Hanposs
I've been toying with the idea of reaching out to people who understand the pain that my soul is in after loosing my beautiful girl keishy.

Growing up my life was far from perfect, my mum and dad are divorced and preoccupied with their new families and as the youngest of 4 i had my sisters and brother to look to when life was rough, weird or even confusing.
in the winter of 2004 my oldest sister Brought home the most beautiful, little present in the form of a 3 spotted jack russell terrier and it was love from the moment my eyes locked with her beautiful brown ones.
My sister is the type of person that loves things in shorts bursts and after having her first child, little keishy was basically pushed to the side and lucky for her ( or should i say me?) i was already on that side so she came straight into my loving and caring arms.
for 12.5 years she was mine, she was perfection and she gave me everybit of the love i was craving for so many years of my life.

She would bark so loud that the neighbourhood would know when i was leaving her or coming back home, a constant reminder that i was loved.

6 years ago, my best friend in high school became my boyfriend (now fiance) and brought a beautiful labrador/retriever to the mix and life was perfect. absolutely perfect.
Friends were getting married and having children and we had our girls. Life was perfection.

to say keish and heidi bonded immediately would be a lie, keishy being the most alpha female that you can fit in a 3kg body made heidi work for her love and acceptance but long behold before we knew it they were inseparable and i would just sit back and watch them together, who needed anything more when there was enough love in my home to concur the world.
Then at the start of march my partner and i decided to help more dogs by fostering and helping them find the home that our girls were so lucky to already have.

Thats when everything changed, my little girl was always so weary of new dogs in her home so i thought it was just stress and anger that someone else was getting some love.
Her weight plummeted before my eyes and her spirit was leaving her eyes but i kept telling myself it was stress, always just stress.
Then on the night of 23rd of march 2016 she had problems eating and i knew it was something else, something more sinister and so she was rushed to the vet, her signs weren't good but we were going to fight, fight with everything we can. 
the next day we went and spoke to a specialist who confirmed my worst nightmare, my beautiful baby girl had cancer and she gave us 3 options.
1. Blood transfusion and Chemo
2.Take her home and let her live the rest of her days with us
3.Say goodbye that day.

Being the selfish and ignorant person iam i needed to give the first option a try, you see i was so convinced because she said chemo as the first option that it was the best and it would save her, save my beautiful girl.

The next few days whilst she was in the vet were a blur, i was going there 2-3 times a day and just holding her, telling her selfishly that i wasn't ready to let her go, we had a bond like no other, we communicated in licks, i would ask her a question and she would respond with her slobbery kisses and when i was 15 i remember asking her " Do you promise to always be with me? promise to never make me walk this earth alone again?" and she would give me her usual 3 licks to signify "yes mum"
So holding on to that promise for 10 years i thought our love would outlast everything that told me dogs don't live longer than X amount of years. 
Holding her for hours on end in a sterile place, i would bring her pillow from home, my pillow from home, blankets anything that smelt like her most treasured place to bring her comfort and remind her what she has to go back to.
she was in the vet Sunday through to Thursday and Thursday morning i get the call i've been waiting for all week, i can bring her home. I can bring my baby girl home. I don't think i've ever dressed faster, i got there 1.5 hours earlier than i was supposed to and didn't mind waiting in the waiting room, looking at everyone and their pups smiling because i got to bring my girl home.
The Vet came out and talked to me about all her medication and her new diet and told me it would be harder and she needed more care now and that didn't bother me at all, afterall she was my life so it made me happy knowing i can help her, i stupidly thought i was going to save her too.
Driving home that day was just incredible, i put her on the front seat on her pillow strapped in and the way the sun fell on her face and body was bliss, after all shes been in a vet for days on end and my girl loves lounging in the sun so i found myself just smiling and watching her, taking in every inch of the love of my life. 

Life at home was different, i took time off work because i needed to be there with her, looking back now i guess its because there was a very real, evil voice in my head saying time is running out but i kept pushing that nasty thought as far away as possible.
We had the most amazing easter long weekend, my fiance, my pups life was back to where i wanted and needed it to be.
or so i thought.

