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Catliver1212

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My cat is my soulmate. I’ve had him since he was 3 days old and bottlefed him. He is now 15 1/2. We’ve been through everything together and grow up together. He has aggressive nasal carcinoma and received a prognosis of a few weeks to a couple of months. There’s NO treatment other than palliative care. I’m not coping. I can’t lose him, especially at my own hand but I also don’t want him to suffer. I’m calling today about at home euthanasia as he is so stressed by the vet. I’ve ordered him a beautiful hand painted custom urn and will be holding a memorial. What helps at the end? Does it get easier? Will I survive this? What is life like without your soulmate? Do cats go to heaven? Is there such a thing as angels? 😭

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Memories_of_Marmalade

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Oh my goodness! What a face on your beloved. Such incredible markings. Thank you for sharing that photo image and some of your cats and your story. I can easily read and see how much you adore your feline companion. I am sorry for what he and you have been going through.

I felt I had to put my beloved cat down Marmalade a little over 4 weeks ago. It was believed he was round 13 years old. I had adopted him in New Mexico a few years ago and had been taking care of him for around 4.2 years.

He was not diagnosed with a terminal illness such such as cancer, but he had so many signs that something was seriously wrong, He had stopped eating and drinking, had a gagging and choking reflex, growled while trying to eat and then gasped and shrieked at the site or smell of food. He most likely had a stroke during the first of his 2 surgical procedures. His left eye was in a permanent squint, his left set of whiskers were dead and almost lay upon his face, and his balance was negatively impacted for quite sometime and may have never fully recovered. He had a head twitch. His left 3rd eyelid would drop down. He was becoming a shadow of himself. 

Marmalade learned to despise the vet. He would attack them without mercy in the back examination room at the Animal Hospital. And in the end did not want any more medications, tests, examinations, surgical procedures or for me to administer med's at home. I did not want to lose his trust in me, which he still maintained all the way to the end.

Choosing to end his life has completely destroyed me. I am overwhelmed with grief, guilt, remorse, regret and sorrow. Had I obtained a definitive diagnosis of cancer? And I knew that I only had few more months with him? I would have probably put him down earlier, as I would not have wanted him to endure any additional pain & suffering, more than he had already experienced. And pets are so good at hiding pain so that needs to come to mind. As you may know, in the wild, animals can be attacked if they are vulnerable. But putting a pet down is a highly personal decision. 

I wish I had visited these grief message boards prior to putting my cat down. It is very wise of you do have done so, so that you can know what to expect. All we can do afterwards is to travel through time. I do not know if there is a Rainbow Bridge. I do not know if there are angels. But Marmalade was a walking miracle. I saw him survive things that he shouldn't have. And signs were all around us. And there have been a few signs too since he departed. 

I wish your cat & you all the best and am so sorry you are both having to cope with what you are experiencing. 

Kind regards,
James






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TheJackal300

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Reply with quote  #3 
I am sorry to hear about your furry little soulmate, he is beautiful. He loves you very much and trusts you to make this difficult decision and do what you think is right. My little Willow trusted me to do the same for her this past Friday. It was not easy and I will miss her always. She fought so hard and I was so proud of her but she couldn't go on without terrible suffering. Yes, you will survive and you're not alone we will help comfort you if we can.
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Jcunnane

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Reply with quote  #4 
Dear Catliver1212,

I'm so sorry about your kitty and soulmate. He is so handsome! 

Like all of us here, we're in extreme pain/guilt/heartache over losing our furbabies/soulmates. They give us so much unconditional love that we never want to lose that. But in the end, we have to do what's best for them. They trust us with all of their heart. We need to take their pain and suffering away and take that upon ourselves. It's our last loving gift here on earth that we can give them. 

I lost my Bubby, an orange tabby, two weeks ago tomorrow. It was the MOST painful and hardest decision I ever had to make. I feel guilty. Did we do enough? Could have he made it? But I know in my heart, if he did make it through this his life would have been not pleasant. In the end his one good kidney that was left was in failure. He would have required subq fluids, red blood therapy, pain meds and a new diet. He would have hated us. I would do anything to have him back but I wouldn't want my love to be in pain. He already fought so hard for so long for us. He was and is my one in a million. He was my heart and soul.

