggest gifts Maddie brought to me.
The love we shared was so profound, that it changes me as a person, and I am eternally grateful to her for that. I truly believe that she was sent to help me. We always think in terms of us taking care of our pets, but Maddie truly took care of me as well.
I always feel that she is the connection to my heart. It's been 6 months, and the love has not decreased at all..it is strong and vibrant.I think of her and send her love many times during the day. She was my only family, and she still is my family, she's just passed.
I was so afraid to love, that I actually bought a children's book about a dogs passing.....way before i ever got her....and the main gist was that the little boy, though very sad, felt really good about telling his dog everyday, that he was loved. I told Maddie over and over about how much I loved her, and I still do...with all my heart.
I saw Maddie, as this glorious beautiful energy, that just radiated sunshine and love. I was actually shocked after her passing, when I looked at her pictures, and saw an older dog. To me she was just absolutely beautiful, in looks and spirit.
I miss her so much sometimes, that my heart just aches. And when new people come here, with such deep pain, I so understand how deep that pain is. It's taken me a long time to heal from her passing, and I'm not all the way there yet, but I can live life now...and when I come home, she's not here, but her spirit that lived here feels here, and my first words when I come in the door is Hi, and my first words in the morning is...good morning Maddie.
I so appreciate all the people that have supported me through this time. I've been here everyday since.
For those that are so mired in the pain right now, it will get better, even if you think it never will. I didn't think I could ever get over this loss and survive..the pain was so bad. But people were right, it does get better.
Thank you to all who have been patient with me, and have been here for me. words can never say how much I have appreciated your care and concern.

To my beautiful Maddie girl, just thinking of you right now, brings tears to my heart. Tears of loss yes, but tears of deep love that I still feel is there. thankyou for the little signs that you bring me. Seeing a perfect heart on the stove in melted sunshine butter, I know was a sign from you. Thank you for the way that you have helped heal my heart and soul. Thankyou when you left me, that you brought a beautiful yellow lab Jake for me to be with a few times a week, that I can take on walks and love. I may only be his auntie, but it is so right for where I am right now.
I believe that you are still watching over me, and that your prescence is still all around me. I love you with every ounce of my being. I miss you the same way. I trust that we will be together again someday, and it will be glorious.
Thankyou for all the fun memories that we made. When I feel especially sad, and I look at the hundreds of pictures of your life, they make me laugh with the fun we used to have.
You may be gone for 6 months now, but you are still my family, now and forever. I love you baby girl. I send you my love, and recieve your love right back into my heart.......your momma.
Quote 0 0
ajcool01
How lucky Maddie was to have you for an owner. I think it is very admirable that you take the time every day to visit this site and offer your words of comfort to others. What a dog Maddie must have been to motivate such commitment and purpose in her owner.
From your pictures, it looks like Maddie lived a dog's life. Ironically, not too many dogs get that opportunity. It's about as much as they can hope for to have a fun time and eat some good food while they are here ... Maddie just hit the lottery with an owner who gave her a little something extra - love.
Quote 0 0
judylinn
thank you so much for that. It was actually me who hit the lottery. I prayed and prayed for a healthy dog, and what was brought to me was a girl that had many many health issues over the years. but...she was the perfect dog for me.

I'm re posting my last letter at 2 1/2 months that tells a little more about her, for those that don't know us.
 It's been 2 1/2 months since I had to release my beloved Maddie from the pain of cancer. It's hard to believe that it has been this long. I honestly did not know how I would make it through this loss.
For those that don't know me. Maddie was 10 1/2 when she passed. She was my only family, really my only family. She had problems right since I got her at 2 months old, but it was on and off. when she was about 5 she developed auto immune disease, and it was many things after since then, Not sick all the time, but alot . This bout of cancer that took hold of her, was the 2nd time around, and there was nothing I could do for her.
Through it all Maddie just had a huge presence of sunshine, love, and joy. I am a piano teacher, and her greatest love was to go "teaching"....that was her buzz word, and in went a stuffy in her mouth, and she greeted all with the same love and joy she gave me.
Maddie opened my heart, and I allowed myself to be loved, and to love back. It was the most agonizing thing I have ever done, to release her from the pain she was in. I prayed and prayed for the courage to do what I had to do.
When I was unsure, I went to her and had a talk with her, and told her if she needed help to go, she needed to let me know, as I was sure that she was staying here for me. that very night she went down hill very fast. So the descion was clear. then a few days later, she got up 2 mornings before the date, and she was like a puppy. I loved it, but again I was sooo confused.

