Evie123 Show full post »
Sallyhunt
Thanks for listening Evie. The quack wouldn't give me anti depressants. She said I was grieving not depressed! I am eating more now but the problem was I was cycling and running like a mad woman because it helped forget so the weight was falling off because I wasn't fuelling up my body. I've cut down on the fitness because I could see how Ill I looked but when I'm out on my bike I can just forget everything and it's such a great feeling. I think you're right about getting away. We rescued a little Westie in January who'd had a rotten life and at 12 years old he's living the life of Riley and I love him so much. I think Louie sent him to me because he could see we both needed help. I don't want that to sound mad but I had seen so many other dogs on the Dogs Trust website before and they were taken before I could see them and suddenly Paddy came up and I thought there's no way he'll still be available by the time I get to the Dogs Trust by the weekend. But the new owner returned him after a day so there he was, looking like a sorry old chap. He's delightful and although him and Dot are getting on they're not soulmates just yet but it's early days.

I have a long way to go to trust my other half. He's taken them off today to do some filming as extras. I'm worried sick!! I said goodbye to them like I was never going to see them again.

It's horrible isn't it. Hopefully Molly and Louie are up there thinking we're a pair of loons. I hope as each day goes by a little bit of our hearts mend but we both know it will never be complete again.

Thank you again for listening when you are hurting so much too. Sending a big old hug back xx
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Evie123
Sally, I'm so relieved to hear you're ok and just putting the rest of us to shame with your super fitness! When you described the cycling I felt like hopping on to my bike and taking off into the countryside. Having a 22 month old adopted boy to look after and working makes it hard to do but I'm a very outdoorsy person and will be getting out and about more exercising. I've not been my karate training since but need to force myself back into it, like you say it may help as an outlet. It will take you time to trust your boyfriend again so I hope he understands that and gives you as much support and understanding as you need. It's probably a good thing you've not been recommended medication, hopefully your quack knows you well and is insightful that it isn't the best thing for you. Mine knows I'm an over sensitive wreck who needs my serotonin boost and he's lovely and caring. I'm so happy you've become a mum to poor little Paddy, you're just the one he needs after his hard life, poor little thing. I know no one can replace Louie and you're not doing that, you're just sharing the huge amount of love you have to another fur baby who needs you. I hope he and Dot get along well and become good friends, I'm sure they will. I would love to get another dog but hubby is against it for a while so I have to respect that. Please stay in touch my friend and let me know how you are during this nightmare. Sending lots more hugs to a very special lady! Xxxxx
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ForCupcake
Hi Evie123. I lost my pup, Cupcake, yesterday. It was sudden and devastating, she was 10 years old. I feel so broken and lonely right now. Yesterday I drank an entire bottle of Jamison and about 6 beers. Started drinking as soon as I put her to sleep at the vet and got completely obliterated before noon. I am about to go to the spirit shop now. I hope I don't get as bad as I did yesterday but I may. Just wanted to say that I can totally relate to what you are experiencing and that I am sorry for your loss. I'd like to say cheers but I hope that isn't in poor taste considering the situation. Best wishes to you...one more thing: I am a former smoker myself. Been clean from cigarettes for a year now. 

-Sierre B. 
With Love,

Sierre B. 
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Evie123
Oh Sierre, I am so so sorry about your beloved Cupcake and know the monster grief you are suffering right now. Feel like your heart has been torn out and don't know what to do or where to go to try to escape the pain? That awful day we had to say goodbye I drank beer as soon as I got in, then wine and lots of shots and ended up seeing double and collapsing into bed sobbing my heart out! Alcohol does numb the pain but please be careful not to drink too much my friend. A whole bottle of Jameson's is a lot, how did u manage to finish it?! It's as if we don't care about ourselves any more and need to ease the grief in any way we can. It can too easily become a ritual but i know at this early stage of unbearable pain we are our own worst enemy. Well done on quitting the evil tobacco and not giving in to it. Be kind to yourself, I hope you have some support close to you. I have found this forum to be the best place for comfort as we can all speak freely about our feelings and everyone is so lovely and genuinely cares. I and all the others are here for you my friend so please talk to us and be careful not to overdo the drinking because we care about you. I will also try to take my own advice! Sending you huge hugs and love Sierre. Xxx
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ForCupcake
Thank you so much for understanding exactly how I feel and illustrating my pain so beautifully. This is the worst thing that I have ever been through. I feel so hurt. Miss her so much. I don't know how I managed to drink the entire bottle yet I really didn't start feeling drunk until I drank the beer. Afterward, I cried violently for hours. I do realize that that incident was dangerous and I could've really hurt myself. I guess I really didn't care. I am going to be more careful and mindful though. Thank you again for your kind words. I still haven't been able to eat anything, almost 2 full days now but I am going to force myself to at least drink a smoothie. Written through tears and intense pain, praying for peace,

