I've been scouring the internet on how to make this easier to handle- grief has me exhausted, but I guess there's no real way through it except to feel it? I hate it. I hate that grief is so demanding.

My 3-yo female orange tabby passed away out of the blue on Friday afternoon. No signs of illness or injury. My family found her laying in my room, already gone. She was a happy, healthy, bouncy little thing with so much life ahead of her. She loved everyone (I always called her "aggressively affectionate" because she demanded the utmost love and attention.)

Because of the suddenness, I took her to a pathologist on Saturday. I should get preliminary results this afternoon from the autopsy.

I suspect it may have been a UTI that went undiagnosed (if she was symptomatic, it flew right under our noses.) I can't say anything for certain of course, that's just my gut.

I'm grieving but adjusting. What absolutely kills me, what devastates me, is that she was only 3 and had so many more years ahead of her, and they were stolen from her. She didn't deserve this. My sweet baby didn't deserve to live three short years on this earth. I wasn't ready to say goodbye to her. It wasn't supposed to end like this, so quickly. I just don't understand and I can't accept that this is really it, that she'll never lay on my feet in bed again or chirp at me from the kitchen counter.

And then if it was a UTI, what if she was in pain in her final moments? What if she was so scared? I should have been there for her. I should have paid more attention, noticed something was off. I should have made sure she was drinking enough and using the litterbox normally.

I'm not suicidal but I understand now when people say they want to die upon the loss of their pet. I don't know if I'll see her again some day- I don't know if there's a heaven where me & her both exist- and that uncertainty is enough to drive me crazy. I don't know how to keep going after this. I don't know how long this grief is going to last and it's poisoned every minute of every day, making me totally unable to function.

I can't stop wondering if she was in pain. 

I can't stop wondering that maybe if I took her odd behavior more seriously (two urinary accidents the day of, which wasn't a new issue with her) I could have prevented this.

She had past behavioral issues with peeing outside the litterbox & physical issues were ruled out, which is why I didn't take it seriously when she peed in the house that morning. I thought it was behavioral. I thought it was just stress. I had no idea it could have meant anything different.

The thought of getting a memorial for her is too painful- I don't want the physical reminder of her finality. I have another cat I've been snuggling furiously in the meantime. I'll be getting her ashes back in a week or so. I didn't really want to, but her final resting place belongs with me no matter what. 

Remembering the happy times is still too raw and emotional. I can't bring myself to talk about her in person to anyone- I start bawling immediately. My poor baby. My poor sweet baby.

Why did it have to end like this. I feel like there's a split timeline now- this nightmare one where she's gone, and literally every other possibility of outcome where she could have been saved. Why is THIS the one I'm living in. 

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I'm so sorry for your loss. 3 is so young! There is no good way around grief. You do have to feel it. Female orange cats are rare. No animal deserves to be sick. It can be hard sometimes to pick up when animals are sick.
I wanted to die when my Maude passed . I guess all we can do is hope to see them again one day. I can talk more if you'd like.
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I am truly sorry for the loss of your fur baby.  And, I agree three years is too young, but, life is a mystery.  I understand the immense pain, the emptiness of the heart, the realization of their absence, the longing for their presence, but most of all their love for their human.  When, Sol, my very special male doggie, said good bye, I could not function, I could not eat, everything looked gray without color, I was numb with pain.  Grief is a tough journey.  Take baby steps.  You are not alone, visit this forum often, write about your precious fur baby.  And remember, your fur baby's love will stay forever secured in your heart.  Hugs
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Timber my cat who I lost 4/23 did have crystal issues all his life. I had to give him special food and oh he wanted mine but no said vet. Not even treats. I once had a gray female who had urinary issues and peed on the floor to show me. Sometimes an animal seems OK and not especially cats. 3 years yes very young. Too much ash in even good quality cat food gave my cats crystals vets said.
So very sorry how you are feeling. I do relate and been depressed myself a lot. I just try to take one day at a time. My dog hates fireworks so been dealing with that. She grew up with 2 cats and 2 dogs who feared them so affects her. She misses her family all gone now.
Take care.
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We lost our Tuffy when he was only 5, also of sudden death, healthy and as happy as a kitten.  The pain is completely indescribable, as though every ounce of my soul was drained in a moment,  when the vet came into the exam room to tell us he didn't make it. It's going on 3 years but the pain is as new as if it was last week. I have no quick fix, it takes time, and even then the pain lingers, the hole left in your heart is forever. Give yourself time to grieve, be angry at the world. 
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