ForCupcake
So it has been a little over 48 hours since I aided my sweet baby angel face Cupcake, across The Rainbow Bridge. This is by far the most difficult, gut-wrenching, painfully sad event that I have ever experienced in my 29 years of life. 10 of those years were spent with her but it feels like she was ripped out of my arms, abruptly. A piece of my heart went with Cupcake, that's exactly what this feels like. 

Like many of you who have lost your forever friends, I am constantly replaying the days, hours,  and moments leading to her departure on a painful spiral in my mind and I am filled with equal amounts of guilt and grief. 

Guilt because I wish that I knew this was coming, but I didn't. She died so suddenly with only being sick for a few days. Guilt because I wish I had not yelled at her and put her in time out when she urinated on my bed two weeks ago, but now I'm like, "well did she do that because of the pain of the tumor growing in her spleen?!". Guilt because I wish I wouldn't have hung out with my friends so much in the past, leaving Cupcake alone. Nothing in my life is more important than her and I feel extremely guilty for not showing her the same amount of unconditional love and loyalty that she showed me every single day. 

I do know that she lived a good life and I hope she knows how much I loved her.She was well taken care of and pampered by me. LOL well, I'm not sure if she enjoyed being groomed so often but she always looked so pretty. I had her groomed last week so she went across The Bridge with a fresh silky puppy cut, smelled of strawberry shampoo and wearing a pink dress. 

She traveled often to Martha's Vineyard, Mass. where my mom lives. She absolutely loved the freedom to run around the beach, even in the winter time. She loved that ferry ride from the mainland to the Island, the wind in her hair and the smell of the salty air. She loved all animals, sometimes to a fault. I live in New Jersey and we have had some "interesting" situations with Cupcake and baby deer. I also remember her getting into a precarious situation with a Fox. I am an animal lover so I guess it was kismet that my dog was so curious and loving about all living things. I have 3 hamsters and you'd think that a Yorkshire Terrier, bred to catch rats in clothing mills would never be as docile with the hamsters but she was. Not kidding, she allowed them to scurry around my bed and she would just calmly watch with a curious look on her sweet little face. 

Cupcake loved anything that I loved. I always shared my food with her, umm Mexican was our favorite by far! And in the morning when I make my smoothies I would give her the safe fruits, like bananas and watermelon and we would have breakfast together. But she also loved my friends and ex-boyfriends, even if they turned out to be pure buttholes. 

To my first pet, and life companion, Cupcake, I miss you so much that I feel the pain physically. My eyes are swollen shut from crying. I can't believe I have any tears left because they still continue to flow endlessly. I will never forget the joy you brought to my life. Right now I am not ready to be social with people or animals. I feel so lonely and the ONLY reason I am getting through this is with the help of the beautiful people and their stories on this forum (Note: in the bottom photo she was still alive, just sleeping in her favorite position with her favorite blanket, my little lamb).

 Cupcake Sleeping1.jpeg 

As soon as I got home after sending her off, I began drinking Jamison and googling "pet loss support groups". This forum has been a godsend to me. I am so grateful for all of you and I feel your pain as if it were my own. I now know what real compassion is. I am kind've an introvert but I do have a few loving people in my life but I just can't accept their love and wanting to take me out for a drink, a meal, etc. at the moment. So all of you from the Rainbow Bridge Forum have been my saving grace in this difficult time and it has inspired me to reply to posts and share a kind word with anyone who needs it. 

I told myself that I was going to go outside today, but I found out that I can't collect her ashes, the clothing she was wearing and her collar until next week and that kind've depressed me. I'm just not ready to enjoy and have fun/be social unless it has something to do with Cupcake. 

I miss you Cuppers, I hope you are having the time of your life right now, doing all of the fun Yorkie things that you loved to do with me and meeting many new friends. I miss you so much, my little baby angel face cuddle buddy Cupcake, and I loved you from 8wks old. One day you will see me at that Bridge and we will be united in blissful happiness forever Cupcake Halloween 2016.jpegin this photo she was Mini Mouse, this past Halloween. HAHAHA she would NOT allow me to put the hooded ears on her head. My cutie, forever loved and in my heart. 
With Love,

