Yukiy2010
My German Shepherd puppy passed away last September, just two months after he turned one. He got into my anxiety medicine while I was asleep and collapsed the next morning as I took him out to pee. I've carried the feelings of guilt. My heart is shattered. I worked long hours. I had severe anxiety at the time because I had a racist neighbor who threatened my life for the entire year and managed to damage my car. My husband also has severe depression and was unhappy with his job so I didn't really get a break. But getting to come home to my furry son, Ace, hearing the new things he did that day, having to give him butt rubs every time I came home gave me so much energy to keep going.

...and until about a year ago, I never really took medicine for a mental illness before.
So that night, as I came home tired from working so much and my anxiety killing me with fear of the racist lady, I had left my backpack open on the floor. That was where I had my medicine because I would often forget to take it in the mornings so I decided to carry it with me.

But that night...my husband told me to put a muzzle on him at nights because he would chew things but I didn't want to. My husband works night shift so he's not home when I'm asleep and I wear hearing aids so I can't hear at night. Ace found my medicine inside my bag and ate the entire bottle. When I woke up, I found him on the couch, with stain from where he had thrown up, and chewed up medicine bottle. And he was still alive at the time. I called my husband immediately and he said to get ready to take him to the vet immediately as he will rush home to pick us up. The vet was still closed so I got things ready so that we can be there as soon as it opened up. I decided to take him outside since he that was his routine. But right before I took him out, he starts to get droopy and blacked out for a second. Then immediately came back and saw me in front of him, thought I'd just come home and begged for butt rubs as if nothing was wrong. I didn't want to believe something was wrong. I couldn't believe that it was going to be fatal. So I took him outside. And he collapsed. I called out a neighbor to help me carry him back inside until my husband came to take him to the vet. At this point, I was trying to pump his heart and giving him mouth to mouth resuscitation. I was in tears, begging him to not go. Begging him to stay. I was so scared. I had called my husband again and he stayed on the phone until he arrived. We took him to the emergency vet as soon as he arrived. Thankfully, the racist lady didn't see any of this.

But since then, I haven't been able to heal. I don't even know if I deserve to heal. Honestly, I want someone who can understand what I'm going through. Someone to grieve with. To make me feel like I'm not alone.
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5552310
I am sending you so much love. I think you need and deserve some kindness and understanding, so here I am. I believe you were the best mama to your beautiful boy, and what happened is so brutally unfair on you and your dear dog. It was through kindness to your friend that you didnt muzzle him overnight - he would have felt it was a punishment and wouldn't have understood why or what he had done. Something that helped a bit after I lost my 4 year old Burmese cat is the idea of 'telos'. The notion of what it is to be a cat, their essence and natural state of being, is to be free, to be independent and retain their wildness despite being domesticated. If I had had I kept him as an indoor only cat, he would have been miserable and felt punished, I would have sabotaged his very nature and imprisoned him against his will. I have so much guilt that he would still be by my side if only I'd kept him inside, but he would have hated it. So in the same way, the telos of a young dog is to explore, to chew, to go about his doggy business about the house, unmuzzled.
You did your utmost to save your friend too, giving him first aid shows such strength in what must have been a truly horrendous experience, and to have not crumbled in panic, despite the anxiety is incredible. I dont think many people would have maintained such presence of mind.
You need to give yourself permission to forgive yourself, you are a good person who has suffered terribly from this experience. It wasnt your fault your dog found your meds, it was just a awful set of circumstances that led to it. Had it been your husband that left something which doggy found instead, would you have punished and blamed him in the same way as your doing to yourself?
You loved your dog and did your very best for him, so please be kind to yourself and let go of the guilt. It was an accident, no blame needed.
I hope you find some peace, and eventually find another furry friend to pad by your side, you absolutely deserve it. I hope too that your anxiety fades, I'm also struggling with it, so very much feel your pain with you. And as for your racist neighbour, I hope she gets eaten by a band of marauding wild boars. Please don't give that fool any of your precious headspace, she is the way she is due to ignorance and fear, you have enough going on without her input.
I would be glad to be your friend to grieve with, it's really lonely dealing with bereavement, anxiety and lots of people dont really understand when it's over a pet.
It's been 18 months since I lost my boy. He was hit by a car outside my house. My neighbour came to tell us and my partner drove us out to the 24 hour vet, where I left my boy. I didnt properly say goodbye because I thought I'd see him again in a day or so. I could have stayed longer and I could have called in sick and gone to see him during the next day. They thought he would just have to have his tail amputated, so I wasnt prepared when the vet called to say my Bonnie's heart had stopped. I was putting my 3 year old son to bed when I got the call and it felt like my heart had been ripped out and I just screamed and sobbed. Not great for my little boy to see and he was obviously devastated by the sudden loss of his amazing cat. He just kept saying 'it's ok mummy, you just need to take a deep breath, just breathe'. How wrong is that, that he had to console me?
I was 6 months pregnant when it happened, 10 days before my birthday and our first family holiday abroad. I havent been able to get passed the grief, I miss my cat boy so much, he was the most awesome and beautiful cat. I slept with him in my arms every night and he was with me all day, causing trouble and making me smile.

