Menders_Mama
Yesterday, started out like any other day, me in bed and all the dogs with me, like a true pack; there is Mender, my chessie, Mai, my griffon, and Roscoe, my terrier. The alarm went off, I stayed in bed, enjoying the warmth our bodies created. I did eventually have to get up and we started our normal everyday routine. They ate, I showered, they pottied and then they kenneled. Oddly enough, I had a bad feeling, I even came back to the house to unplug everything in the bedroom where they kennel.

I went to work, the dog sitter came, she sent me lots of pictures of the booboos having a blast in the now. Then at about 12:30pm she called me frantic, Mender had fallen down and was breathing really hard and wouldn’t get up. I told her to see if he was hurting and to get him in the car to the vet. I left work immediately. I called my husband he didn’t answer, I drove like a maniac. I called her she said he wasn’t breathing, and needed to know what vet. I met up with her and jumped in the back of the car trying to give him mouth to mouth and cpr. Looking back, I think he was probably already gone. We pulled up to the vet and they rushed him in, less than a minute later they came to take me into a “special room” where I was told he didn’t make it. I asked to see him, they brought him to me, I tried everything to get him to come back to me, called his name, begged him, asked him not to leave me, to give me one chance to tell him how much I loved him. He didn’t move, his eyes glossy, his paws limp. I was so worried about him getting cold I kept rubbing him, touching his ears to my cheek, kissing his nose. I just needed one more chance. After quite some time had to admit that he was gone.

I didn’t want to leave him there, in a place he didn’t know and people who didn’t know him. They wouldn’t let me see where they took him. I had to trust that they would take care of him. Watching them take him away was hard, it was even harder waking out that door, alone, with his collar in my hand.

As I walked out I was terrified to go home, he wasn’t there, he wouldn’t be there ever again. When I got home, his empty kennel killed me, I lost complete control. I felt like my heart broke into a thousand pieces as I realized, never again would I hear his heavy footsteps, his loud sigh, his bark; he would never snuggle me, never lick my face or let me kiss his nose again. I had lost a piece of me, not like had misplaced it, but someone took it away from me.

Mender came into my life after the loss of my first furry friend. He mended me, helped the heartache lessen, gave me purpose. Now that Mender was gone, I wasn’t sure what would hold all my pieces together. I hid in my office, pretended like he was snoozing on the couch waiting for me to come feed them. I was paralyzed by the thought of him not being there when I walked out, I didn’t want to see his dish, not fill it with food, not take him to “his spot” and wait for his bark to let him out. I just sat there pretending that everything was fine. I couldn’t be home alone, I asked my husband to come home, he did but that didn’t make it any easier facing the fact that Mender wasn’t there. The house was quiet, too quiet.

As I tried to lay my head down, I sobbed, I cried hard. I couldn’t hear him breathing, didn’t feel his presence, and didn’t have him next to me. A restless night, not full of nightmares, but of ache. My head was pounding, I hadn’t eaten anything or drank anything since before the call. My chest hurt to breath, my eyes swollen and still managing to shed tears, my nose raw. I needed this pain to go away. It didn’t.

Morning came, he wasn’t there. He didn’t jump up on the bed to say good morning, he didn’t come over to sniff my morning breath, he didn’t come to check on me. He wasn’t there. My husband convinced me to get into the shower, as I stood there feeling weak and small. I got angry...

I am angry that he was taken from me, angry that I wasn’t there for him, angry that I didn’t think of the closer vet office, angry that the sitter didn’t drive faster, angry that he had been running outside, angry that the key was out back under the mat, angry that the other dogs were kenneled before leaving for the vet, angry that I couldn’t get there faster, angry that I could t save him, but most of all angry that I didn’t get to be with him when he was certainly afraid. I am angry.

I spent the day taking to friends, accepting advise, trying to take care of myself. But I can’t get past him not being here. I Have gathered all the photos all the videos and I have watched them endlessly. I hope he was content and had a good life, I hope he knows how much I loved him and what he meant to me after so many years. People keep saying he will be waiting for me when I take my last breath, I should have been waiting with him when he took his.

It is long so I appreciate the space to vent.
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tamamick
Menders_Mama,

I feel your pain. It is the same one I am going though right now. My Oreo passed in her kennel on black friday. 3 days after a simple knee surgery. Her stomach bloated enough to twist and she passed in a matter of minutes. I came home to find her, I thought she was sleeping until she didnt wake up when I called her and I went in her kennel to shake her.

We have 3 other dogs, but even with them they is an eerie silence in the house. I dont here my bulldog tearing though the house. I dont here her snorts and I miss the way she puts her nose in your eye and sniffs to say hi, good morning and love me.

