Every tear is a prayer.
I am new to the forum and found this as I am really struggling and there are no pet loss support groups where we live.
One month ago today I had to put my beloved Jack-a-poo, Brodie to sleep after 18 years of being inseparable. He had canine dementia which required massive management over the past year. While my days and nights were dedicated to him completely, I never begrudged it as it kept my baby with me for another whole year. His dementia started to really decline and he developed a heart murmur. Then one night he woke up at 2am, stood up, stumbled and fell into a violent seizure. Up until this point I had been able to keep him safe, comfortable and loved, but seizures were something that I simply could not allow him to endure. While it sickened me, I knew it was time.
The euthanasia procedure proved so traumatic for me...the last thing I remember was letting out this God awful anguished wail when the vet administered the drug. I then went into a complete black hole for about a week. I have no recollection of anything (my husband tells me that I was basically bedridden). Even the days that I finally managed to get out of bed are very sketchy and just filled with memories of constant unbearable crying, terrible aching pain and an emptiness that was so deep it cut like a knife.
I wish I could say the days are helping to dull the pain, but sadly not. Not having had children of my own, Brodie definitely inhabited that chamber of my heart that would have been occupied by a child. He saw me through so many dark, difficult times in my life and was really the light that kept me going. How can anyone possibly accept and recover form the loss of a pet who makes your heart burst with love happiness every single day for 18 years.
I don't think I am grieving normally (and I know that we are all different and there is no "normal" here) but I cannot bear to see a photo of my baby boy, nor see his little box of ashes or any of his belongings. My wonderful husband took care of hiding everything while I was in my "black hole"
Has anyone else been unable to face the memories and photos of their lost pets?
The pain is still so raw that seeing anything would just feel like taking a knife to an already gaping wound.
I and my world will never be the same again.