fvernon
So my 17 year old cat was PTS 9 weeks ago today, he developed struvite crystals (was treated for them initially and was at home for a week and then reblocked and had to go back in to have a catheter for a second time) and the vets told me he was miserable and there was nothing more they could do so I had to authorise it over the phone.  I last saw him when I dropped him in the vets carpark and was told that all being well, I could pick him up in a few days time.  I think this is what has made it all so much worse and harder to bear because I didn't get to say goodbye and feel so guilty that he spent his last few days in the vets and that I didn't cherish the last hours I had with him because I was so stressed getting him to he vets as quickly as possible.  I wondered whether anyone else has struggled because of Covid and not being able to say goodbye and this has affected their grieving.
The first days and weeks were unbearably painful and I felt the loss so immensely (worse than anything else I have ever been through, including the loss of a parent) but it seemed to become easier to live it at times even though I missed him everyday,  This strangely made me feel sad because the pain of the loss is what keeps me linked to my boy and I feel in a strange way that I don't want to get used to him not being in my life anymore...not sure if anyone else can relate to this? I was a grief counsellor for years and I can recognise the stages of grief I have been going through but I am really struggling with the acceptance stage, this one seems so much harder and I guess it's now that I'm coming to realise that this whole nightmare is real and he's not coming back.  I seem  to have gone backwards the last few days and it feels unbearable again, perhaps because the reality is really setting in after the initial shock.  I also find myself tormenting myself by smelling his little bed or looking at his food in the cupboard.
I'm wondering if anyone can relate...

Fliss
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Mdmoore
 I can relate to you Fliss.  I didn’t get to say goodbye to my baby girl, everything happened so fast, having to make the decision to put her down and COVID-19 rules at the Vet hospital and I felt so guilty. The worse part for me about the guilt is that there was nothing I could do about it, it was over forever, no hope and no second chances. I don’t know if I would call it getting used to or that I just had to continue living without my baby girl.   I haven’t reached the acceptance stage yet.  I also tortured myself by looking at her empty bed and food bowl and I could picture her looking at me saying:  ”Mommy why do you do this to yourself “.  I ended up putting her stuff away because I didn’t know how to deal with the sadness and pain of having to be without her.  I hope you feel some comfort in knowing that he is at peace. 
M Moore
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fvernon
Thank you for responding, it's horrible to know others have had to say goodbye in a similar way but also makes me feel less alone in such a bizarre situation.  It's almost like I can't accept it's real because I didn't get to see him 'feeling miserable' or 'giving up' with my own eyes and just question it all and whether I should have given him one more day, I was just in such a state at the time.  I also find it impossible to know how to live without him and what to do with such a big hole in my life.
I am really sorry that you had to go through that with your baby girl, it is just awful.

Take care,
Fliss
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roseblue1
Hi Fliss.

I dropped my darling boy Monty of at the vets and was told over the phone that there was nothing more they could do for him as he was having trouble breathing...for a Maine Coon he was getting on in years and I knew that I was lucky to have him for so long...but like you I could not be with him which broke my heart and this was nine weeks ago today.

I still have a cry every day...but I now think of the lovely times we had with Monty and they are slowly taking over the sadness of it all.

But I do know how you feel.

Take care.

Ellen x
Ellen Hague
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fvernon
Hi Ellen,

Thanks for your message.  It's crazy to me to think it was 9 weeks ago today, I thought I'd feel so much 'better' (whatever that means) by now. I just replay the last moments when we were waiting for the vet to come and take him in from the carpark and I had no idea that would be the last time I saw him.  I kept expecting them to call and say he'd perked up.  I'm really sorry for your loss, Maine Coons are lovely and I'm glad you are now able to remember the happy memories you had with Monty...I really hope I can get to that point without feeling so sad.

Take care,

Fliss x
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roseblue1
Hi Fliss

Exactly the same happen to me I had to leave Monty outside the vets door in the car park and I had to move 6 feet away from him and I was shouting out to him that I loved him and that his Mummy was here near him.

