Momtozeus
My little boy Zeus is gone 2 weeks tomorrow and I am missing him so much. He was like my child.. A 9 lb yorkie that my husband surprised me with 10 1/2 years ago. I fell in love with him the second I held his little body in my hands. He was the runt of the litter and had the sweetest disposition, everyone who met him loved him. I loved being his mommy , training him as a puppy, taking him out with me, traveling to Florida every winter , playing hide and seek, bathing him and best of all snuggling with him on the couch.
This past May he wasn’t acting himself, was more quiet, wasn’t playing as much, I could tell something wasn’t right so we went to our vet and had an exam and bloodwork and all came back normal. We figured he was just getting older and slowing down, but we were keeping an eye on him. At the end of May he had 2 little episodes , he was sitting looking at me and then slowly tipped over and when I ran over to him he got up and then walked , unsteadily, around the kitchen for about 15 minutes and seemed ok. I called the vet and he said it could’ve been a seizure of some kind , to stay with him that day , watch him and try to get it on video if it happened again. He was perfectly fine the rest of the day but 2 days later it happened again. I brought him to the vet and we were trying to come up with a plan .. bloodwork was fine, vitals were fine, they said either seizure or stroke but only way to have a more clear picture would be an mri. I made the decision to bring him to a neurologist and had an appt the following week and on the Sunday before my boy had a grand mal seizure. We were so terrified as it was happening, you have no control and can only make sure they don’t hurt themselves for its duration. We went to the neurologist and she was wonderful and our plan was to start him on anti-seizure meds as well as blood thinners to treat and prevent more episodes . I took my boy home and we started the regimen of drugs and he was seizure free and doing well for about 14 days and then I started to notice a decline in him. He didn’t want to eat in the morning, he followed me everywhere if he wasn’t sleeping - I stayed home with him day and night since May, i was too afraid to leave him alone and wanted him to feel safe with me there. I only ran out to the stores quick when my husband came home from work. I called the neurologist and made an appt for an mri so we could hopefully get an answer as to what was wrong with him and if we could fix it. I knew in my heart that something really bad was going on, my baby was not ok. 3 days before the mri Zeus was sitting on my lap and looked right in my eyes and started to lick my face , which he never did, for about 5 minutes. I was so surprised and was loving it but at the time didn’t realize that my boy was saying goodbye to me .
I held him up until the minute he went in for the mri , talking, singing,telling him how much I loved him,wrapped him in his favorite blanket, cried on him and rocked him. The Dr came out and told me and showed me that Zeus had a massive tumor on his brain, with a lot of swelling and another mass at the top of his spine. I went hysterical and after the Dr sat with me and explained everything to me and made sure I understood I made the decision to help Zeus cross over the Rainbow Bridge. I held him and pet him and whispered in his ear , my tears fell on his little head, I was there with him as he took his final breath and he knew Mommy was there.
I know I did the right thing for Zeus but I am still feeling so bad, questioning myself , is he ok, is he mad at me, .. all those scary thoughts. I am so heartbroken I don’t know what to do with myself without my boy. thanks for listening.... Michelle , Zeus’s mommy.
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Pompey
Hi,
just want you to know that you’re not alone,My little mini daxie crossed rainbow bridge on the 13th of this month,We too had to help her and I feel exactly as you’ve described.
Who knew that it would ever hurt this much?
She also had a cancerous tumour that was aggressive and gone through her skull and into her brain.

If you want to chat anytime, please contact me,We may be able to help each other?
This forum is good, it’s nice to be in a place where everyone understands what you’re going through as a lot of people just don’t get it.
Sending you lots of love
Hayley.xx
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Momtozeus
Thank you Hayley and I’m sorry for your loss as well.
You are right, I am grateful that I found this forum, people really aren’t understanding my level of grief and I have a hard time talking about it with them.
I added Zeus to the candlelight service tonight and I’m hoping it helps a little.
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kibylove
When I saw "2 weeks"  I read your story as I was in the same boat 2 weeks ago as well.  It is strange that as I was crying so many tears, so was someone else.  I had to let my Kirby go after a long a devastating illness that took to the life out of my dog.  I miss him terribly and keep feeling like maybe I should have given him more time.  It is so hard.  Im sorry for your loss.