I talked to her again, to please let me know, and then she really went down hill, so it was very clear.

The pain of her loss, is the deepest agony I have ever experienced, and that was including alot of trauma from my early life. The only way I made it through this was the kind and wonderful people here at this site.
Maddie died Aug 4th, and I have been here ever since.
At this point, I have grieved so much, and also healed so much. I can get through the days now, but every day, especially in the morning, and evening, the pain is like stab wounds in my heart. It just plain hurts. So all you others who have lost, I know what you are feeling, and the degree of the pain in your hearts as well.
I  contacted an animal communicator, who had help find where Maddie's pain was  a few years back, and she pin pointed it exactly. I needed some thing about Maddie, to just help me cope. one of the things she said, was that Maddie was going to send me a dog to help me heal. Not to question it...sure enough a few weeks later. I was in the forest paths crying, and a beautiful yellow lab comes running up to me. I talk to the man and told him about Maddie, and I leave, He comes back up to me, and says they are going away, and all the arrangements for the dog are set, but he thought I needed to walk his dog. How awesome was that, a stranger. I was unsure at first, but I did, and so I walked this wonderful dog Jake for a month.
Actually, he came home here and played with Maddie's stuffies alot :)
Jake has helped in the healing, but the most wonderful thing was, I could be with this dog, let him in my house, and nothing was taken away from Maddie. I was afraid I would lose my connection to her, by letting another dog in. just the opposite happened. I grew attached to Jake, and my love for Maddie was as strong as ever.
I do see a counselor, as I couldnt handle the depth of the grief by myself.
One of the best things that helped me, was she pointed out that I was constantly yearning for Maddie, and that just made the hole in my heart bigger, as there was no way that she could come back. She taught me to go inside to my heart, to find that connection with maddie, thats where the love is.  when I have some bad bad days, which I still do, I find that I am back to the yearning again.
Maddie was my heart, my baby, my love, and when I respond to each person that has lost your precious baby, I do it with a heart full of love for each of you that is suffering the agony of that loss.
I have been through the guilt, as I think it was some things that I unintentionally did, that might have made her sick. I had the guilt of all the times I was annoyed with her, many things, but though I was not a perfect mom, I did the best I could, and the bottom line is, that Maddie knew she was loved.
So when many of you have regrets, I think we all do on some level,  what  the most important thing is, is that your furbaby, knew that they were loved. If so....job well done!!

Coming here is such a blessing, as unless someone has had that deep connection to an animal, they don't understand the depth of our loss. People do here, and many many nights I just came here and sobbed as I posted myself, or went to the live chat for real time support..
When people here told me it would get better, I simply didn't believe them, as I thought I could never not hurt from this, but they were right, the healing is taking place. for everyone its a different timing, so maybe I am a bit slow with the healing, but thats okay, because i can definitely see it happening. And it will happen to all of you too.

Having planted a tree for Maddie, is so nice, as every time I look at it, I am filled with the warmth and love for her, and her for me.
Every night, I pray for the people here who are suffering. I am deeply sorry for all your losses. Bless you all, and keep coming whenever you need someone to cry with.
Thank you so so much, to all who have been here for me.

Maddie darling, my heart is full of love for you, I miss you deep within my soul. You were my family, and you always will be my family. I still cry for you everyday, but I know now, that I can be okay. Kisses of love to you my sweety.................



Quote 0 0
donnalee
Wow, your post should really give hope to those who are new to the site, coming with fresh pain, wondering how they will make it.   I can't believe it has been 6 months either.  I very vividly remember when you first came to the site.   When I learned what you and others who come to this site had been through in your lives, I was just shocked.   I've learned a lot from all of you.  I believe as you do, that these beautiful creatures God gave to us to share our lives can be very instrumental in our healing.  I didn't go through anguish in my childhood but Scottie opened my heart and taught me so many important lessons about life and love.  
I can't believe I'm at 10 months either.  As you so beautifully expressed, we have all made it with the help, love, encouragement, and support we have received here.  My prayer is that new people will read your story and be reassured that there is hope.  You have made amazing progress on your road to healing. Thank you for sharing.  
Quote 0 0
Meghanm
Hi Judy. I understand what you said about always wanting to feel that tug in your heart for her. You have put into words my feelings about everyone (human and animal) I have ever lost. I do believe you and Maddie will always have that connection. It is so nice that you planted a tree in her memory. Gestures like that are so important and special. So many people are afraid to ask for help when they are so in need of it; it is great that you are seeing a counselor. Many people try to handle the grief on their own and we could all use a little help. I spent several sessions talking to my counselor about my loss of Sammy and it helped.