Sierre B. 
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Bailey15
Oh, Sierre,
What a beautiful little dog! It is so normal to focus on all of the things you think you didn't do right, or think you did wrong, but that is part of this awful grieving we have to go through. From everything you've described (ferry rises, visiting your mom, running on the beach to sharing your food, Cupcake had a wonderful life! I am so very sorry for your loss and I hope you can be gentle with yourself.
Thinking of you and sending hugs!
MJ
BTW: I love her Halloween costume. She really was so loved - and I'm sure she knew it! XX
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winstonsmom12
Sierre, My eyes were also swollen shut for days and days after my Winston passed.  My daughter asked constantly to come to her house, just to get out.  I went maybe 2 times but asked her to take me home 15 minutes later.  I told her I couldn't be around any people right now.  Same thing happened when a friend of mine picked me up.  I left crying after 10 minutes, telling her the same thing.  Winston peed on my bed often.  The first time I scolded him, after that i blamed myself for being gone too long. (which I really wasn't) and NEVER scolded him again.  I started shutting my bedroom door when i had to leave, which made me feel horrible. But my matress pad was totally ruined lol. Winston never liked other people in our Home. I had to put him in another room with a baby gate.  I usually rushed these people who came so they would leave because I didn't want Winston Isolated in HIS HOME.  Now when people come over, It's very strange. I'm still not used to it. We have all been through what you are going through. And still are.  Hugs your way XO
Susan
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ForCupcake
Bailey15: Thank you so much for saying she was beautiful. That touched me. I'm sure your fur-baby was beautiful as well and I send you my most sincere condolences because, sadly, I can say with clarity and conviction, that I now know the feeling. Thank you for the kind words of encouragement. You're right, this grieving thing is awful. I am so happy to have found this forum and because of people like you, I am hopeful that I will start to heal more quickly. 

Susan: I can totally relate to the pee situation. That made me smile because she would do it often, since her puppyhood. So yeah, my mattress is ruined as well. But it's okay. I am really sorry for your loss of Winston. I have read your recent posts and I can feel your pain through your words. I am so sorry. I am sure that I will be in the same position as you, with the spontaneous crying when I leave my house. I have a lot of anxiety about that. Like you, I have puppy gates and certain rooms where Cupcake could never enter. Gates are still up and doors are still closed because I think it makes me feel better to lose touch with reality at this point and pretend like she still can't access those places. Cupcake liked people but I totally know what you mean about rushing guests out so my dog could feel more comfortable. The doorbell rang about an hour ago, I think it was just a salesperson or something as I wasn't expecting anyone. But it was strangely melancholy to not hear my Cupcake barking. Didn't even know anyone was outside until I heard the knocking. Couldn't answer the door because I felt paralyzed by one of those grief stricken waves of emotion. 

Thank you both so much for listening and responding. Hope our babies got a chance to hang out over that Bridge today...
With Love,

Sierre B. 
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catlover1
My cat had cancer in the spleen earlier this year but passed minutes after waking up after the surgery. I am so sorry for your loss and I feel the same way where I keep thinking that I wish I had not gone out and had spent more time with him over the years. I also treated him really well and shared my meals with him (he was a cat but acted more like a dog) but still wish it was not so sudden and that I had spent more time instead of doing stupid things like being on the computer.
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ForCupcake
catlover1 wrote:
My cat had cancer in the spleen earlier this year but passed minutes after waking up after the surgery. I am so sorry for your loss and I feel the same way where I keep thinking that I wish I had not gone out and had spent more time with him over the years. I also treated him really well and shared my meals with him (he was a cat but acted more like a dog) but still wish it was not so sudden and that I had spent more time instead of doing stupid things like being on the computer.


I am so sorry about your kitty. That's truly awful but you can't beat yourself up because you were trying to better the quality of his life by choosing surgery and that counts for a lot. Apparently, cancer of the spleen is common in dogs but more rare in cats (learned all of this today), nevertheless I completely understand your pain. I think that feeling of regret is really what hurts the most. The shoulda woulda coulda's, you know? I absolutely adore my ex bf's cat, Miracle, who acts like a dog. I share my meals with her as well. Dealing with this sudden death is truly unbearable so I know exactly how you feel.
With Love,

Sierre B. 
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shinjaejun
I'm so sorry for your loss. Cupcake looked like such a sweet adorable dog.
I lost my Zoey a jack russel terrier on monday. Its been a rough week. Like your Cupcake, she had tumors and passed very suddenly, so I share in your pain and grief.
Sending much love and hugs to you~ 
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ForCupcake
shinjaejun wrote:
I'm so sorry for your loss. Cupcake looked like such a sweet adorable dog.
I lost my Zoey a jack russel terrier on monday. Its been a rough week. Like your Cupcake, she had tumors and passed very suddenly, so I share in your pain and grief.
Sending much love and hugs to you~ 


shinjaejun, thank you so much and I am so sorry about Zoey.

I just read the amazing story of her life in your Rat Dog post. First of all, you are a fantastic writer/storyteller! You had me fixated on reading about the hilariously sentimental moments you shared with her. The peanut butter mouse-trap bit made me laugh, which felt good. Thank you. Cupcake, like Zoey, always picked out her favorite pieces of kibble and would get pissed if I didn't refill her bowl with "the good stuff" fast enough. Sounded like Zoey had a great life, full of love from you and your daughter. Thank you for understanding my pain. 

Ahh my eyes are swollen shut still from crying and they feel sooooooo tired. I feel like I am going to get at least an hour or two of sleep, which I will welcome with gratitude, even if it's sad, tearful sleep. So I am going to attempt to do so now.

Just want to thank you, and everyone else, who sent me kind words today. Just want to say I am sorry for all of the pain we are all feeling and I hope all of our pets are having fun together...right now. May we all find comfort in that hope...

With Love,

Sierre B. 
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