Valentina
There aren't enough words to describe the profound sense of love and loss I feel for my dog, Cody. I lost him only a few days ago to a worsening heart condition that caused a tear in one of his ventricles. The moment it happened he collapsed into my arms; I caught him just in time but the whole experience was torturous because I simply couldn't do anything - I was utterly useless. My brother and I rushed around the GTA until finally he was admitted to an emergency vet clinic. The vets managed to stabilize him but none of the prognoses were what I wished to hear. The morning after I was faced with a horrible reality. I made the ultimate decision with him laying next to me at the clinic and both my mind and heart broke. I looked into his eyes, caressed his face, told him repeatedly how much I love him, and stayed with him until he took his last breath.

The guilt, I think, will never subside. Logically I know I made the right choice for him but emotionally I am a mess.

The pandemic has made everything so much worse. Wedding plans are falling through, my precious one is gone, and I can't even mourn properly.

I returned home with every single reminder of my precious love in every corner of my home, in every corner of my heart. The minutes pass like hours and I feel utterly alone and useless - like a piece of my soul has departed. It was all so final and I keep reimagining scenarios that would have never been possible because of the severity of his heart condition.

I will always wish I had more time. I would have torn open my own chest and given him my own heart if I could have. I just don't know where to go from here. 
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Pisiciul
Dear Valentina, I can feel your pain. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss and also about the struggle that is so familiar to many of us here. You did the right thing, honey. The blame will haunt you for a while but you know deep down your soul that you only wanted your boy to be healthy and happy. I've been through very similar moments with my baby 10 days ago. I can't believe time passed and I'm still standing. The sadness is unbearable but only time will heal part of the emotional wounds.Please stay strong and remember that your furry kid would not like to see you sad. 
Hugs.
Pisiciul
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Quincysmomma
I'm so very sorry for your loss, Valentina.  I feel all of the same things as you...everyone here understands the gravity of the guilt and grief.  It has been just over 2 weeks since we had to say goodbye to our dog, Quincy, after his health issues took a sudden turn as well.  He is everywhere in our home as well and its so quiet and empty without him. I'm not sure what else to say right now as I'm crying uncontrollably again, but please know that this is great place to come for support and understanding during a terrible time.
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Buddy_Mama
Yes, I echo everything that Pisiciul and Quincysmomma have said. Feeling all the same things you are. One good thing: we are all here to listen, to share, and to support each other, with absolute understanding of what this experience is like and how utterly life-changing it is. Sending you hugs...
Cindy (Buddy’s mama)
My baby Buddy 5/4/10-3/7/20, rescued March 2011
My sweet Mandy 11/27/91-11/2/10, rescued November 1992
My beautiful Barney 4/28/73-9/7/92, adopted May 1973
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Valentina
Pisiciul wrote:
Dear Valentina, I can feel your pain. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss and also about the struggle that is so familiar to many of us here. You did the right thing, honey. The blame will haunt you for a while but you know deep down your soul that you only wanted your boy to be healthy and happy. I've been through very similar moments with my baby 10 days ago. I can't believe time passed and I'm still standing. The sadness is unbearable but only time will heal part of the emotional wounds.Please stay strong and remember that your furry kid would not like to see you sad. 
Hugs.


Dear Pisiciul,

I am so sorry for your loss.

It comes in waves, to be honest - the loss, the pain, the grief, the anger, the self-doubt. It's so strange - the stillness in the house. I couldn't remember what my life was like before he entered it quite unexpectedly nine and a half years ago, and now I remember - it simply sucks.

Time.

Sending you warm hugs.

Kind regards,
Valentina
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Valentina
I'm so very sorry for your loss, Valentina.  I feel all of the same things as you...everyone here understands the gravity of the guilt and grief.  It has been just over 2 weeks since we had to say goodbye to our dog, Quincy, after his health issues took a sudden turn as well.  He is everywhere in our home as well and its so quiet and empty without him. I'm not sure what else to say right now as I'm crying uncontrollably again, but please know that this is great place to come for support and understanding during a terrible time.


I am so sorry for your loss.

I understand your pain and I am sending you warm hugs.

Thank you, I searched for books and places to share my grief out of desperation because the pain is unbelievable. I know not everyone understands or empathizes. I haven't shared the news with many people because I don't know if I could handle the kind of cold responses I think some may provide, albeit unwelcomely, right now. It is hard.

The self-doubt - i.e., "Did I make the right decision for him?" and "What if they were wrong?" - are torturous. I think the initial shock has worn off but, too be honest, I don't know if it will ever completely wear off. I have experienced disbelief or denial every moment of my day since.

One pervading thought that soothes the depths of my soul is this - with profound love comes profound loss. I loved him so much, still do, and will for the rest of my life.

We are so fortunate to have had them in our lives. Special creatures who have all of our virtues and none of our vices. We learn to love unconditionally from and with them.

Kind regards,
Valentina
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Valentina
Buddy_Mama wrote:
Yes, I echo everything that Pisiciul and Quincysmomma have said. Feeling all the same things you are. One good thing: we are all here to listen, to share, and to support each other, with absolute understanding of what this experience is like and how utterly life-changing it is. Sending you hugs...


Hello Cindy,

Thank you, I truly appreciate your kind words and support. 

It really is life-changing. I think I will feel lost for a while. There isn't a particular moment of the day that is especially difficult - they are all difficult. However, I have trouble sleeping - always imagining my sweet one jumping up next to me in bed, listening to his breathing, feeling his heart beat while I gently rest my hand on his chest. I know it will take time but the most difficult part right now is navigating this grief.

This pandemic is forcing me to confront my loss with social-distancing and such. I'm not sure if it is for better or for worse. All of I know if this sucks and much of what I loved to do as hobbies don't mean much right now because I did them with him at my side.

Sending you warm hugs.

Kind regards,
Valentina

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codysmum102
I feel your loss and pain. My dog, Cody passed 4 weeks ago today. I am still devistated and miss him so very much. He had a brain tumor. I still feel as though I'm standing still watching life continue on without me. It is still surreal that I will never see his smiling face again or pet his soft fur as he lays his head on me. Now that I am trapped in my house due to the virus there is no getting away from the memories and the loss that I feel so deeply. I will always love and miss him. My life will never be the same.
Julie 💔
"Grief only exists where love lived first."
--Franchesca Cox
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Valentina
codysmum102 wrote:
I feel your loss and pain. My dog, Cody passed 4 weeks ago today. I am still devistated and miss him so very much. He had a brain tumor. I still feel as though I'm standing still watching life continue on without me. It is still surreal that I will never see his smiling face again or pet his soft fur as he lays his head on me. Now that I am trapped in my house due to the virus there is no getting away from the memories and the loss that I feel so deeply. I will always love and miss him. My life will never be the same.



Hello Julie,

I'm so sorry for your loss.

It is devastating. I can hardly believe more than one week has passed since my Cody's passing. I too feel trapped. This afternoon I sat on the front porch (something I did with him many times) with a smoothy (to help me eat up because nothing has been quite appetizing since) trying to breath deeply while also thinking of him, imagining him sat beside me. The grief is so strong because we love them so much, that much I know - it is something that has brought me comfort. Time is a necessity for us and as much as I hate feeling trapped I suppose we are both facing the terrible reality, perhaps it will help us with our grief. I am slowly trying my best to release the guilt, anger, resentment - all the negative emotions, so that I may focus on the positive ones, thanking him for every second I had even though I will always wish I had more. I never looked at photographs of us or him much before but I find myself doing that frequently now - the memories are so precious, so beautiful.

Sending you warm hugs and positive energy.

Kind regards,
Valentina
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