Baileys_mum_01
I will never fully forgive myself for making the decision to put my baby to sleep. It still haunts me when I think back to signing the permission form even though many people believed it was the right thing for Bailey.  I feel guilty every day.  I thought I was beginning to find a little peace but these last few days have been very difficult.  Some people close to me say I should be moving on with my life.  It has only been just over two weeks since we said goodbye to him.  I am nowhere near to moving on.  I am not sure if I can every fully move on. 
Bailey had a tumour in his ear that was very advanced causing him all kinds of problems.  We didn't realise how much pain he was in until a few days before he went to sleep.  Over the last few days I have had an ear/neck problem coming on.  I couldn't sleep last night because of the pain and had to make a doctor's appointment today.  It seems my ear is inflammed.  I have not had pain this bad for such a long time and I rarely suffer from ear problems.  It has made me start to realise a little just how much pain Bailey must have been in and how much he must have been suffering.  This is very painful and I am sure his pain was much much worse.  It has made me forgive myself just a little and I wonder now if I can start to try and accept that I did the right thing by giving him peace again.  I miss him every moment of every day and cry myself to sleep at night.  Alot of the time I feel him close by, I just wish I could see him and reach out and stroke his soft coat. I love you Bailey.
Diana

Bailey's mum

http://rainbowsbridge.com/residents/BAILE344/Resident.htm
Quote 0 0
firelace
  Wow you did such an unselfish thing for Bailey. Though I know how bad you are hurting. I admire the love you have for your baby. I am not sure what to say except I feel your pain of missing him. I am so sorry. I had to make that decision with my 1st German Shepherd Lady when she had a disc go out in her back and went lame. I know how hard it is. With her I felt so deeply sorry for her trying to pull herself up and it was just so sad. So I did it for her. But it did not take my deep emotional pain away. She was my very best friend on the earth and we did everything together. So I understand to a certain point. Bailey was amazing and had an amazing mama. What a lucky boy he was.
RIP our beautiful shining Star. We love you and will miss you always and forever.
Quote 0 0
Baileys_mum_01
Thank you for your response to my post and your kind words.  I love Bailey very much and it was a very difficult decision.  I don't think I will ever fully forgive myself but I am beginning to realise just how much he must have been suffering.  I am sorry for the loss of your own babies.  They were blessed to have you to love and take care of them.  You are in my thoughts.
Quote 0 0
AnnieBirdseed

Dear Diana.  You have nothing to forgive yourself for and I don't think you're being one bit fair to yourself right now.  Your poor Bailey was in horrendous agony that he could not get away from even for one second.  You SPARED him God only knows what kind of further torture when you set him free.  I have a suggestion to make.  When you get these feelings of guilt or start to believe you did something wrong?  Make believe it's me you're talking to.  Make believe that I was in the EXACT same circumstances as you were and that I made the same decision.  What would you tell me if I felt guilty?   Would you tell me I was bad or that I deserved to feel guilty?    I don't think you would do that.  Meanwhile, PLEASE, be kind to yourself right now.   Your getting ill yourself is probably a result of you not taking good care of you.  You're probably not sleeping well or eating well and as a result, got ill too.  Or maybe it is God's way of showing you that you did NOTHING wrong but in fact, did indeed spare your poor little dog when there was no hope.  Imagine how he might have suffered except for your BRAVE and LOVING decision.   May God please comfort we who mourn.  May He comfort you.  And I pray that your precious Baily will come to visit you in gentle dreams to let you know he's free from pain.  Hugs.

Quote 0 0
Baileys_mum_01
Thank you so much for your reply to my thread.  I never really looked at it that way until you pointed it out.  I would never tell someone else they were bad or should feel guilty but yet I find it easy to blame myself.  I do try to tell myself he is at peace and he was in alot of pain.  Having this ear/neck pain myself makes me realise just how much pain he must have been in only he was probably suffering alot worse than I am.  I wish he could have talked to me and told me. I think that's the hard part having to decide for them.  I was fortunate that he was rarely sick in the twelve years we had him.  Thank you for making me look at it from a different point of view.  Sometimes I feel that I didn't fight enough for him or think more about surgery.  He was twelve though and from what the vet said the surgery was complicated and ending his suffering was the kindest thing for him.  I am not sleeping well at all.  I have been through a difficult few months with one thing and another prior to losing Bailey.  I think what you have said will really help me try to deal with the guilt.  Thank you for caring.
Quote 0 0
Mistysmama
Dear Diana,
Two weeks really is not very long. You are still in very new, very raw grieving. We do grieve deeply for them, because they are so close to us, probably in some cases closer than any humans have been to us. There is a Soul-understanding with them, and we miss them so very much.

It's always unspeakably hard to have to decide to end their lives. I think it is good that we have the option to end their suffering, when medicine or treatments cannot help them any more. With human loved ones, we don't have that option, and people have to carry on suffering....I know that doesn't help much to take the pain away, but I do think of it. Even the vet said when he put my sweet Misty to sleep, and he got the syringe ready "I wish there would be one of these for me when my time comes". I saw the sincerity in his face.

When I was at two weeks after Misty passed, I still hadn't felt her presence near me -or either I was too much in pain to notice it. I remember I could hardly eat and could hardly move about. I honestly thought I was going to die, and didn't mind one bit.
Strangely, owing to severe pain in my arm, I ended up going to the doctor. I only went to satisfy people who knew me. I didn't care. He tested my blood, and told me I had something odd about my blood cells (that I'd never had before) He said there were a lot of immature blood cells being produced. Yet I had no vitamin deficiency, or other things which could have caused this. He said "the only other cause is great blood loss, like from a huge internal bleed".... I hadn't had one of those. But when I told him my dog had died from internal haemorrage 2 weeks earlier....he just stared at me.
That was a strange thing. One month after when I went to get my blood checked, all was normal again...
I wonder if a part of us identifies so deeply with what our loved ones have gone through, that it even affects our bodies, the bonds are so deep?
Hold the love like a little light. It is all you have, or will ever have, to find your way home.

Misty's Blog..a Dogfight with Cancer http://www.mistysblog69.blogspot.co.uk

Misty's life after death: http://www.dog2spirit.com
Quote 0 0
Baileys_mum_01
I am beginning to accept that I did the right thing for Bailey.  The kind people here have helped me realise that now.  It
is so strange that you went through that experience with your blood tests but nothing else showed up.  I am convinced that my ear pain is connected to Bailey.  I have never suffered from ear problems before and it is my right ear too, the same one that was causing his pain.  I like to think it is Bailey telling me how much pain he was in and that it was ok to let him go.  I wonder if anyone else has had a similar experience.  I think maybe a part of us does identify with what they have gone through.  Thank you for sharing that experience and for your continued support.
Quote 0 0
Mistysmama
Yes it is strange that your right ear is very painful. It could well be something from spirit, as a kind of message, just as your intuition is telling you. Something like that increases our empathy. It could be to tell you that he was indeed ready to go. We can often project our hopes and fear of loss on them, but to listen to "when they have had enough" is a very wise thing. They accept passing from the physical life much easier than we do. They sense it is not the end, and they will be free of suffering of the body. Animals are very psychic. And in many ways they know more than we do.

But I still hope that your pain goes away very soon.
Hold the love like a little light. It is all you have, or will ever have, to find your way home.

Misty's Blog..a Dogfight with Cancer http://www.mistysblog69.blogspot.co.uk

Misty's life after death: http://www.dog2spirit.com
Quote 0 0