Cortlove21
Nimbus was my best friend I shared so much with him that my house now feels like an empty shell. It's only been 3 days since he's been released and I'm suffering deep down for his loss. I try to be strong and stop crying but every room holds memories that come flooding back.

It all started last July when he started getting sick a couple times a day and stopped eating. So I looked in his mouth and saw an infected tooth. I took him to the vet thinking he had an infected tooth to be pulled and left with the news he had kidney disease instead. I was devastated. My husband and I then changed around our lives to help him with this disease. Everyday we gave him fluids through IV and powder medication with his meals twice a day. He went from my handsome fat cat to a small skin and bones cat.
I tried so hard to keep him fed any chance I could. He ate like crazy but never gained anything back.

Nimbus had his good days and his bad. On his good days we could play with him and love on him. On his bad days he just wanted to be held and soothed. I held him the majority of the time than not but I didn't mind. He just wanted his mom.
He since then had regular check ups at the vet and every time before we left the vet would always tell me, you need to start considering putting him down or preparing for it. After every time I left I cried in the car on the way home. Only half of any kind of kitty can survive this, mine just happens to be in the lesser percent that didn't survive.

The last seven months I noticed he liked to sleep in my closet when he wasn't feeling good. So I made him a nice fluffy bed for him to cuddle into. He was always cold and shivering so I bought him little sweaters. Before he would of hated them but these ones he loved. Not long after that I noticed he wasn't coming out of the bed unless we went and got him. He was starting to scare me. I would pick him up and he would be wet. I would have to bath him and wash his blanket. It would last a few days then he would be ok again. He did soil all over the house but we did our best to stay on top of it. We bought more litter boxes different kind of litters for him to try and had him on a special kidney food diet. We did everything the vet had suggested.

It was hard for me to come to terms with what was happening because he was my baby. I don't have any children of my own yet and I had him for over 10 years.

Nimbus was a one of a kind. He was trained to me and listened to his name which is special for a cat. He had character and I wouldn't have changed him for the world.
He was my book/reading partner, and bed time cuddler.

The last six days of his life I knew something was wrong. He was slower and un responsive when I talked to him. Like he just couldn't hear me. At first I thought he was being mean but by the last day with him I knew deep down time was running out.

I came home from work that last day and it wasn't to hot out so I took him out back with me to let him get some fresh air and walk around. He loved to go outside, but he walked around for a couple mins and went back toward the house. That was not like him. So I took him back in and held him until I had to go get dinner. When I returned home he was laying by his food dish and I noticed he threw up. I called him to me he started walking and stubbling. I was scared but didn't know what was happening at the same time. I laid a couple treats in front of him cause he would never turn those down and he just let out the most painful meow I've ever heard out of him and spaced out.
He didn't touch the treats. I looked at my husband and just started to cry, I knew. I just knew that was it. I picked him up and it was like he was unconscious didn't move, didn't look around, nothing but dead weight in my arms. Then he would come back to me for a min or two to look around and see what was going on then he was gone again.
We called our 24/7 animal hospital they said to bring him in. When we got there he wasn't even coming back to us very much. I got him to come back to me once before we released him.

The doc said the toxins in his body that could not be filtered through his kidneys made its way up to his brain. That he was suffering and in pain. I could hardly believe that I left him in pain for almost a week. I beat myself up for not taking him in sooner. His appointment was two days away.

Words can't describe that night. It was my first time ever experiencing this and I all about lost my mind. We were able to take our time with him. I told him how much he meant to me and that I loved him so dearly. I had felt like I was making the wrong choice that there was something else we could have done to save him. I couldn't get the vet to tell me I was making the right decision. The only way I went through with it is my husband telling me he will no longer be in pain. He was completely unresponsive by this time and I couldn't handle the suffering I was causing him so I told the vet I was ready.

I held his head in my hands and then said goodbye my sweet baby boy.
As it was happening the blue in his eyes faded to black and I lost it.. I have been losing it ever since.

Everyone says get another pet asap it will help heal the pain but the dedication and love I had seems so dim right now it honestly wouldn't be fair to another animal to not get my whole heart.

So as it stands right now my house is lonely without his meows and with my husband working opposit schedule as me. I feel very alone in mourning the only child Ive ever had. I'm just very glad and thankful I had him as long as I did and took so many pictures of us both together. So I now have something to remind me he was real and was happy when he was here.