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Memories_of_Marmalade


Dear Michelle (aka MomtoZues),

I am so, so sorry and saddened to learn of your loss. I too recently lost my boy, an orange and white tabby cat named "Marmalade." It was believed that he had a stroke when on the operating table for an ear canal surgery, which he had required, due to an injury to his left ear, that he received during a Tom-Cat fight while defending his girlfriend cat "Star", from the neighborhood bully cat "Blackie."

Marmalade's left eye was left in a permanent squint, his left set of whiskers were lifeless (which he needed for his senses as he was almost completely deaf) and he had severe damage to his balance. He fell down when I pet him. : (  His blood work showed a high Liver count but did not show cancer. I think he also had a brain tumor which was undiagnosed. His head would twitch and he would stare off into space. He could not eat or drink in the end either and one of his teeth fell out onto his plate and he growled. 

Towards the end, I gently leaned my head into him and he reached back and gently kissed my temple 3 times as if to say "Goodbye" to me. Like your Zeus, Marmalade had never, not ever done that to me before. It was like he knew he would be departing soon. Those kisses are now a cherished memory of mine, but they make me cry. : *** I   

I chose to put him to sleep 11 weeks ago this Thursday in order to end his pain & suffering. And I made a bargain to then take his pain & suffering onto myself. To absorb it. To process it through my grief. To transform it. I just keep traveling through time, counting the days and weeks and months. Hoping that I somehow make it through all of this.

My entire World is shattered. My heart is broken into a million pieces. He was my best friend, my son, my brother, my comrade in arms, my only remaining family, my love and my light. We had a secret mutual admiration society of just he and I. He saved my life countless times over the 4.2 years that I knew him.

Many of us here have found this is the only place that we can talk about our true feelings, the level of our grief, our guilt, our regret, our sadness and our sorrow. Welcome here, despite the unfortunate circumstances. 

Kind regards & my sincerest condolences,
James
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Momtozeus
Kibilove I am so sorry for your loss of Kirby. It is the hardest thing ever to let our fur babies go. And harder to watch them suffer with any illness because all we want to do is take care of them and make them happy because of all the love they give us unconditionally. I am sure you took loving care of him and he knew it and is watching over you now. I find comfort in watching all the videos I have and trying to think of the good times and when my Zeus was happy and healthy. Xoxo
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Momtozeus
Thank you James ,
I am so very sorry for your loss. Marmalade sounds like he was a special friend. Like Marmalade, Zeus was also my best friend, my baby boy and it was always him and I against the world. I wake up each day feeling no joy in my heart knowing that he isn’t here with me. And like you, hope I can make it through this.
All my days were based around him. Zeus had been slowly losing his eyesight over the past 3 years as well, from a degenerative eye disease, and he was slightly anxious over that but basically dealt with it well overall. I on the other hand was so upset for him and put safety measures throughout my house for him . And never left him for more than a few hours at a time. I never minded , it was just my normal. Now I don’t know what to do with myself.
You reaching out and offering support and sharing your story and your grief means so much and lets me know I am not alone in this. So thank you James. This forum is such a blessing , I am so glad that I found it. The candlelight service was so beautiful last night , so many people showing and sharing their love , its what is needed in the world right now.
Again, condolences on your loss of Marmalade , I’m sure he is watching over you now.
Michelle
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Momtozeus
It’s 16 days now that I lost you Zeus , and iI am still so sad and lonely. I hope you are ok and that you can hear me when I talk to you. Like when I come in and say hi Boo Boo and when I go out and say Mommy’s going to the store and when IIm cooking dinner and say do you want a treat?? I still have your bed, toys and bowl down, I cannot bear to move them. I love you boo and miss you so so much.
Mommy
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