Your words are so beautiful and moving, your style of writing is wonderful. You articulate your feelings in such an eloquent manner. I love the photos you posted of Maddie - in just three photos I can see her personality so clearly. She looks so incredibly happy! What a beautiful dog.

I also have to say how helpful and wonderful you have been to everyone here on this board. I am sure your kind words have helped ease many a heavy heart. That shows such an incredible strength of character to be able to help others while you are in pain yourself. I am sure it has probably also helped you heal. I also agree with Donna that your post demonstrates to all those who are suffering a fresh loss the hope that is possible to strive for.

Meghan

"If the people we love are stolen from us, the way to have them live on is to never stop loving them. Buildings burn, people die, but real love is forever." ~ The Crow

"We don't "get over" our losses and just move on, we learn to live differently."
~ http://www.angelbluemist.com/frames/guilt.html
Quote 0 0
judylinn
thank you for your wonderful word Meghan. and Donnalee.
Yes being here and trying to help others, is part of my journey of recovery. I felt so alone, and so hurt when Maddie dies, and I wouldn't want anyone else to feel that.
Maddie continues to be a light in my life, and her love spurs me to be a better person. I still feel that strongly, even though its been 6 months. Believe me, before her, I was a very closed person.
The one thing when I start to feel guilty about did I do the right thing for this or that with her....as she was sick alot....is when I look at the pictures, and I see such a happy dog. She must have felt all that love.
Quote 0 0
niki
thankyou for all you have posted about your dear Maddie
i know this will help others here.
I hope that you are ok, 6 months- yes i can relate to that.
i am coming up to one year without my little Mint- my black baby girl cat.
it was Valentines day last year----i am not sure how i will cope,
i still cry for her, but having her dear Twin Ocelot has been a life saver for me and my husband.
The 3 of us have suffered losing her....

isnt it strange about the dates we remember- imean i have remembered every 14th- every month.

i was just thinking back today how i felt this time last year,
the last week was the most painful week ever
she was a fighter right to the end.
She had cancer like your Maddie,
God Bless you and your posts make me feel better about this beautiful life we have with our pets----the greatest--but the sorrow when they go---
it is too painful to live with ----
take care
Niki x

Quote 0 0
judylinn
thank you niki. I know what you mean. on the 4th of every month I think of that day. She was also Born on Dec 4th. I think when we love as deeply with our babies, as we do, it is a very profound thing, and it doesn't go away, just because they had to pass. we will love them forever. It takes a long time to heal. I know it has been a slow process for me, partly because I was so damaged from my childhood, and could never risk loving...so when Miss Maddie opened my heart, she really opened it wide.
The main thing is that I have accepted the process, as well as the grief, and it takes how ever long it takes.
I've been trying in my community, to get some talk out there about forming a pet loss group. there is nothing like that here, and there are so many people that could use that personal touch of love from other people who are hurting so bad.
Quote 0 0
AliciaTX
Thank you for sharing those pictures of your beautiful Maddie, I can see how very much you loved her and I am certain that she could too!  I have to tell you that you simply amaze me.  I come to the boards and sometimes I just read and don't post and other times I'm not as withdrawn into myself and want to reach out to others.  But I always see you reaching out a hand of loving support for all of us who are experiencing our own losses and I thank you.  I think it is wonderful that your are looking into forming a local support group.  It would be a wonderful and safe place to go where people could respect and care for one another as they go through the process.  
Quote 0 0
laddy

Judylinn, Thank you for you post very beautiful. Your words have been a tremdous help to me. Maddie was lucky to have you for her mom. They leave a permenant imprint in our hearts. It's not the same without them I think about my 3 girls everyday. I have visited their residency's I too wish so much they were here. I recently adopted a stray cat. I made room in my heart to love another. I have many days I cry missing my 3 girls.

Quote 0 0
judylinn

thanks for the kind words Alicia and Laddy. I think I cry almost everyday for Maddie. though it doesn't overwhelm me all the time like it use to. Such innocence they all have. So sweet and so pure.

