It will be 20 weeks this Thursday since I last held my Chas in my arms and said goodbye.  Some days it is a vivid memory that still brings such grief and pain.   Most days I cope and have happy memories of him that bring an instant smile to my face.  I still talk to him out of nowhere when I'm in the house.  Still so empty without him.  I wish I could hold him and kiss him.  Every time I see a beagle, whether it's walking down the street or on TV or in a magazine I feel such a pang in my heart at first.  Then my heart warms and I smile.  I think that warm feeling is him filling my heart with his memory and his love.  This holiday season will be the first without him.  Especially putting up the Christmas tree.  We would sort the branches out and put them on the floor until I needed them.  Before I knew it he would be rolling on top of them and making a nest to sleep on.  Or the time he jumped on the kid's sled and went down the hill before they could.  I'll never forget it.  He was such a character.  It will be hard without him but we have many, many memories to make us smile.  He was my shadow for 17 years.  My first baby.  20 weeks ago I lost a piece of my heart.  There is still a hole that will remain until we are together again.  I know he is in a better place and that he is no longer in pain or suffering.  I gave him the greatest gift I had.  He had my love from day one until I let him go.  It still hurts and I'm still fighting with the guilt for having to make that choice but now, most days I win the fight. 

Thinking about you always Chassy.  I miss you every single day.  I love you so very much.  It's been a while since you sent a sign.  Please send me one.   Mommy is throwing you kisses angel.  Catch them!
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Oh, ChasMom, so glad to see you are healing and doing OK!  Yes, I think the holidays will be difficult for all of us but we will make it through.  What a delight Chas was!  I know we all miss how they made us laugh.  I still miss Scottie too....I'm beginning to think that part never goes away, but that's OK,  I  like keeping him close in my heart.  I surely hope you get that sign you are asking for!  Wonderful to read your post.
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Chas looks like a very sweet boy!  You mentioned that you loved him from day one...until you let him go.  Not true...your love never left...I believe that our love for our lost babies...becomes more spiritual!  They still receive our love because we send our physical feelings to them spiritually.  Have you not felt Chas, even though he is no longer there.  I sometimes feel Sammy.  To me it is a feeling of warmth and calmness, amidst our daily madness.  Signs can be slight in nature.  Oftentimes...we are so absorbed in our surroundings that we miss them.  In a quiet moment...really observe.  Shut off all the daily distractions and really observe.  Sammy passed on his own terms, at home...peacefully.  Our first baby Aja, did not.  If you have seen Marley and me...that was essentially how Aja left.  In the movie...Marley suffered tortioned stomach and had the surgery, only to pass weeks later.  With Aja, it took all of three hours.  He was 12, and the guarantee of any surgery working for him was almost 0.  He was in extreme pain and in a matter of hours, it was over.  I have to tell you that he was caught by as much surprise as we were.  For weeks after he was gone, as GOD is my witness, I would see "White flashes across the room"  Aja was a pure white Samoyed.  We had a house guest stay with us and remarked (a week after Aja passed), that she heard him panting next to her bed in the guest room.   One other person claimed to have experienced him as well.  Signs from the babies are different all the time.

Not all signs are as "obvious"  Chas had a GREAT life and lived to a very nice age.  As we get older...think of what we accept.  Our babies are not much different.  Chas probably understood the circumstances and accepted them gracefully.  He knows how much you loved him and how much you hurt in his absence.  I believe that he will leave constant, little signs.  In moments when you can sit back and totally relax...feel him.  Let him come to you.  He will.

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Chasmom.....your words say what we all feel. and for alot of us.this first christmas will be very hard. Maddie made Christmas for me, I think we all will need alot of support from each other at that time. Thanks for sharing about Chas..Txgal put this poem on my page, I hope it helps
The Last Battle

If it should be that I grow frail and weak
And pain should keep me from my sleep,
Then will you do what must be done,
For this -- the Last Battle -- can't be won.

You will be sad I understand,
But don't let grief then stay your hand,
For on this day, more than the rest,
Your love and friendship must stand the test.

We have had so many happy years,
Through happiness, laughter, sadness and tears.
You wouldn't want me to suffer so.
When the time comes, please, just let me go.

Take me to where to my needs they'll tend,
Only, stay with me till the end
And hold me firm and speak to me
Until my eyes no longer see.

I know in time you will agree
It is a kindness you do to me.
Although my tail its last has waved,
From pain and suffering I have been saved.

Don't grieve that it must be you
Who has to decide this thing to do;
We've been so close -- we two -- these years,
Don't let your heart hold any tears. 

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I appreciate the comforting words.  I'm so sorry for everyone's losses as well.  It is a very tough time of the year.  Since Thanksgiving is this week I give thanks to you all.  Donna, your words cheered me, thank you.  It was nice to see your name on my post.  It's been a while.  SammysDad, thank you for your kind thoughts and advice.  I will definitely try to "feel" him.  I'm sorry for your loss of Sammy and Aja.  What wonderful signs they have given you!  Judylinn, thank you for posting the beautiful poem.  It brought tears to my eyes but they were good and healing tears.  You're right, this first Christmas will be very, very hard.  I'm sure all of our babies are going to have a Thanksgiving feast at the bridge.  Oh to see such a sight!  Sending blessings to you all.  Have a wonderful Thanksgiving, with wonderful, warm and fuzzy memories.

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