March 31st at 3am i woke to my little girl vomiting up blood and knew time wasn't on my side so we rushed her to the emergency vet and all the vet had to do was look at her to see that my little girls light was fading fast.
we waited outside, listening to all the beeps and bops of the machines trying to help, save her.
we get called in and the news i've been dreading for 12.5 years has been laid out for me to see, no more running from it, instead of saving her the chemo was killing her and i had to make the decision and it was the hardest moment of my life because what do i do? how can i say yes to someone taking the light away from my life? How can i just say yes to someone taking my first and true love away from me? 
i remember looking down at her and seeing how hard she was fighting, she was wrapped in her dads towel surrounded by the two people who love her the most in this world and i just knew i had to let go, the vet asked me again " do you give permission etc..." and i gave the fateful nod that would take the light away from my life, the light thats been helping me through some of the hardest times i've ever faced, the light that always knew when i was sad and would sit on my chest and lick my tears away to the point where before i knew it i was laughing at her tickles.
I held her, i told her that i loved her and that there is no greater love out there and that when she gets to heaven she'll meet a wonderful man named "poppy" and he will look after her until im with her again, I told her its okay, you fought long and hard enough, its time to go but please visit me whenever you need, or i meant whenever i needed her.
she gave me one last little look, closed her eyes and just like that 12.5 years of unconditional love, morning cuddles, washing her in the shower with me, being the only one in the world she would let cut her claws, falling asleep on the couch with her sleeping on my chest, waking up in the middle of the night to her clawing my face because she needed to go to the toilet, were all over, all gone and i had to face life without her. How can i do that?

Lifes been incredibly hard without her, heidi her sister is fretting, her dad is broken and shes left such a huge hole in my soul that i dont even know how to help them let alone myself.
People keep saying it gets easier but i  call bull on that, it gets easier to find a distraction when your mind starts creeping towards the heartbreaking thoughts but the ache in your chest, the tears falling from your eyes and the emptiness in my bed and arms are still aching and wondering why she had to leave.
We got her cremated and her front paws cast in silver,  i talk to her little box everyday, i move it around the house with me, she sleeps next to our bed and every morning i put her on favourite spot on the couch, the spot that always got the best morning sun. 

People who see dogs and cats as "just animals" are whats wrong with this world ( well quite alot more too) but i feel very sorry for people who go through life never experiencing the unconditional, unprecedented, unjudging love of a fur baby.
Our animals are our hearts running around outside our bodies, so when we lose them we find ourselves in such a dark hole because you never realise how much light they bring until you are alone,  because when i had keishy i was never alone, not really. But coming home to a silent house, a cold bed and no kisses has really shown me that keish saved me from so many things, including myself. 

I can't believe that my time with her has ended and that instead of looking into her beautiful brown eyes and giving her thousands of kisses, i have to now hold a urn with her inside it and i don't think i'll ever be okay with that.
I just hope she knows how much i love her, forever and always.

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silvermini3
Your story his home with me. There are those that love their pets and those that deeply do. All on this forum deeply love. That's why it's an intense grief we all feel, intense guilt over just about everything (we are so hard on ourselves when really, we go beyond the call of duty with our pets) and intense loss. Cancer with a pet is awful. It's quick, it's overwhelming. Beau went from running off leash to being freed, all within one week. Once I quit running from the diagnosis, I stumbled through his palliative care and decided to free him before the cancer got the worst of him. We did have a quality week, he was very loved and cared for as best as I knew how. But I was given him back from the Vet with 6 or so meds and told to enjoy my time with him as much as possible. I was given some other choices, but opted out, because I didn't want him suffering anymore. I decided against surgery to confirm the diagnosis. I would have lost quality time with him while he recouped. And there was definitely something really wrong with him and he was on the decline. And the tests we did were all leaning toward this cancer. I opted out of chemo, as it was an aggressive and terminal cancer that had already showed it's ugly face and had metatisized to most of his abdominal organs. So I opted for your #2 choice. No regrets on my decision, I just feel that I wasn't given much guidance with caring for him and with what I could expect. So I stumbled through it all, but he appeared o.k. with it. He accepted everything in life. And still loved and gave. I'm sorry for your loss. I get it. All here do. It seems at times the grief won't let up, but it does with time. I wrote a poem for him and read it on the farm he was born on, as some of his ashes were being spread in a spot he used to play in before he became mine. It's called a poem for Beau, if you are interested in reading it. I miss him, he was only nine and I feel we were short suited with time. But I am so glad we chose each other. He was very loved and well cared for in his short time here. I hope one day you begin to heal. And again, I'm sorry.
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GeeAnn
Hanposs, I am so sorry.  My loss is just 17 days old but I lost another dog a few years back that was just as hard.  From experience I know it gets better and I know the second guessing your decisions is normal.  In time, you will know you did the best you could for your sweet and loyal friend and that love will live on.

I am so very sorry for your loss and I do understand your pain.
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winstonsmom12
Hanposs, and Silver,  What beautiful stories about your babies.  Please accept my condolences for your losses.  When my Winston passed, I was totally devastated.  For 2 weeks or so I was immobile.  I prayed daily I wouldn't have a breakdown.  It was Winston and I for 12 great years.  I saw him go downhill fast and i saw the misery in his eyes.

