It's been 16 days since Delenn crossed over. I don't cry as much but I miss her like she just left. I go through the pictures I have of her...thankfully I went a little "stupid" on my phone...but I don't know if it helps or hurts more. The dates are a reminder of how recently she was just here and now...she's not.
I have a couple of short videos of boxing with her...thank GOD I have her voice recorded. I was lying in bed last night and I heard meowing coming from the front of house. I jumped out of bed to investigate...but by the time I got to the front room they'd stopped. I wasn't hallucinating...the clock said 12:43 AM. I came back to bed. The wife asked me what was up..."Nothing baby. Go back to sleep." She doesn't want to hear about my grief anymore so I'm keeping it all to myself.
But it's nice to know Delenn is still in the house. It was her house after all. We only pay mortgage on it.
I guess I didn’t realize what an integral part of my life she was. Kind of like waking up one morning and finding yourself missing part of your arm. Maybe that’s hyperbole, I dunno. The daily routines are still there and that’s what kicks me in the gut I guess.
I expect to be tripping over her as I stumble to the kitchen half awake. I come home for lunch and expect to get chewed out for daring to leave an empty food dish. I expect her to join me as I say a prayer each night. And each time I have to remind myself that she’s…not here.
I got her ashes back last week, they’re in a sandlewood box with her name engraved upon a brass plate. There’s a tiny lock on the box. They included, for lack of a better word, a death certificate that with “friend and companion” on it. No truer words. But the real “gift” came from the vet and staff. They made a plaster imprint of her two front paws. Well, needless to say I just lost it when they gave it to me. It was unexpected. And I had been beating myself up about not doing it before and thinking that it was too late…and then there I was holding her paws in my hands.
The pain lessens each day but the wound still bleeds through the scab. Today was one of my more down days for some reason. I haven’t gamed in two weeks…sheesh…Delenn would hang out with me while I was online. It’s very weird now gaming without her. I haven’t been able to, but I keep trying each night.
Dammit I miss her...so freaking much.
Stephen "Riceman" Myers
"The greatest tribute one can give a loved one is to share their life and stories with others."