P_Mom
Yesterday was 6 months since my boy Patch left. It was also a Wednesday. Today is my birthday and I'm going into a new year without him. He's been with me since 30. Everyone is wishing me happy birthday but I'm tremendously sad and don't want the calls/texts/gifts etc. I just want my boy back.  He was the first thing I thought of opening my eyes this morning (as usual) after a hard day yesterday, then it hit me I'm now 46 and he's never been with me at this age, nor will he be.  I feel even further away from him now. I cried in the shower as I'm trying to hold it together for my other pup Sam.  

I'm really second guessing my decision to let Patch go. I feel strongly he should be here. I'm so beside myself I don't know what to do at times.  It's hard to function.  I can't accept our time here on earth is over. I do hope and believe we'll be together again, but the thought of waiting many years to see him is torture.

And I'm in a new house that I literally bought for him and Sam to make it easier on their aging bodies and it's not home without him. He was only here 3 months before getting sick and leaving. My husband and Sam both feel it. I don't want to clean, decorate, nothing. I shouldn't have moved him - now I realize the stress of the move was too much for him. Of course I have tremendous guilt about uprooting him.  

I don't even know why I'm posting this as it won't bring him back, I'm just so lost without him. I don't want to be in a new year without him. My Sammy is 12 and luckily healthy but I know each day is a blessing. I don't want his last years seeing me sad all the time. I'm trying but it's so hard. Thanks for listening. 
Jennifer
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fvernon
I really empathise with you on this, I feel the same way at the start of a new month or each 'first' without my cat and that feeling of moving further away from him.  Like you, I find the idea of having to carry on without him in my life torturous like how can you go from having someone in your life that you love so much and enriches your life and then have a big gaping hole without them... I find that so hard to comprehend.  I thought after 10 weeks I'd be feeling 'better' to some extent but if anything, it feels harder in some ways, like I'm actually realising that this is my life and what happened wasn't a dream.

I feel similar guilt to you but everything you did was for Patch and I have no doubt that he had a loving, long and happy life with you but in some ways that makes the pain so much harder to bear,

I'm thinking of you and know you're not alone.

Fliss 
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P_Mom
Hi Fliss, thank you for your kind words. I know what you mean about realizing it's not a dream. I still feel in a tremendous fog, but at the same time this is my new reality. I hate it.

You're so right about the 'gaping hole'. Our pups and kitties bring so much life and joy to us each day, without them is truly a gaping hole.  While I don't want anyone to feel this way, it's helpful when others understand. ❤
Jennifer
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Irena13
Hi Jennifer.

Love Sammy with your whole heart - - spend as much time with him as you can - - I lost 2 babies and I wish I could hear them, feel them and be with them, I feel your pain - - gut wrenching beyond words - - like you I cry in the shower to hide my pain - - if somehow I could be with my dogs - - I would trade my life on this earth to be with them and see that they are all right - - I think most people would ask:  What is wrong with you to think like that - - I think only a person who has loved a fur-baby and experienced the painful loss would understand.  Kiss Sammy - - develop precious memories - - I had 3 weeks with Neeko before I lost him - - I spent time with Neeko, giving him hugs and kisses - - the day before he died he had come up to my face gently and licked my check - - I so miss my dogs - - when I read the posts on this form -- I am finding it to be a double edge sword - - the warm kind words of support are helping me process and I hope to find some peace but on the flip side - - I read your post and others and I look at all the dogs and cats and other animals who have died - - some very painful deaths, so many diseases some of which I have never heard of - - it is so so sad to read peoples loss and pain and grief - - I read a post on 'Marmalade' and the suffering the gentlemen had gone through in his life- - being alone in this world - - my heart went out to him and his precious cat - - like you I sometimes question why I posted any information about my dogs - - they will NEVER come back.  I felt so sad that I stopped reading anything and I cried for 2 straight days, my loss ....other losses and the sadness in this world.  I came back today to the forum and while I type this to you my tears cannot stop flowing.  Maybe I am a basket-case, everybody in this forum is supportive and I hope you and I can find peace.  My thoughts are with you - - you did the right thing because when you thought to move you did it with your beloved dogs in mind - - therefore it is not the wrong decision - fate is cruel sometimes - - what we do with all the best intentions days later may seem all-for-not.....your heart was in a good place when you made your decision - - both when you had to put your beloved pet to sleep and when you moved.  I am scared that I will not be ready for work in Sept. - - I teach high school students - - my mind is numb and there is too much pain in my heart.  I too hate my new reality - - my days go in waves - - today is better but I know tomorrow can be hell - as my Monday to Wed. have been hell:  precious memories that I can only relive in my head and heart and guilt that stirs it's ugly ugly head.  
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P_Mom
Irena13, thank you for the wise words and advice. I know you lost both your babies and I'm so sorry you are enduring such painful losses - I can't even imagine. And everyone on here is hurting so badly.  I know it's hard to even be on here at times. James and Marmalade have brought tremendous comfort to me and many on here, it's like therapy for me.  I'm so fortunate to have my Sammy and I now know each day, hour, minute is precious. I was so blind before I lost Patch. I realize now I denied they'd ever have to leave and put it out of my head. I could not face that day. I wish I would've been more realistic and need to be now. I don't want him to see me crying and upset which I have several bouts each day so it's hard. I wear sunglasses often in the house so he doesn't see my eyes but he still knows. I want him to be so happy as he so deserves it and I need and will do better.  