I keep going over in my mind we should have never left that morning or I should have come home like we planned. We have a camera on her kennel so we watched her finally stop barking at the neighbors and lay down and started snoring. We figured she's finally relaxed let's just finish before going home instead of going back out later. I regret that because I felt I should have been at home. That I could have gotten her to the vet. I could have done something.

I want to say it gets better, but I myself am having a really hard time with this. I don't like being at home by myself either. I know I have to be there I have 3 others who need me to feed them and love them too. I find myself breaking down at the site of her favorite toy or when I find her little white hair everywhere. Last night it was because I found the bag of wet food I had bought for her friday morning. Monday it was becuase the place who cremated her gave me back her implants/brackets from her surgery on Tuesday.

Thier are people on here who have been so understanding and have tried to help with the guilt I feel. It's hard because I still feel it and it kills me, but I am starting to understand it thanks to them. I still feel overwhelming grief and I still feel like I am in a dark place. Talking does seem to help.

Sending hugs and understanding.
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Menders_Mama
Thank you and I am so sorry for your loss. It feels so heavy, we know our fur children the best, knowing that if we had been there would have seen something was off, we could have gotten them help sooner, we could have done something. I feel like I am in a deep dark hole that doesn’t have light. I too have two others to care for and I know they are coping and trying to help me cope, but he was the oldest and the leader, I think we all feel so lost without him. I just want to stay in bed and not face reality...I can pretend he is asleep on his bed and just hasn’t woken up yet....it hurts so deeply.
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tamamick
I know that dark place but my husband tells me one day at a time. If you feel like crying, cry. This is the best advice I have gotten. My grief has gotten so bad that my husband encouraged me to call his works EAP number (most places covers family members of the employee too). I did and this is what they told me, just cry.

I received this on this forum. It helped abit.
https://www.refugeingrief.com/2013/11/18/rules-at-impact-how-to-survive-early-grief/
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BorderCollieLover
Menders_Mama:

  I am so sorry to hear about Mender's recent passing. He was a very handsome Boy. I can relate to your pain. My dog passed (3) months ago but it seems like yesterday. I still have pain, anxiety, sadness, anger and guilt about her passing. My house seems so lonely now without her. I work at home, so she was my constant companion throughout the work day. It's just not the same now. Yes, crying and getting it out in the open is the best way to grieve. Also, coming to this forum is a good way to share with others who are experiencing the exact same thing. We all understand. 

Sending peaceful thoughts your way,

Jim
Jim Miller
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lmc1221
I'm so sorry for your loss. My baby died early in the morning on Black Friday, and I still cry every day. I'm going through her photos and putting her things aside so I can save them in a box to remember her. I found that writing down my memories of her helped, and they will also go into that box. It gets a little easier each day, but there's still the quiet in the house and the memories of her always being next to me that bring the tears.
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Menders_Mama
Thank you so much for the words of encouragement. I am not to the point of putting his things away, I want all of him to stay exactly where it is right now. I hope I can get to the point of at least seeing his things and not losing control. I feel like today was better than yesterday, only in I feel like I got to say how I was feeling out loud without offending anyone. I appreciate everyones support on here. I have to go to work today and I don’t know if I can control my emotions or fake it that long. I am terrified to come home and he won’t greet me at the door with his tail wagging and waiting for me to say hello to him and give him loves. Life seems hard.
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Shea143
What a lucky pup your Mender is to have love like this. My heart is shattered as I lost my fur puppy on Friday in a sudden and unexpected fashion. My first child, my world. I am full of blame, and guilt, and heart ache and I too don’t know how to take the pain away. It helps to think that maybe our fur babies can find their way to one another and play. I hope the hurt gets less and less and that we find a way to find solace in the memories. Please message me if you need to or want to talk. I found a website that takes photos of your pup and creates pillow replicas to snuggle. I’d be happy to ask him the name if you think it may be helpful.

Warmly,
Shea’s mom
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Kdp1981
I am so sorry. My heart breaks for you. We just lost our fur baby a few days ago to cancer. I totally understand the anger. It’s so overwhelming and the loss is so painful.
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Shea143
I am so so sorry to hear this. I hope your fur baby is at peace and I hope you find comfort in the memories.
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Menders_Mama
I am starting to find peace. I was able to talk to his vet and got a few answers which has helped me process a lot of the anger and feelings...

I still miss him terribly but I am trying to move forward with him. Telling his story here helped a great deal, now I journal to him everyday and I am posting a memory daily so that he continues with me. I won’t ever forget him and and he will always be with me.
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