Quote 0 0
otto12
judylinn- you wrote such a beautiful post. I really started crying when I read it cause I know the pain so well and so many things that you wrote is exactly how I feel. Looking at the pictures of Maddie I can see the love in her eyes, I truly see that she was so loved and that she had a wonderful mom :)

She looks so well taken care of, what a beautiful dog! I know you are still in alot of pain as I am too but thats because we loved our furbabies so much. Like you Judy I am so thankful for this site coming here has really helped me alot. What you wrote about planting a tree is such a great idea! I think I will plant a tree for Jalle next to his grave in the summer.  Take care Judy and know that we are always here for you :)
Quote 0 0
SammysDad

Hi Judy...

I lost Sammy on 7/31/10.  I always knew our timelines were similar.  It was your stories of Maddie, and Sammy himself, that moved me to adopt Diana.  Diana is a true beauty.  She is now 8 months old today.  When I lost Sammy, I was totally lost.  My spiritual beliefs in being re-united with my boy are strong...but my physical being was not doing well.  Diana helped me through that and I seem to be physically on the good side again.  You have certainly had your trials and tribulations. 

I enjoy sharing Diana photos with you.  I truly hope that watching her grow up, and acquiring some of Maddie's traits, helps you as well.  You always respond to the photos....in such a wonderful way. 

I never intended to adopt again after Sammy.  I go into the living room every morning and kiss my hand and touch his box.   I never fail to say good morning to my little man.  I will do that until the day I re-join him.  I still believe that I will be blessed in the hereafter with Sammy, Aja and Diana...what a family that will make for my wife and me. 

It's hard to grasp that our loved ones are gone half a year!  Keep her close.  Just know that even when you adopt again (If you do), that the love for the her will never diminish in any way.  Mind you...I love Diana, like I never thought I could love again.  The love for her is NOT the love I had for Sam.  He is my boy...she is my girl...and oh, how she loves her mommy.  I just knew that a female would bond with my wife.  There is something very special....and I am so happy for that. 

I believe it with all my heart...you will see Maddie again...and when you do, nothing will ever interfere with that again.  You have so much love to give, that it is my hope that you will try and adopt at least ONE more time.  Do it for you...do it for the puppy that will receive so much love...and do it for Maddie, who will guide you along the way. 

You and others have been a great solice for me.  I found this place on the Sunday after Sammy passed...and did the Monday vigil.  I found the forums a few days later and have been in and out ever since.  I often times read posts and cannot find a way to compose myself enough to respond...but I am here and feel for all those who seek answers and peace, here. 

As you, I have received signs.  Some bigger than others.  I just encourage anyone who has read your posts...or mine...that the signs are truly there.  Maddie is there.  Sammy is there.  They appear in small ways.  Look for little, subtle hints.  Every now and then, as Sammy did at Christmas...he gave my wife a sign, while I was out of time, by walking under the Christmas tree and made the ornaments "tinkle".  My wife was elated.  She knew immediately, that it was Sammy.  He loved Christmas and the joy of opening presents on Christmas morning...so much so that he manifested himself to her!

As Lennon and McCartney wrote:  "The Love you take is equal to the Love you make".  The look on Maddie's face in many of of her photos is a true measure of that.  She shows the love that she received in return. 

If you ever find a way to give that love to another...what a blessing that will be!  You are a wonderful person with a GREAT heart!  May Maddie's warmth and love be with you, always!


Bob

Quote 0 0
judylinn
Bob, your letter just brought tears to my eyes. Thankful tears. that was such a beautiful letter. I really appreciate it. I'm always glad when people can see the love that Maddie has and gives. I think animals evolve in direct proportion, to the amount of love they get.
I know that also, my belief is that we will be together again one day, but sometimes, when I miss her so much I lose sight of it because it's such a long time away. I do believe they are all around us, and sometimes I can feel her, and sometimes I can't. I sure wish that I had taken a picture of that yellow heart in butter. It was so perfect, and large, and wonderful.
I remember at christmas when you told us about the christmas tree. I gave Maddie a nudge to give me a message like that lol...but what I've learned is, that they don't always send them in the way we want, or in the time frame we want. It always comes when you least expect it.
Remember, I always loooove to hear about diana, please come anytime to tell me about her lastest antics, and you can post a picture here as well. Judy :)
Quote 0 0
judylinn

Otto, thanks for the kind words. I would really recommend planting something. everytime I look at the tree, it fills me with the warmth of Maddie's love. Before winter came, I would often go sit under it and talk to her. I planted flowers too, but flowers don't stay long, I wanted something permanent. I can't wait til it's full of Cherry blossoms...it will bloom with all the love I have in my heart for my dear girl.

 

Quote 0 0