meloknee
It's been two months today since I had to let my sweet Bella go unexpectedly. I took her to work with me the Thursday before Labor Day and we left town at the end of the day. I was going to leave her at my mom's while I went out of town. I got up the next morning and was getting ready to leave town when I noticed that she was having trouble breathing. My mom said she'd been struggling all night. I didn't feel comfortable leaving her, so we took her to the vet. As we walked in, I had this eerie feeling that we wouldn't be walking out together.

I explained to the vet that she had been diagnosed with cushings disease in July 2015. One of the symptoms of cushings is heavy panting even without exertion. She had been panting but nothing different than normal until we got to my mom's house. I had even taken her for a check up a month earlier and our vet said other than th cushings she was in good health.

This vet found a huge tumor that wrapped around her throat and was crushing her airway. It was too advanced to be able to be surgically removed. I felt like a horrible parent because I had no idea how sick she was. Letting her go was the best thing for her, but my heart shattered. As the vet began administering the meds, her poor veins blew out showing is that she was much more sick than we realized. I held her, rubbed her ear and whispered to her (that I was sorry I didn't know how sick she was and that I loved her so much) as she slipped away.

It was just Bella and me. I think she waited until I was home with my mom to let us see how sick she was so that I wouldn't have to be alone when I had to let her go. But letting her go while we were out of town meant that I had to come home without her to an empty house. For the first several weeks I had to repeat "Bella's not here" as I walked into my house so that I would be prepared when I opened the door and she wasn't there. I still expect to see her peek her head around a corner or come sit on the couch by me as I talk to the baseball game on tv.

I haven't cried as much lately, but today I have blubbered. I had her for 10.5 years - I made a book chronicling her life from when I adopted her at 8 weeks through the day before she died when I took her to work. I made a teddy bear out of her dog bed and The vet made an impression of her paw in clay and sent it to me. Today I have held the teddy bear while I stared at her pictures and held her paw print in my hand. It's still so hard to believe she's gone. I really miss her.
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MySweetSammie
I am so sorry for the loss of Bella. It is hard when we don't know that something is happening within them. My cat Sammie was only 8 when I lost him 2 weeks and one day ago without any warning. He was laying next to me on the pillow like every other morning for the past 8 years, a few hours later he was in critical condition, and a few hours later I was holding him saying good bye and like you, telling him how sorry I was that I hadn't known something was happening. They said he may have had a mass in his bladder and his bladder just ruptured. I've been told there are no signs, but I feel like I should have known. I bottle feed him from a week and a half old, I cuddled him everyday, he wanted to be so close to me we were like one person, yet I had no idea. I thought I did everything right. Regular vet visits, shots, kept him indoors, yet I couldn't save him. I have to tell myself the same thing every night getting home, that he isn't there to greet me. I still hope to see him, that when I open the door from the garage, he'll be waiting for me. The house feels cold and empty without him, which I struggle to explain to people because I also have a 78 lb lab/chow and another cat. I realize now that he is gone, how much of a presence his personality and shenanigans were in the house. My Belle is 13 (lab/chow)and I've had her since she was 8 weeks old too. I've always been a helicopter mom, but the fear is so much worse now. Her dr thought she had cushings about a year ago and we do twice yearly blood work up's now. When I think she pants too much or drinks more then normal, my mind goes to the worst place and I panic. Your Bella knew you loved her and that you were doing everything you knew to do. I'm glad you were able to be there with her and say goodbye. I think it helps to have had the opportunity to say goodbye, but it sure doesn't make the pain less. I'm able to get through the day at work now, but I cry for my Sammie on the way to the office and the way home. Hard to believe that our babies are no longer here to greet us after a long day or in the morning. My thoughts are with you.
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MySweetSammie
Your Bella has the same expression my Belle gets...really mom another picture? Bella was a beautiful girl!!
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meloknee
MySweetSammie thank you and I'm sorry for your loss of Sammie. It's definitely been hard to know that she had so much going on inside without me knowing and that our bet didn't pick up on either. I really think that our pets hide problems to protect us until they just can't anymore.
I'm so lonely without her. I know I'll get another dog when the time is right, but it's so quiet.
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Trajan50
meloknee wrote:
MySweetSammie thank you and I'm sorry for your loss of Sammie. It's definitely been hard to know that she had so much going on inside without me knowing and that our bet didn't pick up on either. I really think that our pets hide problems to protect us until they just can't anymore. I'm so lonely without her. I know I'll get another dog when the time is right, but it's so quiet.


I hope you don't wait too long to liberate another friend, there are so many in need and think of the joy you'll have back in your home!
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littleguy
so sorry for the loss of your sweet bella and what a beautiful girl and it is hard sometimes to see just how  sick they are as they put up a very good front trying to protect us as there love is as deep as ours if not more .7 weeks ago I lost my littleguy I let him out at 4am to play outside and potty  as I got ready for work and in the nice weather we always leave the back door open so the boys can come in and out well at around 7am when my husband went to leave for work littleguy didn't come and my husband found him behind the garage in his favorite spot already gone and all I can think of is he was sick when I let him out and I just didn't see it ,and like you I have a million what ifs but I truly believe we did everything we could for our beloved babies , please find comfort in your times of sadness somehow as I'm trying too.

littleguys mom      
pamela meadows
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