I didn't get an exact diagnosis on him due to lack of money.  I feel very guilty for that. He was throwing up, guzzling water, and had an awful cough.  From some of the posts I read I believe he had more serious problems than I imagined.  In a way I'm glad I didn't get that diagnosis.  I couldn't bear to see him so miserable and suffering.  So I made the decision on 3/2/16.  I did what I thought was best for him.  Your babies were very sick.  You both did the right, humane thing for them. 

None of us ever wants to see the Loves of our Lives suffer.  I think about my Winston everyday and my little Max also.  Everyday gets a tiny bit better.  But know, you both gave your babies the last final gift you could.  The gift of freedom from pain and suffering.  God Bless you both   Sue
Susan
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silvermini3
Thank you Susan. My thoughts are with you too.
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CKMP
Hanposs,

I am so so sorry for your loss of Keishy.  Your story brought tears to my eyes and a sinking feeling in my heart - Your special girl was indeed your special girl.  It is so cruel that our special ones are taken from us - they do indeed mean so much more than many people could ever fathom or begin to see.  And, I too agree that 'time does not heal' - my girl has been gone for two months now - and most days sees tears fall, and a general malaise throughout the home.  My girl's sister still looks for her - and is so much more quiet without her forever friend.  Our special girls are indeed our 'hearts' outside of ourselves - You said it perfectly and I too believe the happiest and most comfortable life I ever had, or probably will ever have was the 4 of us all together.  
A special fur companion comes into our lives at just the right time and saves us from ourselves and others.  One who takes you for who you really are - and allows you to love and be loved without fail, allows you to have a safe place to 'fall', gives you one true friend and one who you can trust with secrets, with life and with your heart.  It doesn't matter so much about the world when you have this special bond.  We are not "selfish" nor "ignorant" nor in any way "evil" in thought - there is no way one could ever see this in You - Your care and love for Keish is so clear through your story - You did everything you thought would be best for her.  You tried, and veterinary medicine is most times no better than human medical sciences - we end up managing symptoms, not curing the disease.  And, maybe at times it is our own fur companions that have to remind us they are not willing to live life this way - their lives are for living and enjoying 'snuffing' adventure after 'snuffing' adventure.  It is our love for them that makes us grasp at any chance, any hope, any belief that we can 'save them' as they have many times before saved us.  The sadness is "we always knew what we had, but never thought we were going to lose them."  
I love each and every dog I have shared my life with deeply and profoundly - no doubt.  But, once in a while I believe we meet our "heart-dog" - that special fur companion that we can speak to without talking and one that just 'knows' us.  That bond I have to believe never breaks - it has woven itself between two hearts so tightly it has to transcend time, space - physical presence.  There is too much I miss about my gone girl as well - and am reminded day after day [as I work from home and she and her sister were always with me] - I carry her 'sweater' from room to room just to hang on to something that was tangibly hers.   I am not sure how we live life without this special companions - I think we just do, somehow and some why work through this - I do believe we probably don't ever live the same way again.  It is so frightening and unnerving to look ahead to the future without them.  Grief, broken hearts and guilt all seem to be the last physical manifestation of our love we can show.  Keishy knows you love her, and is still near to you, Heidi and dad.  She came into your life for a reason - she gave you love, strength and a life that was filled with the stability of the pack; she showed loyalty, joy, and courage . . . 
It is so difficult - I too was a bit reluctant to come to this forum but I have found it is comforting to share the thoughts and feelings that are often on an endless loop in our heads and hearts.  There are so many caring and kind people here - there is understanding and no judgment.  Warm thoughts and a hug for you.
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Hanposs
Thank you all for your kind na thoughtful words. Everything everyone's said is true, I'm so grateful that of all the people in this world, keishy chose to love me. I'll cherish that special love for the rest of my life.
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Hanposs
And I would love to read your poem :)
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Eddiesmom
Hanposs what a beautiful post.  I am so sorry for your loss. It is so hard. I am almost 3 months in and it does get better but then a wave of emotion will just hit and set you back.  Such sorry and then I have guilt too. I was fostering a blind rottweilwer with degenerative myelopathy, Henry, ....my Eddie was never happy about this. Eddie died 3/9 and I do feel so guilty that the last 1 1/2 of his life we had Henry with us and he wasn't really happy about that.  The peace in our house was gone once I started caring for Henry and I still feel such guilt that this may have negatively affected Eddie's health.  