I LOVE YOU NIMBUS ❤️
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Jax84
Nimbus KNEW you loved him. He knew it. He knows you did everything you could to hold on to him. It might take you a long time to forgive yourself but just remember that everything you did was for Nimbus and you did EVERYTHING! I've read and watched a whole lot of animal afterlife stuff recently to help me with my own debilitating grief at losing my beloved three year old cat to a car accident last week...and my newfound belief is that animals (their energy) leave their bodies before they pass. When you say he was unresponsive it reminded me of that. Nimbus loved you and trusted you and stayed with you til the very end. That love and bonding won't die <3 Grieve as hard as you need to...every tear is like a love letter to our animals.
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Cortlove21
Thank you for your kind words. I will look at my tears as you say and hope the pain will subside over time. I'm sorry to hear about your kitty as well. Any loss is a major one.
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NormaT
Dear Cortlove 21,

So sorry for the loss of you kitty.
Regret and could have, should have's are so common here. The truth is though we do what feels best at the time and that is all we can do. Your Kitty will know this and know you did your very best to help him over the past 9 months.
In my experience vets rarely give an absolute opinion on anything (probably to avoid being sued) but by not objecting to your decision I think they were agreeing that the time to let him go was right.
Sending you a virtual hug.
Norma
Norma 
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johill2011
Dear Cortlove 21,
I am so so sorry for your loss.  The tears are falling again as I read your story about Nimbus as it brings it all back to me.  I lost Miz cat 4 months ago and everything you talk about I can really relate to as my baby boy had kidney disease too.  I understand how heartbreaking it is seeing your beautiful baby gradually leaving you.  I think I was in denial with Miz as he was my baby (I don't have any children) and I couldn't let him go.  I knew the day had come though when he stopped eating, had no strength and no interest in life, he couldn't even meow anymore and that broke my heart.  I know at the moment you feel absolutely devastated, please know that over time it does get easier but you need to grief and allow yourself to do this in your own time.  You loved Nimbus and cared for him so well, he knew that, he knew that his mum loved him (and stillo does) so much.  I still miss Miz and I have days when I'm ok and feel 'normal' and days when I cry all the time.  I'll never have another cat as special as Miz.  Take one day at a time, eventually you will start to think about all the good times you shared together and the things that Nimbus did to make you laugh/smile.  Sending you a big hug.
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jimmy17
I am so very sorry for your loss.  Nimbus sounds such a very special cat who was so obviously loved and cared for.  The way you describe your feelings right now are so familiar to most of us on this site, the grief and guilt all get so mixed up in our minds during the first few days. There is always that question of `What if ? `, when deep down we know we did everything humanly possible for our little friends.  Like you, we don`t have children and when we had to have our 17 year old dog Jim put to sleep just over 14 weeks ago I thought I would never ever get over his loss, he was our baby , and he was gone.     All I can say is that it slowly gets better, there are good and bad days, I still cry a lot, but I know how lucky we were to have shared our lives with him for so long. All the tears we cry for them is testimony to how loved they were, Nimbus knows you thought the world of him and at least you were with him at the very end, which would have brought him comfort. 
             Sending you hugs, Jackie.
J Taylor
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JerseyNonna
cortlove, i'm so sorry to read of your loss of your dearly loved nimbus.  please know that our loved companions do not see us in any light other than complete love and they never think "hey i'm not being treated right" as we humans do.  all they see and sense is our complete and total love for them, the care they are getting, the warmth they receive from us and ok so the occasional treat and petting too.  you are so recent into your loss and each and every one of us have experienced those first few days after.  myself, I spent those days in almost a zombie fog where my body was just moving as a sense of routine rather than with any purpose because I had none after losing my service dog roxie.  please do not worry about the crying either because it does cleanse our souls and heart to where we can look into the place in our heart where our loved friends placed their love for us before they crossed the bridge so we could keep it safe and remember them with love - don't worry, nimbus took the love you gave to him stored in his heart with him for his safekeeping and remembering until you are reunited one day.  he has only left you physically while he is still with you in spirit so if you sense him, feel him, see a shadow where he would have gone in your house please know it is nimbus trying to ease your pain a bit by letting you know he is still with you in whatever way he can be right now.  hon, I know you are hurting cause I feel emotions through the posts vividly and while I can tell you the pain eases eventually it never quite leaves us altogether.  roxie passed the evening after Christmas this past year and while I now have ok to good days (only due to the fact that i'm stubborn and intend to honor all the good she helped me achieve in walking again without the crutches I had to use), there are still days when I cry at the drop of a dime thinking of her and trying to wish her back to me.  missing her comes and goes much like the tides that sometimes come gently with only a ripple to huge tsunami waves that knock me right back to night one.  as for getting another, you will sense when the time is right for you and nimbus will most likely lead you to the new one.  sending you many many hugs and we are all here for you
JerseyNonna
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Evie123
Cortlove, I am so sorry for your loss of beautiful Nimbus. Having to say farewell to our special babies is just too hard and heartbreaking. I am mourning terribly for my beloved dog Molly and know the pain you are going through. We lost Murphy, our first cat, and I was so upset I went to a shelter and brought 2 home with me! I found it did help to cuddle then and fill the emptiness but I should have waited a bit longer. Please don't feel guilty, a natural feeling when grieving I know, because we can't read their minds unfortunately and our babies are so stoic they don't show us any pain they may be in. Nimble knows how much you love him sweetheart, you were the best mum he could wish for as you were devoted to him. I know nothing anyone can say or do can help bring comfort but we all on here care about you and understand so please keep sharing. Sending you huge hugs and love, as Nimble will be. Xxxxxx
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Sadiesmom061308
I am so sorry for your loss of nimbus. I know exactly what you are talking about as I had to put my 7 and a half year old soft coated wheaten terrier down . She was in kidney failure. She was taking pills. I was giving her sub q fluids daily. She was diagnosed in June of 2014. I had to put her down feb 18th of this year. It was the most excruciating decision my family has ever had to make. She was my love. I am a breast cancer survivor and she had a lot to do with that. Our lives will never be the same. This forum has been my lifesaver. I could not have made it without all the wonderful people here. We all loved our babies very much. I wish you peace. Sending you hugs. Talk often on the site. You are not alone.
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Cortlove21
Thank you to each and everyone of you for writing it means a lot to read that I'm not alone. All of your stories made me tear up to know why we are each here. The support is great to have. Today was difficult because I can't believe it's been 7 days since I last said goodbye to my baby boy Nimbus. I've thrown myself into work but I stopped doing the things I love like reading (for what we used to do together every night) and sitting outside just enjoy fresh air. I know it takes time but I've been stuck in zombie mode like jerseynonna said above. I made an album on my phone of pictures of just him and I look at them everyday. I almost feel like none of this is real. Like at any moment it's gonna hit me that it is real all over again. I've stopped crying but I feel nothing. I know some think I'm nuts that I cared for him as much as I did and how much of an impact he had on my life but I'm glad on this site it's ok to feel like I've lost an arm.
A friend told me to talk to him so I have been. Just small things like before I left for work every morning I would tell him to be a good boy so I've said that to an empty house a couple of times this week. Only twice have I felt like he's around. When I'm in bed I feel like he's jumped up to join me like he always did. First was the morning after. I took a sleeping pill and was out. That first night I didn't wake up to my husband leaving for work, I didn't wake up when my sis came to lay down with me so I wouldn't wake up alone. I only woke that morning cause I felt him jump on the bed. So I thought he was really there. The second time was tonight. He loved plastic the sound of it or wrappers just the sound and the way it crunched when he bit down on it. He never ate it just wanted to hear that noise. I opened a wrapper when I sat on the bed and I felt a jump on the bed. Makes me miss him so much over the little things like that I won't get to experience again.
I also had another friend tell me I need to let him go. To tell him it's ok to go. That's its not fair to keep his ghost around. I don't know if I believe that but I know some do. I guess I just don't feel like I'm keeping him here. She said she kept her cats ghost around for ten years and that she sat down to say her final goodbye and she hasn't felt him since. That was a couple months ago but that's the thing (makes me a little upset) she had ten years before she finally decided to say goodbye I didn't even have a week. I felt like it wasn't fair for her to say that at this point in time. Made me feel frustrated and sad that I could be holding him back from crossing over. So as you can see it's still a lot of ups and downs of an emotional roller coaster but I'm still living and breathing so I'm trying not to quit life.
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diamond1
I know exactly how you feel I lost my best friend Max puss on Thursday from kidney failure.It was very quick he was 15 and half years old I had noticed little changes in him since Xmas but put them down to old age.He began to go off his food about 2 weeks ago started drinking more but stopped eating on Sunday went to Vets on Wednesday she could not believe the change in him since his check up in February she gave him antibiotic and antiinflammatory shots and took bloods.