Thank you for your comments on the house. It's made the loss even more difficult because of guilt but my intentions were all about my dogs - to make their lives easier. It feels like a strange place and I have few memories here with Patch then I lost him. I long for our old house and neighborhood with thousands of familiar memories. I want to go back to how everything was a year ago. I had a screen porch built on the back before we moved in this one as I envisioned them living out their golden years sleeping on the safe, comfortable porch. I had the screens go all the way down to bottom except 1 foot so they could easily see but not run through it when they saw squirrels. Sadly Patch never even got to use it, but Sam loves it. We are on it constantly.  It's the only place right now I can connect to. The new house has been really challenging so I really appreciate your words. 

You will do your best when Sept comes. I read your posts how you were so strong for your babies when they needed you and your strength will come through. Try to take it one day at a time. ❤️

I did not want to celebrate today, but this evening my wonderful 18 year old niece surprised me with a painting she free hand painted of Patch.  It's the best gift ever and I'm so incredibly touched and it absolutely made my day. I have thousands of pics of my boys and knew immediately when I saw the painting which one it was. It was from last August around my birthday. She didn't know this and I think this is a gift from Patch too for my birthday. I have to share the pic and original.  She added a rainbow in the window. ❤

^I unfortunately cant get the pics to post as the files are too large, but I absolutely love it. 
Jennifer
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Monroegirl
Jennifer,
              I feel so many of the things you described. We also moved into a new house, and although I thought she handled the move ok(she was 18 at the time) I think that's when she started to slowly decline....I can now see when I look at pictures. I had 1.5 years with her here in the new house, but I was so busy running around and work work working, that I didn't get to make as many memories with her here. I do have some precious one which I'm so very grateful for.... (((Hugs)))
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P_Mom
Hi Andrea, thank you for your kind message.  I too see the age/decline when I look at pics. Probably the last full year, but Patch was very light (mostly white with some tan) and always looked and acted like a puppy, but when I look at old pics, I now see how he did look like old, but I really didn't see or realize it as much as I should have. His tan areas were so light now. 

I wish I had 1.5 yrs here with Patch. I wish I had one of each season, or even just the Spring, just one more season so he could be on the porch.  We barely had a Winter together here. I too like you was busy, busy with new house, work (and the holidays.) I feel I wasn't there for him when he needed me most. Do you feel that way with the move?

It's so hard. If we just knew, we could stop everything and just be. I thought it would always be that way for us - I always had 2 weeks vacation saved/reserved at work when the end was near to spend with him, but it all happened so fast, I had only a few hours.  I see now how foolish, ignorant, and the fanciful thinking I had.  

  
Jennifer
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Monroegirl
Jennifer,
            Yes, I feel that way with the move. I was working two jobs to try and get us a better house, and I thought that she did really good with the move, but now I'm thinking I was too harried and missed the signs that she was declining. If I knew, I would've slowed down for my baby girl; she deserved the best of me.
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P_Mom
It's so hard as we get caught up in life's obligations.  I miss my boy so deeply and immensely - the pain and longing is agony. 
Jennifer
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