It's so hard that what was once one of you and I's greatest joys is now our greatest pain. I have so many reasons to be grateful and happy, but this loss is so big, it makes me lose sight of the rest.



Lots of love from another heartbroken and anxious lady.
❤🧡💛💚💙💜
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Yukiy2010
Thank you so much for your kind words. It is so hard to have to move on without your fur baby, especially when they were supposed to have so many more years ahead of them. Your words, your story really touched me. And I'm so sorry for the pain you're carrying as well. I think it's amazing that your son consoled you like that. You're a human being. And by showing your emotions, I think he was able to learn how to be empathetic and understanding. You're an amazing mom raising a wonderful son.

I some times talk to my dog when I'm alone and pretend he's listening. It's been helpful because it sorts my thoughts. It also gives me a sense of closure because I get to say what I couldn't express to him and I didn't get to say my goodbye to him either. It might help you too.

My husband and I have been looking at other dogs in shelters. But it's been hard taking the step to be committed. Every time I think I want another dog, I keep going back to the final moments and get scared. I also keep calling every dog I see, "Ace", by accident. XD I have to consciously stop myself but it keeps slipping out. It makes me rethink about getting another dog because I don't want to get the dog to fill in for Ace. I want to get the dog to love him or her for their personality, not because I see Ace in them. It's hard to get that habit out of me though. I'm still trying to figure that portion out. I think if I already had another dog when Ace passed away, it would have been easier to cope with.

I really appreciate you sharing your story and for those words. It gave me courage to try and forgive myself. You sound like an amazing person with humility. Your family is lucky to have you. And I know Bonnie was so happy to be with you. Probably bragged to all of the other cats how lucky he was. (:
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FrankMissingOliver
You are not alone. It is so hard to carry on with all the different feelings we have. We beat ourselves up constantly because we so loved our little ones. My Oliver just passed a few days ago. He was so young and it was tragic. It is so hard. I understand your pain. We all hopefully can get through together. We will always have them in our hearts constantly. They loved us and we loved them. Nothing can take they way.
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5552310
Dear Frank,
I'm really sorry that you've lost your friend Oliver, I'm sending you lots of solidarity and love.
These first days and weeks are very tough. I found it hit me afresh every morning, those first seconds of the day I knew something awful had happened then remembered what it was and it seemed unbelievable, I'm sure you are only too familiar with that feeling right now.
I think it helped to be able to talk about him, and what happened and how I felt, in order to process it, or attempt to process, so we are here if you would like to tell us how your feeling and help makes sense of it all, as we are all in the same boat, but at different points of the journey.
I think because it was so sudden, unexpected and totally, incomprehensibly unfair, the brain really struggles to cope. All those neural pathways of peace, connection, happiness and joy that your beloved pet brings are suddenly not used, instead newly created pathways of grief, guilt, anger etc, form, and that's a hell of a switch and is extremely hard to cope with.
You sound like a compassionate and kind cat dad, Oliver was clearly adored. I am so sorry that you're going through this.

With love and solidarity,
Mama G
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5552310
Dear Yukiy2010,

Thank you so much for your very kind reply. I'm really pleased that you feel you may able start forgiving yourself. Ace would have wanted you to live your life with the joy that he knew in you, as I'm sure Bonnie would have wanted for me, too. I guess its difficult to surrender the pain of their loss, as in some ways this is what we have left as proof of our love and devotion. To let go almost feels dishonorable to Bonnie, but I know holding the pain blots out the joy he bought me.

About getting another doggy - I got a rescue kitten 2 months after we lost Bonnie, as our family were so desperately sad and had an abyss in our home. I dont know why, but I had it in my head I wanted to find a tabby girl cat (I've had a burmese cat all my life, all 3 boys). There was only one tabby girl cat at one of the four rescue organisations I contacted, and so I think i was supposed to have her! Part of me wants to believe Bonnie had something to do with that, as Suzi has turned out to be a truly awesome little cat, like exactly the cat I needed. When I rescued Suzi, I felt like it was a two way rescue, she stopped me going to far down in grief. Suzi is intelligent, extremely good natured and sticks close by. While I dont have the intense connection with Suzi like I did with Bonnie, I dont think I want that with another cat, as it stays sort of stays sacred between him and me.

