johill2011
It's exactly 6 months last Friday since my handsome boy left this world and I still haven't come to terms with the loss.  This is the first time I've been able to fully tell my story so please forgive me if I ramble on too much but I need to get this out so that I can move on a bit more.  It has got a bit easier in that I'm not an emotional wreck all the time now and can talk about my baby boy and the good times we shared.  However, I still have days when I just can't stop crying and I find this is usually in the evenings when I get home and realise that Miz Cat isn't at home anymore.  I still can't come to terms with how quickly he deteriorated and the fact that I wasn't prepared for his passing.  I knew that he was very poorly as he'd been diagnosed with CRF and Hyperthyroidism in May 2015.   He'd been having regular check ups and blood tests and taking his meds and although he was losing weight seemed ok.  I went away to London for a weekend  to celebrate my 50th birthday and Miz Cat seemed fine when I put him in the cattery.  I picked him up on the Sunday and he was so pleased to see me and so hungry that he wolfed down his favourite meal, chicken and seemed his 'normal' self.   On the Monday he had an appointment for another blood test to monitor the progression of his disease and after that I took him home and that's when it all went downhill.  The next day, he didn't want any food in the morning and I left his usual meal for lunch with the timer on hoping that he'd be hungry and eat when I was at work.  When I got home he hadn't eaten anything and wouldn't eat his tea either.  This went on for a few days and his eight dropped massively. It's as if he's made a decision to stop eating and give up.  He'd taken himself off up to the bed in the spare room and just lay there all the time.  In fact I had to carry him up the stairs a few times cos he didn't have the energy to climb them himself.  I realise now that he'd chosen his time to leave me and nothing that I could do now could change this.  It was heartbreaking, I was a complete mess at work, having to keep dashing to the toilets to cry.  I rang the emergency vet on the Thursday evening and she told me I could take him in to her but it would be a choice of either putting him on fluids or putting him to sleep.  I didn't want Miz to be with a strange vet so I chose to take hin in to his regular vet the next morning.  Also, this would give me one last night with him and if he wanted to just go to sleep on his own bed then he could do so (I was kind hoping the he would just go to sleep at home with us).  The next day was horrendous, I took him in at 08.30 and cried all the way to the vets.  Once we were parked in the car park I opened up his basket and he stooed up as if he was having one last look at the world outside.  Once inside the vet weighed him and told me his weight has dropped to the point where it was too late and he was dehydrated, she gave me the choice of IV fluids or saying goodbye now.  I hope I made the right decision but I couldn't bear the thought of him lying there with all these tubes stuck in his body, he was so weak.  He could hardly stand up he had no strenght left in his little body to fight anymore.  Myself and my husband held him once last time and told him how much we loved him. Miz Cat passed away so quickly I was shocked, he must have been so ready to leave this world.  After his spirit left his body the vet left us in the room to spend some time with him.  We took Miz Cat with us and spent time at home with him before our horrific journey later that day to the crematorium.  I think I was in some sort of daze that day, it all seemed so unreal as if it was all happening in slow motion.  I really hope my boy has forgiven me for that day.  Halfway through the 'procedure' I just wanted to snatch him up and rush out of the surgery with him.  I do understand that my baby's illness was incurable and the I did everything I could to help him live longer but it just wasn't good enough, I couldn't beat death. 

I really miss my boy so much, I talk to him every day and I've kep all his personal items, feeding bowl, blankets, cushions.  I have his ashes on the bed at night as he always slept next to me in bed, so nice to reach out during the night and feel his lovely furry body there, purring away.  I am trying to move forward and be happy as I know Miz Cat would not want me to be sad, it is hard though but at least now I can remember the good times we shared and know that he is no longer in pain or discomfort.  I had 12 amazing years with my handsome boy.

I've been coming to this forum for a while now and it has been a real comfort to read other people's stories and know that I am not alone with my grief. 

Once again, apologies for my very long story.

Miz Cat, I will always love you (Iused to tell you that every day didn't I?), you were and always will be my special boy.

