Sleepless
Where to begin... Tomorrow will mark 5 weeks, and I may be better in some ways... I (usually) can manage not to cry in public when it gets to me, I don't cry EVERY day, but most of them, usually multiple times a day. I can make myself look almost put together in front of people, but I still avoid being around people as much as possible. I can sleep a little bit with the help of medication. But today was a bad day. My anxiety was kicking my butt and medication didn't help much. I've cried at least 3 times today. I'm in college and I see the school counselor pretty regularly, and since I've lost Gracie I've been seeing her for that. I saw her today and cried from about 3 minutes in, all the way through the rest of the session. I've been mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted. I think my biggest problem at this point is guilt over any hint of moving on. I still miss her fiercely. But every single time I catch myself feeling slightly more normal, the second I realize I'm feeling better, I instantly feel terribly guilty. I feel like if I were to feel better, it would be dismissing her importance. And I dont know how to get past that. I've had depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember, and as some of you know, and others may not, guilt (whether warranted or not) is a big part of that. I find myself feeling guilty and think "wait, what did I do?" and realize that it's for no reason. So when I actually feel like theres a reason to feel guilty... It feels impossible to dismiss the guilt. I just don't know how to feel better without the guilt. I know that I'm not forgetting her, because I know that she was (and still is) such a huge part of my life, but I feel as bad as if I was. I think I've said this before, but it remains true, I know that this loss will leave scars, but I just don't know how deep. I know I'll never be the same again because she's a part of me, even still, but I dont know how close to the same I will get. And I don't know how I'll know when I'm there, when it's as good as it's gonna get. I don't know if I will ever look forward to anything again.

If you have time, please read my original post with her full story, and you might understand more.

Thank you for taking the time to listen to me.
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