kmayo99
It has been 3 weeks since my Yuki was tragically taken away from me. It makes me so sad because he was taken so soon. He was only 3 1/2. He had a long life ahead of him.
I have had depression, bipolar disorder, and anxiety for 5 years. It wasn’t until January where I found the correct combo of meds. It took 3 years to find the correct medications. I lost count of how many I took because at the time, my old psychiatrist just kept prescribing different meds. I’ve endured so many horrible side effects. I found a new, better psychiatrist. She helped me a lot and When We found the correct medications combo, I was genuinely happy until July. I just started getting sad again. My “friends” stopped talking to me and basically told me they’ve forgotten about me. I lost my friends even though I didn’t do anything. I was also stressed because I was starting at a new college. And now I lost my baby boy Yuki. He was only 3 1/2. My parents adopted him after I was discharged from the hospital (I was hospitalized for a few weeks due to my mental health). He was like my therapy dog. He was always there for me even when my so called friends weren’t. He was there whenever I had bad episodes of depression and bipolar. He’s gone now and i don’t know what to do. Back to the medications, I don’t want to find new ones because it took so long to find the correct ones. I don’t want to go through side effects again. I finished my 1st week at my new college and I really like it there. But Yuki is always on my mind even during my classes. I find it hard to focus. Its hard. I cry every night because of how much I miss yuki. I’m too depressed to even do my homework. I was already falling back into my depression towards the end of summer but losing yuki made me even more depressed. It’s so hard thinking that just a few weeks ago he was still with me. On my Snapchat and Facebook memories, most of them have been about yuki and it makes me even more sad. I miss him so much.
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Memories_of_Marmalade

My Dear Katrina,

I am so, so sorry for what you are still coping with grief-wise. We know how young your beloved Yuki was when he departed and how especially devastating that was for you as well as your family.

I wanted to commend you for your great honesty in your posts and comments and for sharing some of your story with all of us. Especially this post above. which discusses your battle with depression and anxiety. It took great courage for you do do so and I found it very inspiring to read.

As I've written before here on the forum, I too lost my friends (as well as my family unfortunately) and that is why my cat "Marmalade" meant even more to me. He became my best friend, if not my only real friend. As he never turned his back on me, abandoned me, lied to me or betrayed me.

I haven't shared this story yet, but I was 5150'd (committed) for suicide watch in a hospital back in New Mexico before Marmalade and I "hit the road" for 3 1/2 months on the way to Los Angeles. It is a sad but very interesting and funny story, as I was being forced to surrender Marmalade to a cat rescue ranch in New Mexico, until I got the bright idea to pretend he was a CESA ( "Certified Emotional Support Animal.") I was able to successfully pass a questionnaire test with an armed guard and two nurses present, so they allowed Marmalade to stay with me in the hospital, which he seemed to thoroughly enjoy, as they served us turkey sandwiches during our stay.

As you know I too have been testing different medications for my severe depression and anxiety recently (I also experienced side effects), so I can totally relate to what you have experienced and endured and my heart goes with you. I remain committed (pun intended!) to continue to try and find the right medication(s), no matter how long it takes to do so.

I am so happy for you that you sound like you are enjoying your first week at your new college. That is excellent news! Especially considering the obstacles you have courageously and bravely faced and largely overcome, and your facing the recent and devastating loss of your Yuki.

Please try and be gentle with yourself sweetie. Each minute, each hour, each day, each night and each week and month that you survive, your mind and body continues to heal. You know this. Just try and replace your negative thoughts with positive thoughts each time the negative ones surface. Meditation also helps. Guided (narrated) medication on healing. Youtube.com has many available to view for free.

Thanks for checking in with us and letting us know how you are doing. Yuki is still always with you in spirit and we are all with you in comradeship.

My kindest regards as always,
James
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kmayo99
James, thank you for your kind, sincere words. I cannot thank you enough. I love reading your advice to me and what you post in regards of Marmalade. You are a very strong, inspiring person. I am happy to have met you through this forum.
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Jasmines_Mom
I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your baby Yuki.  There are no words I can say to take away or lessen your pain.  I wish there were.  Just know you aren't alone.  I'm sure Yuki knew how much you loved him and one day you will be able to look back on your memories and smile.  

I lost my baby Jasmine and my heart is also broken.  Right now I struggle with my memories.  I'm afraid to lose them but I can't stand to think of them.  Every day is like an eternity without her. 

Just take care of yourself the best you can and know that you gave your baby the best life possible. 

"What we once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love deeply becomes part of us."  - Helen Keller


I miss you every minute of every day, my sweet baby Jasmine.
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Memories_of_Marmalade

Dear Jasmines_mom,

You wrote:

"Right now I struggle with my memories.  I'm afraid to lose them but I can't stand to think of them."

Very poignant words and observation. I think this is one of the most difficult aspects of what we are all experiencing. From what our Pet Grief Veterans have written on this forum, they say that it gets easier to remember and reflect upon our lost "Spirit Animals." I sincerely hope this is the case.

All best,
James
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kmayo99
Jasmines_mom, thank you for your kind words. I completely relate with struggling with the memories of our beloved fur baby. Like you said, I’m afraid to lose them but I can’t think of them either. I’m so sorry for your loss. I know time will heal us both. Take care of yourself
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Jasmines_Mom
James and kmayo99,

I've started a journal and when a memory pops up I write it down and then I put it out of my mind because it's too painful to dwell on.  I'm hoping this will help me save my memories and that one day I will be able to go back and read them.  I've written I miss you and I love you about a million times though...so reading these in the future may just end up bringing back the hurt.  Right now this is the only thing I can think of to do though.  I just miss her so much.  I have so many pictures and videos but it's too hard to look at them right now.
I miss you every minute of every day, my sweet baby Jasmine.
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Memories_of_Marmalade


Yes, I write down memories of my cat Marmalade too. Sometimes they are just a sentence and sometimes they are more in-depth. Like the 2 short stories I wrote and posted and shared here on the forum. It helps me to remember.

* One day I was taking a walk with Marmalade (he was more like a dog then a cat in that way), and a Monarch butterfly landed on the top of his head and just sat there flapping its wings. And he just totally ignored it and kept walking and I asked him "What's going on with that Butterfly Doc (a nickname)?" and he just kept on walking with this butterfly perched upon his head. Lol.

* Once Marmalade's tongue was left sticking out of his mouth as he was sitting on my lap. I started to laugh and he saw me laughing so proceeded to come closer and closer and closer to my face (which he never did) until he was literally eye to eye with me with his tongue sticking out, almost on purpose to see how much he could make me laugh and smile. : )

* Marmalade wanted to stay close to me when I was working in our warehouse where we resided. Which is a functioning warehouse with my partner. I have been re-organizing and cleaning it etc. And I was moving a giant pole, it must have been 23 feet in length and was made of metal. I was always concerned about Marmalade being injured when I was moving things around. So he comes to where I am working and moving this giant pole, and I gently and slowly lowered it down to him to try and show him how large and imposing it was and to please back away, and he just walked closer to the end of the pole as I held it, leaned in and smelled the end point of the giant pole. It was just ridiculous. It was as if he thought I was trying to show the giant pole to him and share the experience with him or something. Lol.

All these silly little memories, that only mean something to me, but I want to remember them. 
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