Miz Cats mum
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camunki
hi, to me 6 months is still kind of new...so i understand how you feel. Again, you did all that you couild for Miz Cats and we all wish out pets would be in our lives just a bit longer. Writing things on here helps too, it helps get things out. And the grieving path is a long one. I lost my baby Munki back on Dec 3rd so I am almost at 6 months and i still cry daily. I just miss the physical part of being with her. And to this day I consumed myself with "guilt" thinking i could have and should have done things differently, either way, that will not bring her back physically into my life.

sending (((hugs))) your way...

Cam


 
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CKMP
Miz Cats Mum
I am so so sorry for your loss of Miz Cat - your very special boy. . .  Your story touched my heart for sure and brought tears to my eyes . . .No apologies needed for a long story - it is your story, your time and your place.  It is so so familiar and similar to my experience with my special girl dog who will be my 'gone girl' of three months soon.  I too have gained some 'control' of my emotions - moving out of that 'fog' - still shed tears for her each day and yes still have those moments, days when to begin to cry would mean I would not stop.  And of course still ache with missing her.  I like you was not ready nor prepared for how quickly my girl went from a robust, running, playing, joyous life to not wanting to walk, eat or drink and to sleeping in my arms all day if she could.  My girl was also diagnosed with CRF but in March 2015 [along with pancreatitis and her Addison's disease [which she had been diagnosed with since age 4]] And, from a Monday in March 2016 to the Thursday of that same week that decision had been made and life changed - she was just 1 month shy of her 11th birthday.   I am still questioning if she was telling me it was her time, she was tired of fighting or if she was telling me to give her the opportunity to 'bounce back' one more time . . . Our vet "opened the door" and sewed the seeds of doubt and guilt unintentionally by also saying "we could put her on IV fluids and see how she responds and what happens" . . .I also could not put our girl through another aggressive intervention [she had had two periods of time in the hospital for stays of about a week each - once at 4 years with the Addison's diagnosis and then again in March of 2015]with tubes, cajoling her into eating or forcing her to eat and like you knew CRF is not curable, not reversible . . .and unsure of how far along she was in her kidney failure.  I struggle still with the guilt now - wondering if the 'right decision' was made - yet knowing in the mind it probably was. . .The vet took her away from the examining room that day to prep her for that 'procedure' for only a minute - then when bringing back in she lifted her head and looked at me square in the eyes - as if to say [I hope and think!] 'mummy please don't do any more, I am tired" . . .'or maybe she wasn't - that doubt . . . She too went quickly - no fight no pain.  I too like you though wanted once started - to grab my girl and run, run, run - or scream no, no, no stop!  
I am sorry Miz Cats Mum as I have taken a lot of space here and time to tell you a bit of my story.  There are those companions that truly are our special ones I think, they touch our hearts and souls deeply and differently that our other fur companions and friends.  They 'save' us from ourselves more often that we probably know.  They provide us with a place in the world that makes sense and gives us purpose and become an integral part of how we define who we are, and what we are.  It becomes so difficult when we find ourselves in a place in time with them that forces us to admit we can no longer 'save' them and too often this comes as a 'shock' as our fur companions are so so good at not revealing aliments, aches and pains until it is serious.  In other places on this forum I have said maybe they are the wise ones . . . maybe they know life is for living, for enjoying, for unconditional love and company and when it is time and they can not do this any longer, it is time  - and onto the next new 'adventure'  . .  .  Six months seems a long time, but really is not  . . . You had 12 wonderful years with Miz Cat - and he is close still.  i have written many times I believe there is a bond, a golden silken thread between us and our special friends - one that winds it way around two hearts throughout the years spent together physically.  It is this bond that is unbreakable, and that tethers us together always. . .  It will be this 'thread' that gives you comfort and Miz Cat reassurance he is loved, cared for and about still today - It is this 'thread' that ensures that forgiveness we seek so desperately when we make those 'fateful decisions'.  And it is the bond that keeps his spirit/soul weaving and purring his way through your life, your home and always your heart.
Sorry again Miz Cats Mum for taking up so much space and time. . .  It just seems our stories/experiences are so similar. . .  
This forum is a 'life-saver' and an opportunity to sometimes see our situations through the eyes of others - a very kind person from this form reached out to me when I was feeling quite alone, lost and desperate, for which I will always be so so grateful - coming here is helpful if only to reassure ourselves we are not alone in this journey.
Wishing you warm thoughts . . . .
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LUCYLULU
Johill2011~  I am so very sorry to read about Miz Cat. I haven't found the strength to write about losing Lucy 6+months ago. Your post made me cry because I honestly understand every single word you wrote about your boy. I talk to Lucy every day and still wonder when & if I will ever fully heal. Not even sure if it's possible. My heart shattered into pieces the day I decided to take her pain. There's 'something' about the measurement of time. At the 6 month mark 05/10/16, I felt like 'something' kicked me in the stomach. Monstrous grieving all over again. 