I think if you found the right dog, you would find a wholly new harmony with him or her. And when you save a dog from a shelter, you save another too by making a space for a new inmate. It sounds like your soul needs a furry friend, I know I did.

I think you just know when an animal is supposed to be yours. When I was 13 and my mum finally agreed after years and years of begging, to let us get a dog, we visited so many places, met so many dogs, but the instant I saw my dog bought out of his kennel, I knew just knew he was The One. I think he did too, as he acted like we were old friends and we were told he had barked at lots of other potential owners!

You will know when you find him or her. You can start on a new journey together, going out on walks again (I missed that so much when I lost my dog, like it wasnt for me anymore) learning about each other and having someone to channel all that love and energy to. I'm sure there's an awesome dog waiting for you somewhere.



Lots of love,
Mama G

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codysmum102
Stuff like that just happens. My daughter left her purse open and her dog accidentally ate a whole box of coldeze. You hear about people whose dogs have gotten into rat poison, chocolate, antifreeze poisonous plants and the list goes on. We all wish we could go back in time and change things but it wasn't like anyone gave their pets any of those things on purpose. You loved your dog and it wasn't your intention for it to happen although I know it is hard to overcome the guilty feelings. It's so true what was said about how sad it is that what once was our greatest joy is now our greatest sorrow. That is why I don't know if I can ever get another pet. It just hurts so bad when they are gone 😢
Julie 💔
"Grief only exists where love lived first."
--Franchesca Cox
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Kayleigh1986
5552310 wrote:
Dear Yukiy2010,

Thank you so much for your very kind reply. I'm really pleased that you feel you may able start forgiving yourself. Ace would have wanted you to live your life with the joy that he knew in you, as I'm sure Bonnie would have wanted for me, too. I guess its difficult to surrender the pain of their loss, as in some ways this is what we have left as proof of our love and devotion. To let go almost feels dishonorable to Bonnie, but I know holding the pain blots out the joy he bought me.

About getting another doggy - I got a rescue kitten 2 months after we lost Bonnie, as our family were so desperately sad and had an abyss in our home. I dont know why, but I had it in my head I wanted to find a tabby girl cat (I've had a burmese cat all my life, all 3 boys). There was only one tabby girl cat at one of the four rescue organisations I contacted, and so I think i was supposed to have her! Part of me wants to believe Bonnie had something to do with that, as Suzi has turned out to be a truly awesome little cat, like exactly the cat I needed. When I rescued Suzi, I felt like it was a two way rescue, she stopped me going to far down in grief. Suzi is intelligent, extremely good natured and sticks close by. While I dont have the intense connection with Suzi like I did with Bonnie, I dont think I want that with another cat, as it stays sort of stays sacred between him and me.

I think if you found the right dog, you would find a wholly new harmony with him or her. And when you save a dog from a shelter, you save another too by making a space for a new inmate. It sounds like your soul needs a furry friend, I know I did.

I think you just know when an animal is supposed to be yours. When I was 13 and my mum finally agreed after years and years of begging, to let us get a dog, we visited so many places, met so many dogs, but the instant I saw my dog bought out of his kennel, I knew just knew he was The One. I think he did too, as he acted like we were old friends and we were told he had barked at lots of other potential owners!

You will know when you find him or her. You can start on a new journey together, going out on walks again (I missed that so much when I lost my dog, like it wasnt for me anymore) learning about each other and having someone to channel all that love and energy to. I'm sure there's an awesome dog waiting for you somewhere.



Lots of love,
Mama G




I agree before baby boy passed we had been looking to expand our family and welcome in a dog we had been looking for a year and not found the right one until saturday, I got a notification about a little one needing her forever home on friday (the night before I had asked him to help ease the pain of losing him and the very next day I get the notification) we went with the view of just looking and she came right up to me and sat on my lap and went to sleep, I believe he sent her to me
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codysmum102
That is awesome that you are able to find another baby to help you. I don't think I can do that right now but there is an animal rescue by me that needs foster mom's for cats and kittens and after awhile I might look into that. I think since it has been awhile since I lost my cat, Moneypenny (2017) I can do that but it's too soon after Cody to foster a dog.
Julie 💔
"Grief only exists where love lived first."
--Franchesca Cox
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Kayleigh1986
I'm not ready for another kitty still to raw and painful, but owning a pooch is going to be different experiences, I still feel guilty one minute I'm excited and then the pain comes rushing back x
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