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Ronnie

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Reply with quote  #46 
Hi James,

I read your story. It's very cool. I've been through some very trying and transitional times in my life with Talyn. My loss of him was more sudden and unexpected. I had no time for goodbyes, hugs, or anything....just a rush to the vet, only to hear him say goodbye about 3 minutes before I got to the doctors office...half asleep at 2am...anyway, I know what you mean about having Marmalade motivate you. Talyn was my motivation as well to get my career to a decent place. I spent many months of unemployment with him in my lap saying 'Daddy is glad to have Talyn in his life' and various other similar things. It's exactly 6 weeks today, and I still play out that day over and over, wishing I hadn't assumed i knew what was going on, regretting falling asleep earlier than usual, and missing those crucial hours I should have been watching him more closely...as I read through your story I also remembered some trying times in my life that Talyn's companionship helped me get through.
I hope we both find another companion whose chemistry is perfect for us again...

https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/TALYN001/Resident.htm

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Ronnie A
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Memories_of_Marmalade

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Reply with quote  #47 

Thank you Gabriella, Baily 15, Lori and Ronnie!

I truly appreciate you taking the time to read one of Marmalade and my adventures "on the road." It means a great deal to me, that others know about my lad, and how much he meant to me and how much I loved, cherished and completely adored him. I miss him so much and my heart is still completely shattered. Like so many others here I am struggling to put the pieces back together.

Again, I thank you profusely for reading one of our stories and for your kind, gracious and supportive comments.

My very best regards,
James
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Memories_of_Marmalade

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Reply with quote  #48 


Today it is Thursday. It has been 13 weeks now since my dear lad Marmalade departed this World. And to this day, my heart is broken and I think of him often. I speak to his ashes. I try and remember the good times, but like so many of you here on this forum, my mind flashes to his final days and moments.

Time continues to pass, and I am still in grief and mourning. My guilt and regret for not doing a better job taking care of my boy haunts me to this very moment.

James
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redgirlraven

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Reply with quote  #49 
Hi James,
I’m so sorry you are suffering so. Today hit me hard too. I’m part of that awful Thursday cat day club as well. It’s been 9 weeks for me and I am still a wreck too.
I’m so sorry the Prozac didn’t work out for you. Were you able to get a new medication? I want the constant
Suffering to end for you.
Clearly you are a kind and loving man. You deserve some relief from this pain.

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AR
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Memories_of_Marmalade

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Reply with quote  #50 


Hi AR,

I am so ever grateful for your kind words. I feel so blessed to be able to visit here and receive such incredible support from so many here. Thank you again for being you and for your involvement here. You are an important contributor on this forum. I am sorry for your still suffering as well. Yes, the Thursday Cat Club. : (

I have an appointment with a new Psychiatrist next Thursday (of all days) and will be requesting an immediate prescription. It has been very interesting to me that those 15 days of taking the Prozac actually did make a difference in my mind set, and that now I am once again neck deep in depression. I am back to wading through the muck & the mire of sadness, but I will just ride it out. : /  Been such a strange experience to feel that dark cloud overhead return and cast its giant shadow over me and my life.

Hugs,
James
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redgirlraven

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Reply with quote  #51 
Please do hang in. And maybe your appointment being on a Thursday wasn’t just a coincidence.
I have been grasping at straws. I am looking at contacting this animal communicator Thea Storm. I know she’s probably a scam but I might give it a whirl just to see if I feel better. I have gone to a medium before when I lost a human loved one and it was complete obvious BS - so this might be the same but I will try anything.

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AR
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Memories_of_Marmalade

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Reply with quote  #52 


Marmalade & my next door neighbor, to the warehouse where we resided together, is a magician & illusionist. And he knows many ways to deceive people, and yet he believe firmly in spirituality. We always have fascinating discussions when we run into each other. So I believe it is both: possible and B.S. You just have to differentiate. But there is something mystical about the Universe. I firmly believe that. I continue to experience strange circumstances all the time.

James


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Ronnie

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Reply with quote  #53 
You and I have that in common. I feel horrible for not realizing how serious talyns condition was until it was too late, and seeing him die just minutes before I got to the vet...it haunts me the same. and it's only just under 7 weeks. I'm there with you bud
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Ronnie A
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Memories_of_Marmalade

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Reply with quote  #54 


Today (Thursday) it has been 16 weeks since I put my best friend down. I still can not believe that I made that final, fatal decision. I ended my boys life. My son. My brother. My comrade in arms. The only one I fully trusted. My beloved cat "Marmalade."

He never betrayed, lied to, abandoned, betrayed, judged, gossiped about or tried to destroy me. He never plotted behind my back against me. He was loyal, devoted, decent, loving and true.