Please do not apologize for your words. You are most definitely 'not alone in your grief'. The fact that you brought him to his own vet...and you both were there with him== Miz Cat knows how much you loved him. When you wrote, "I really hope my boy has forgiven me", I truly believe that he knew. You gave him the loving & unselfish time-- a peaceful passing to the bridge. You surrounded him with your love. Hugs, Kasey
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et61
Like everyone else, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my Sweetie after only having him for six wonderful, short years. He was a stray cat that literally jumped in my car one day and sat in the passenger seat as if to say "take me home", which I did. I was NEVER a cat person but Sweetie was different. We live on a farm and have 15 other animals and he was my favorite. I live in a new state with no family or friends and he was my comfort and now that's gone. I miss him terribly. He spent his last 5 days in a vets office trying to determine what happened. IVs in his legs, lethargic, not eating or drinking. It was so painful for me to watch my healthy cat go to this so quickly. I felt bad that is how he spent his last five days but I was doing anything possible to try to save him until I got the dreaded call that my Sweetie passed. Words cannot describe my feelings. I couldn't eat, spent days in bed and cried to hard that I could not breathe. I have his ashes but still have not looked at them as my husband hid them until I was ready. I'm still not ready and can't come to terms with his passing. It breaks my heart. It's amazing how these pets touch our lives. We've all lost a special pet or we would not be here trying to get through the pain. I hope things get better with you soon. Take all the time you need to grieve - obviously you loved him very much. That's all our animals ask of us and that's what they give us in return. Hugs to you ~ Dawn
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wendywoo
Miz Cats mum, what you said really struck a chord. That slow-motion thing, where you know what is happening, and all you want to do is shout STOP ! NO !, it takes my breath away just thinking of that moment ...
I also miss my boys terribly at night, still early days for me but my sleep is totally messed up. I just wake about 2am in a hot sweat and doze for the rest of the night. My darkest moments, when the pain feels overwhelming x 
So sorry for your loss x
Zippy 13/01/2008, Button 06/01/2016, Jake 11/05/2016
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johill2011
I have just read all the responses to mine and Miz Cats story and am overwhelmed by all of the kind words and support. Just about to go to bed but can't stop the tears from flowing. Thank you all for your support it means a lot to me.
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JM1974
So sorry for your loss.
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winstonsmom12
So sorry for your loss of Miz Cat.  He was a very sick little boy.  You gave him the last and greatest gift you could have given him, the gift of being pain and illness free.  Do not ever feel guilty.  None of us ever wants to see out pets suffer.  You did the correct and humane thing,  Blessings   Sue
Susan
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Ell99
Dear miz cats mum. Im so sorry for your less. My kitty also had kidney failure but when he fell off the lounge and then couldnt walk i was given the most horrible news. That was 4 weeks ago and it still seems surreal. Im living in a haze at the moment and hoping that it will get better as i do not like this feeling that we are all experiencing. Sending you hugs x
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Ell99
Wendy woo i do not sleep either. I use to always sleep well.
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