wkcookie
It's a little over a year later.  The guilt is still there.  The vet thinks my girl could have lasted another month.  But I couldn't put her through daily multiple meds, frequent sub q fluids and constant vet visits while I worked full time.  I feel like I failed her.  I feel like I was the one that killed her.  I feel like she wonders why I did it and why I was the one in the end that betrayed her.  I sometimes dream of her and I wake up and feel briefly ok until I realize it's a dream and I will never hold her or feel her again.
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CKMP
WKCookie,

Grief and guilt are a powerful duo.  Our hearts and minds are so so often at odds with one another when we begin to look at the care and decisions we made for our fur ones.  We are often tricked by guilt into blaming ourselves for so many things that are just so unfairly out of our control.  A month more would have probably been a month more for you and not your sweet girl...You eased her discomfort in life and let her go with dignity and pride.  That is not a failure.  It is the most unselfish decision to make and take for a so loved companion and friend.  
Grief takes its own time...and each day no matter how long ago or how recently we said goodbye brings reminders that we are starting another day without...It is because of the deep bonds, the deep unconditional love and the comfort we have had the privilege of sharing with our fur one...
I know these are 'easier' things to say to someone else and so so difficult to say to ourselves and believe them.  We often have a clarity for others' circumstances and suffering that we do not gift to ourselves.  
Perhaps your girl is tapping you gently within your dreams - a sign she is good, she is healthy and she knows you love her and she is there to remind you she too loves you.  She would never 'wonder why you did it' [although I understand this torment well] - she does not feel betrayal - she feels love.  You have released her to be free once again, to be comfortable and to be near by you - yes in a different form -but nonetheless with you.  She hears your voice, and is forever with you.  You saved her from a month of discomfort, of fighting against meds, and needles and constant stress...You did indeed consider her first and foremost and set your angel free most unselfishly.  She now is your 'guardian angel' ever near.  
Share your story here if and when you can...there are many kind, considerate, understanding people - we are all within the journey of grief, of loss, of enduring heartache and sorrow...May you have just a few moments of calm, of peace within as you feel the touch of a special paw upon your heart.
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Tankie12
CKMP, I know your response was for wkCookie but you have no idea how badly I needed to read this, i’m approaching 6 months thinking it will forever be this dark shade of gray I see through. My Tankie’s last 6 wks were a blur of focused meds and fluids, my heart still tightenens for every needle she endured at my hand and the tears just run,,,, thank you
Lynn, Tankie’s mom, forever
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wkcookie
CKMP--Thank you so much for your words.  Your words were so beautiful and brought me much comfort.  I will be re-reading it countless times to remind myself to heal and hold onto the memories and her love.  Thank you.
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adelia
Wkcookie, I can relate to your situation. I lost my boy, gosh...going on three months ago. It was sudden, and I didn’t get to help ease him into a peaceful eternal rest. I struggle with guilt every day. I try to fight it off, because in the end, I know that Achilles just wanted me to be happy...but it is hard.

CKMP, your words have touched me to the core. Thank you for such eloquent words that would help ease anyone in their time of grief and guilt.
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PipersMother

WKcookie, I understand the dilemma you were faced with and the guilt it brings.  Although my fur babies Piper and Miranda were both ready to go when I put them to rest, I did struggle with Miranda's situation.  She was 22 and she died a week ago from heart failure associated with kidney and thyroid conditions.  

Last month, when the vet put Miranda on a few new medications and increased her sub-q fluids to daily, I was torn.  On one hand, I was glad to have something to help maker her feel better, but I also knew all those meds, daily poking with needles, and frequent vet visits for bloodwork and ultrasounds meant we were nearing the end of her life. I wondered if I really wanted to do all of that to her, or if it would be better to put her to rest early so that she could go in peace when she was still feeling fairly okay.  I opted to give her the extra medications and fluids, and while it did prolong her life, she was becoming more and more frail and she was annoyed with me for all the meds and fluids.  

For what it's worth, I finally came to terms with everything by looking at it this way: Miranda was 22 and her health was failing. She was going to pass away soon, no matter what.  I can play "what if" over and over, but the "what if's" don't necessarily mean she would have had a better outcome. Just a different one, and it could have been worse.  

So for you, maybe by letting your furry girl go when you did, you avoided a tragic, painful death for her.  She might indeed have lived another month, but she might have been miserable during that time, and she might have met with a much worse ending.   

Blessings and courage to you as you continue to process your furry girl's passing. And blessings to her for the good life she lived. 

 

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wkcookie
PipersMother--Thank you so much for your words and for everyone else that has replied or taken the time to read the post.  All of you help me live another day without her.  There are days where I struggle with the guilt and have been speaking with a therapist about it.  But there are days when I struggle and it's not time for therapy yet and then you and others' words help resonate in my head and heart and gives me some comfort.  Thank you all for that.
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