-Sierre B. 
With Love,

Sierre B. 
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Baumert81
Hey SierreB. I was the exact same way in the beginning. However, Ive read that only after the intense sobbing grief ends will we start seeing our babies in our dreams and start receiving signs (if you truly believe which I do after several). I haven't drank for a few weeks now and the fog seem to be clearing. I can now go to Hogans grave and marker and say goodmorning and goodnight without breaking down for hours. The alcohol seemed to bring out the worse in me the first few weeks. It was all fine and dandy while I was doing it, then the next day im there drowning in my tears again. Only through meditation, yoga and daily walks with my other buddy rusty have I began to heal my broken heart.
Hogans Daddy
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Evie123
Baumer, that is so good to hear! I've been so upset Molly hasn't featured greatly in my dreams as I think about her all the time. So it does happen after a while? Thank you for sharing that there is some hope of rejoicing in happy memories rather than reliving the sad painful ones. Xxx
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winstonsmom12
I have been medicating myself during the day, and more heavily at night.  I have not had a dream with Winston in it yet persay.  I wonder if this is why.  When the medications start wearing off thats when I start to think and cry, so I medicate more. Its all I have right now. I am in a constant fog.  I know most all of you will understand this, I had to unload this.
Susan
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ForCupcake
winstonsmom12 wrote:
I have been medicating myself during the day, and more heavily at night.  I have not had a dream with Winston in it yet persay.  I wonder if this is why.  When the medications start wearing off thats when I start to think and cry, so I medicate more. Its all I have right now. I am in a constant fog.  I know most all of you will understand this, I had to unload this.


Susan,

I am in the same boat right now. You aren't alone. I have been medicating with lorazepan (a benzo) and Tramadol (an opiate) more heavily since Cupcake died. I have also been drinking. Very dangerous, I know, and I am not trying to overdose. I just do not want to feel anything. I completely get you right now. I am going to get my sh*t together when I can but I'm not giving up the weed...
With Love,

Sierre B. 
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ForCupcake
Baumert81 wrote:
Hey SierreB. I was the exact same way in the beginning. However, Ive read that only after the intense sobbing grief ends will we start seeing our babies in our dreams and start receiving signs (if you truly believe which I do after several). I haven't drank for a few weeks now and the fog seem to be clearing. I can now go to Hogans grave and marker and say goodmorning and goodnight without breaking down for hours. The alcohol seemed to bring out the worse in me the first few weeks. It was all fine and dandy while I was doing it, then the next day im there drowning in my tears again. Only through meditation, yoga and daily walks with my other buddy rusty have I began to heal my broken heart.


This brought me to tears!!! That makes so much sense because the alcohol makes me so much more emotional and right now I am having nightmares about Cupcake. They are awful. Sometimes she talks to me, other times she's running away from me. I am so happy you are feeling better and can celebrate your beautiful Hogan with less pain. I pray that I get to where you are!!!!! 
With Love,

Sierre B. 
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Evie123
At last, I've had a dream just about beautiful Molly! It didn't last very long but she was on the settee next to me and stretched out and laid her head on my lap! It was so lovely and comforting that I could feel a warm glow when I woke up. She used to do that and then I wouldn't be able to move until she wanted to! X
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