He was very lethargic and slept on my bed I left him wrapped up in a jumper of mine to go to work on the way home I received a text from my daughter was I on my way? Guess I knew he'd gone then app she called in to see him gave him a cuddle and he gave a sigh and went I'm so glad he wasn't alone.

He was always very independent gave cuddles etc on his own terms was an active outside cat no litter trays for me! I'm glad he chose his own time to go in my room and he spared me the heartbreaking choice

I cant begin to say how much I miss him he has been a constant companion seen me thru some trying times helped me when I was suffering depression after I became an empty nester! You have left a massive hole in my home and my life Miss you so much
Thank you for being my best friend love and miss you loads Maxi P


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Sasha
So sorry for your loss and I understand how you feel. I lost my 3 yr old cat Ollie on Feb 20th after a short illness and it devastated me. Some days I think I'm doing ok and can feel happy at the good memories of Ollie but then I have days like today when I just cry and feel guilty that i didn't notice he was sick earlier and do more for him . Even though I know I couldn't do any more when you're having a bad day nothing you did will ever be enough. I'm sure Ollie and Nimbus know how much they were loved and I hope they're both healthy and happy over the bridge . I adopted a new kitten 2 wks ago and it does help a little but for the first few days I felt guilty for trying to replace Ollie but I think he would be ok with this and he would have loved her if he was here. Sending hugs
Annette
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