Marmalade was one of the greatest and kindest souls I had ever encountered in my life. And I completely failed him in the end. I let him down. He had saved my life countless times, and in the end I gave the instruction that ended his life. My heart remains broken into a billion pieces, never to be put back fully together again. I am shattered man.

: *** (


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Ronnie

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Reply with quote  #55 
Hi James,

I feel your pain man. It's been 9 weeks since my boy left me in the world alone, and I feel so dejected for waiting 14hrs to get him to the doctor...I sit alone in the dark now without Talyn by my side. I have a sour pit in my stomach that doesn't go away. I feel like I let him down so hard by not taking his condition seriously until it was too late...he deserved far more consideration from me than that. I made a horrible judgement call and it cost my companion his life. I think we share a similar depth of sorrow. I only hope it gets better in some way as time goes on...I've been in the live chat lately, and it helps to talk live to those who are going through it also. perhaps you might join us some time.
It doesn't change the reality of things, but it's helped me feel less alone in my grief. Even now I sit here in my computer chair without Talyn by my side.

peace

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Ronnie A
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Jan_H

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Reply with quote  #56 
James,

I am sorry for your pain. Marmalade was very special. You saved him and he saved you. You were both loyal and devoted. Sadly you had to make that final decision to end his suffering. You did it out of love and your suffering grew. Please stay strong and patient in getting better. It will get better.

Jan
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Lrogers424

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Reply with quote  #57 
Hey James, 

The pain really hits hard sometimes.  You are grieving so much because you loved so much.  That is the price we all pay for the love we share with our companions. It is a love so pure and beautiful and when we inevitably have to say goodbye, we have to honor that love by not allowing them to suffer because we might need another day, week or month.  We have to do what is right for them, not us.  They live selflessly their whole lives loving us completely and without question.  Often they even hide their pain from us which is why we are surprised by a sudden and fatal illness.  Letting them go, freeing them of their pain is our act of selflessness.

We all struggle with the guilt over making that final decision and can be consumed by the "what ifs". I still relive that day and I doubt it will ever leave me.  But I decided to live with ALL the memories; the tough times when my Daisy first came into our lives (it was a huge adjustment for everyone as we trained her not to bite the kids), all of our adventures, snuggles on the couch, the peaceful days with a well adjusted dog and yes, even her final days...

Marmalade's life and death is part of your story.   We don't come out the same person; we come out better for having them in our lives.

Wishing you peace,


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Lori, Daisy's Mom and now Luna's Mom
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Sayuri

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Reply with quote  #58 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Memories_of_Marmalade


Today (Thursday) it has been 16 weeks since I put my best friend down. I still can not believe that I made that final, fatal decision. I ended my boys life. My son. My brother. My comrade in arms. The only one I fully trusted. My beloved cat "Marmalade."

He never betrayed, lied to, abandoned, betrayed, judged, gossiped about or tried to destroy me. He never plotted behind my back against me. He was loyal, devoted, decent, loving and true.

Marmalade was one of the greatest and kindest souls I had ever encountered in my life. And I completely failed him in the end. I let him down. He had saved my life countless times, and in the end I gave the instruction that ended his life. My heart remains broken into a billion pieces, never to be put back fully together again. I am shattered man.

: *** (


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Sayuri

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Reply with quote  #59 
Dear James, I truly believe in my heart that if you thought there was something else that could've helped him you would've moved mountains to do it. You did everything for him, beyond what many would do.

Trust me when I tell you that I would've taken a week off my Sayuri's life to have her in my arms when she died. I would've never left her in the hospital to be scared and die a horrible death alone. I should've brought her home even if just to put her to sleep.

What's worst is that I'm 99% sure had she come home, she'd still be alive. So, that you were with him was a great gift. You knew in your heart at that moment he had been a warrior, that it was your love only that was keeping him alive. I made a horrible decision. How I wish I had held her when she took her last breath and told her I loved her.

I called in for counseling appointment, they haven't called me back. Meds are helping, but that guilt will be in my heart forever, the images of her panting, hyperventilating, the fear in her eyes will be engrained in my mind forever.

Your love for Mermelade is why you said goodbye.

Sayuri's Mom
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Ronnie

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Reply with quote  #60 
Hi Sayuri,

I had to reply to your post. I know what you mean about feeling guilty for what you think you should have done...I too have regrets, about not getting my baby boy to the doctor earlier in the day. I had plenty of time, but didn't realize how bad his condition was until it was too late...he died just a few minutes before I got him to the doctor, and had I done so earlier he might still be alive. I just want you to know, that I am also dealing with insurmountable guilt and am having a hard time accepting my mistake...my condolences!

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Ronnie A
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