The first few weeks I thought of nothing else...and it was breaking my heart...but the people on here told me not to think of just that but to think of all the wonderful times we had with him and there were plenty and that is now what I can do. He knew he was so loved and that makes me happy.

Love Ellen x
Ellen Hague
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Memories_of_Marmalade


Dear Fliss x,

The feelings you are experiencing (as you well know) are very common. That feeling of letting go of our grief as we heal and thusly being afraid that we will then forget our beloved's, seems to also be some kind of penance we force ourselves to pay. As if we must punish ourselves. Must be part of the "guilt" aspect of the grieving process. I am going through the same feelings still. They cycle back again and again, with spaces between. Very difficult to go through.

I send you healing prayers & good thoughts.

Kind regards,
James
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Einstein
Dear Fliss,

I'm sorry about your loss of your baby boy.

I lost 2 cats over the years. I also lost my dad almost 25 years ago. My cat, Deysi, was put to sleep a week ago due to cancer. The best thing I ever did was get her after my other cat, Buddy, was put to sleep in Feb 2007. Deysi was recused from a cat shelter and had a wonderful life with me. 

I'm now taking care of my mom's 2 cats while taking care of mom the next several months. Although they are very different from Deysi, they still bring me a lot of joy. I'm planning on getting another cat when I head back to my home state in several months. 

I hope you will get another cat when you are ready. 

However, being busy with teaching preparation of 3 university mathematics courses, taking care of several dogs and cats, still get my mom to laugh and so forth keep me busy and bring joy to my life.

And yes I still grief about Deysi. You must always remember and never forget that your cat always will be there in your heart and mind.  

Take care,
Einstein
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P_Mom
Dear Fliss, 

I'm so very sorry for your loss. To you and everyone on here who had to deal with the Covid restrictions - my heart goes out to you. That isn't fair.  I lost my oldest dog in February right before restrictions started in the US (Ohio). I think about this all the time and I'm grateful I was able to be with my baby - as agonizing as it was.  Shortly after I was sent to work from home (still am) and I was bitter that I could've have that time everyday with my boy vs being at office, but I'm certain the restrictions complicate the already profound loss and grief.  I'm nervous how long this will all last in the US as my other boy is 12. 

I still can't accept my boy is gone. I sleep with and smell his toys.  There are blankets I haven't washed since he left - or remains from his last meal (tiny morsels) in his food bowl.  Everything is untouched. I can't even read about 'acceptance' in books or articles. Last night about 4am I went out to his grave.  I can't do anything else but think of him, take care of my other boy, and work (because I have to) since he's been gone and it's 6 months next week. 

It is unbearable and we relate.  I'm sorry you could not be with your kitty.  I know it doesn't make it easier, but you put his needs above your own as they said he was miserable with a poor prognosis.  Hopefully you can find some peace in doing right by him. ❤️
Jennifer
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chilover
Floss.

I am so very sorry for your loss. I have gone back and forth with the different stages of grief. I have my baby's 'unwashed blanket' stored in a box & once took it out because I needed to hold it close to me & smell it...I must have been feeling stronger on that particular day as I cannot bring myself to do it, for fear of the smell disappearing when I open it as well as it being too painful. It has been 1 year since I said goodbye to my baby ( even writing that sentence has filled my eyes with tears ) & only yesterday was I punishing myself -  I told my mum that I shouldn't be allowed to enter into a church & I was even having thoughts that she may not have even died & that my vet may had taken her from me & given her to someone else,  still alive but separated from me. I couldn't control these thoughts. All I know is that somedays are better & than others & that the stages often repeat themselves without warning. It is very difficult - but when those beautiful, heartfelt memories of my baby enter my mind, 'my heart swells with love & pride' & knocks those awful painful memories down like skittles!!

You put your boys needs before your own because of love. You loved him.

Sending you comfort & peace.

Daisy's mummy 
Angelina 

  
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fvernon
Thank you all for taking the time to leave your lovely comments, it helps it know I am not alone in these feelings.  It is the hardest thing to have to go through and I send love and light to you all x
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