I wish you peace and so sorry that the perfect life you were enjoying with your fiance and both pups is no more.



Sue E
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Ell99
Dear hanposs I am so sorry for your loss of your beautiful Keishy. I'm nearly 4 weeks after losing my 18 yo kitty. I have a cry every day some days are sobbing days. Home is not the same. Elle x
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wendywoo
Hanposs. your story made me cry. I got everything you said.Especially this bit

Our animals are our hearts running around outside our bodies, so when we lose them we find ourselves in such a dark hole because you never realise how much light they bring until you are alone..

I am struggling on through as you are. Life has changed.The loss is overwhelming. 
I'm so sorry for your loss x
Zippy 13/01/2008, Button 06/01/2016, Jake 11/05/2016
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petere3
I am so sorry to hear about your loss.  My little girl (Yorkie poo) died two months ago at age 10.  Not of cancer but enlarge heart we went to the vet got some meds and the vet said she is not dying,  but two days later she just died in my arms. we were going to see a specialist the next morning.  I still cry everyday day, she too was our joy and we loved her like a child.   No matter how they die old age, get sick, or getting injured.     It is sad and you feel so empty.   
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Steve_F
Hanposs, thank you for sharing your story. Reading it made me think of my Benny and how I put him through chemo (i regret it now) because at the time I was also told it was the best option and could extend his life for maybe up to a year. They said his cancer had a very good chance (greater than 70%) of responding to the treatment. Though after the first treatment they said they didn't get the results they were expecting so we tried the second chemo drug on him and that's when he got really sick on me and ended up in the hospital for two days recovering from fever, low blood count, dehydration, etc.  

I brought him home and tried the homeopathic route which I think in a small way kept him going pain free for a few more weeks. Though I could tell his life force was slowly leaving, I held out hope that he could stay with me and get to celebrate his 13th birthday in October. I tried to manage his symptoms at home, but in the end I couldn't stop the chronic diarrhea, loss of appetite or help ease his breathing. Each night while I lay in bed I could hear his breathing grow coarser and coarser. I kept thinking it would still be ok...that we had more time together, always hoping that keeping him on all his supplements would keep the cancer at bay. Towards the end I gave up on trying to force him to take his pills and tonics because it got to be so stressful for him to the point he would stay away when he saw me preparing his meds.

On the last day, it was as if he knew. After I called the vet and set up the appointment for them to come to the house, he didn't want to eat anything at all or drink anything anymore. That's when I knew he knew...we went outside to the backyard and spent time in the sunshine together.  I took pictures of us and told him I loved him and that I was so sorry I couldn't heal him. I asked for his forgiveness and for Gods forgiveness for what I had decided to do. I would have preferred that he pass peacefully in his sleep, but I know his love for me would have kept him going until his last breath and I decided I couldn't make him suffer any more and knew that things would only get worse more quickly if I didn't make the decision now.

It was the hardest decision I've ever made in my life.  When my wife passed from cancer 8 yrs ago she chose to enter hospice and I accepted her decision because it was her choice to decide and I respected the decision though painful as it was.  With my Benny, I had to make that horrible decision to decide his fate. I've often thought that I murdered him...that is how awful I am feeling at times. It's so hard to believe that euthanizing your pet is actually a gift for them when they are suffering.  I feel your pain and share in your grief. I am so very sorry for your loss.
BennysDad

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Hanposs
I'm so sorry to hear about your beautiful souls Benny and Yorkie

The last night I had with my keishy stands out so vividly in my head, a selfish voice just wishes it didn't. It's cruel in the 12.5 years of love and life she gave me, her last night is The night that I can't shake.
I can still hear her raspy breathe, see her beautiful eyes looking at me like " mum please fix this, help me" and her vomiting.
I wish I could forget some of those details and focus on all the amazing times, the love I was lucky to have.
Some people have said to me over the last two months " oh least she went fighting, least she's not in anymore pain and you dont have to worry and look after her" I just stop them and simply say " loving her and being her mum was and always will be the biggest privledge in my life and I know she fought to her last breath but I wasn't ready for there to be a last"

I would never be ready for that.

I was so happy when the vet told us she would be here for another year, I'm getting married in October and I was looking at dresses and flower crowns for her and her sister months before I even bothered looking at my own dress. She was going to be standing up there with me but now she will be sitting on my sisters lap in her beautiful urn.
My heart breaks just a little bit more everytime I realise that.

I would trade in everything I have to have more time or to have know earlier so I could've saved her. I really thought my love could conquer everything life threw at us. Now I feel such a loneliness in my heart.
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