There's nothing we can say on her to bring our loved ones back or take the pain and guilt away. It's a process of grieving. I'm just now, at two weeks, starting to accept what has happened and that he won't be back. This has been the longest we've been apart and like your love, our kitties were bottlefed so they were somewhat of human kitties as I call them. 

The good thing is that so many of us on here are here for the same reason. We love our furbabies and love them a lot. Probably no amount of words can describe how much we love them. We're here for you to share stories, in need of a virtual shoulder to cry on or like I have been doing, writing to my Bubby daily. He would have been 10 in July so I feel like I have a lot left to say to him. You will survive although you won't be the same. There will be a void but that just means how special your man is to you. And that bond is one to cherish forever.

The tears and overwhelming feeling of weight on your chest will be there but it does get better. I couldn't eat for the first 5 days. Now I'm starting to. I'm starting to pick up pieces. I still cry a lot but not all day everyday. He was and is my soulmate. I don't think he will ever know how much he means to me. I can't wait to be reunited with him one day.

I hope you find comfort here as I have and many others. We are here for you if you need us.

Hugs,
Jackie



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Bubby's (Milo) Mommy - Always & Forever My Little Man 💜

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Catliver1212

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Reply with quote  #5 
Thank you for all the kind thoughts. I put macky to sleep today. It seems so unreal. I keep expecting to see him and cuddle him. He went quickly and peacefully. I miss him more than words could express. He took a huge part of my heart and soul with him. I’m not sure how people ever feel any better after this but this is definitely the worst day of my life
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Memories_of_Marmalade

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Dear Ashley,

I am so sorry and saddened to hear that unfortunate news. I'm very glad that you did get some additional time with your beloved Macky, as you had hoped for. My heart is already shattered, but it is breaking into even more pieces for your recent loss.   : ** (

I had saved a copy of that photo you shared of Macky, as he was such a magnificent looking cat! Thank you for sharing some of his and your story and that wonderful photo. There is a "knowingness" in his eyes that is very apparent. 

Kind regards & my sincerest condolences,
James
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Catliver1212

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Reply with quote  #7 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Memories_of_Marmalade


Dear Ashley,

I am so sorry and saddened to hear that unfortunate news. I'm very glad that you did get some additional time with your beloved Macky, as you had hoped for. My heart is already shattered, but it is breaking into even more pieces for your recent loss.   : ** (

I had saved a copy of that photo you shared of Macky, as he was such a magnificent looking cat! Thank you for sharing some of his and your story and that wonderful photo. There is a "knowingness" in his eyes that is very apparent. 

Kind regards & my sincerest condolences,
James


James,

Thank you so much for the kind words. They have me a moment of peace during this extremely difficult time. I keep feeling like I killed my best friend. I’m just so lonely without him. I woke up off and on during the night, forgot, and kept looking for him. He always slept with me. I wish I could go back in time and have a few more years, months, or days with him. Does this ever get easier? How do you heal a broken heart?

Ashley
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Memories_of_Marmalade

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Dear Ashley,

I'm so sorry sweetie. Many of us feel the exact same way as you do. I am so lonely without my Marmalade too. For the first few weeks I would awaken at night and he would not be there and it was just beyond heart-wrenching and devastating. At times I heard him meow or trill and I felt him walk across the comforter. I still miss him so much. It will be 12 weeks the day after tomorrow (Thursday.) Me too. I wish I could have another day with him or a month, or a year. Yes, it does get easier by all accounts, based upon the posts from those who have come before us, who post here. They all say that they are doing better and can look back at their lost loved one(s) with predominantly good and happy memories. All we can do is continue to travel through time together.

The fact that Macky went "quickly and peacefully" is so important. You read very tragic stories here of how pets suffered horrifically in the end, how they went blind, or became catatonic, or delusional, or clawed at the air while they gasped their last breaths, or bled out of both ends, or vomited and then lay in a puddle of their own blood. It can be so, so terrible. Your Macky never had to experience any of that. You showed him mercy and ended his pain and suffering quickly and peacefully. By making that choice you took his pain and suffering onto yourself, that is the bargain that you made, and now you are processing that transference through your grief. That is what you are feeling. Time is an important part of the grieving process.

Macky was so amazing looking and so unique, it must make it even harder to have lost him. He was so enchanting looking. He was a very, very special cat which is easy to tell.

Kind regards & Hugs,
James
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