Well, I have reached the 2 months mark since Max passed.

I still have moments when i am alone, and I start crying. As long as I am busy I can stay together.

But my mind drifted today...

Max was always a tough guy. He could be hurt physically and not show it. The owners before I rescued were abusive i can tell, just from the way he acted. 

But one day, I came home and he had a limp on his front shoulder.  I never knew why he was hurt.  or if someone hurt him while I was gone.  But he had that limp and it never went away after that.

And I would take him for walks and he would run and run, like he wasn't in pain. then after we got home, he would really show the limp - it was worse. 

And I always thought what an odd dog to rather run and be in pain, then not.

And he would run and run whenever he could get a chance.  he wanted to run after the dogs at the dog park.  Not play - just chase them in a playful fashion.

Then one day, instead of running up the back porch steps to be let in, he just kinda meandered in.

he ran a bit after that day, but never like he use to.

Now, him passing on, was a hard day...but not seeing him run up the steps to come inside, was a hard day too.

I always had a touch of sadness after that. I didn't realize how much I enjoyed watching him have fun just running.

Even when max's kidney's were shutting down and he refused to eat, he still showed no pain. there wasn't any pain in his eyes at all either...

All he wanted to do was lay next to my chair, my bed, or watch me in the kitchen and lay down in the dining room in his spot.

I still don't understand how he could be in that much pain and not care. Or not show it. And just want to be with me no matter what.

In the last weeks, I was going to let Max pass naturally. Because his spirit didn't want to go, even though his body was.

But then one night, he wanted to go outside at 2 am. So I let him out the front door instead of the back because those steps were easier for him to climb.  He went down the steps and I left the front door to go to the kitchen sink for a minute to get a glass of water - came back and Max was gone.

I looked out the front and called him, put my shoes on to go look, he was gone. Now where could a dog who can't really walk vanish off too?

I woke my husband up all freaked out. and he went to look for Max with a flash light, where I took the car in the back yard with the head lights to find him.

My husband found him laid down next to the fence. I asked him if Max was dead. And he said no.

Seeing him lying like that was dreadful...why he would walk off to the back to be by himself, instead of wanting to come back inside, scared me, I heard of dogs hiding under the porch to go die by themselves.

It was after that, I started to see the confusion in his eyes, the toxins were now attacking his brain. Watching my beloved Max was too much too take...

In the end, I just felt him say to me, "I want to be with you but I am having a hard time, my body is not letting me."

And when we went to the vet's on his last day, I told him that i was sorry to have to do this, but that I can't watch you suffer anymore.

And I felt like I was betraying his trust. He always trusted me to take care of him. And here I was making the decision to end his life.

As I held his head in my lap, I could see the confusion from the toxins in his eyes, and he was saying, "I am losing this struggle, I don't have the strength to fight anymore."

My big tough boy was now so fragile and weak. I never saw him that way -ever in all the days I had him.  And Max's final moments were to relieved by not struggling, not fighting for life anymore....

It was time for him to pass.

I am glad I got those 2 extra days to spend with him, even though I was crying, I got to tell him I loved him so much...And like two childhood inseparable best friends...we just shared our love without words. the two days before the toxins started to attack his brain. I still got to enjoy him just being my dog again!

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That was such a touching story, Kara. I remember the moment I realized Hailey was losing her fight. The light was gone from her. All her energy went to breathing and there was nothing more I could do to keep her from suffering.

I was searching on Etsy for a memorial necklace for her. Something to keep close to my heart and I stumbled across one that really hit home for me. It said

We suffer, so they don't have to.

I have wrestled with my decision for the last 14 days and at times I accept it, but most of the time I do not. I keep repeating that saying.
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Oh, this story made me cry,  First, for your poor Max.  Second,  it mirrored my own story with my Miguel:  He fought as long as he could to be happy,  to not show pain -  and in the end.....Oh,  I can't bear to think about it, I'm tearing up......My poor Maine Coon cat who got lymphoma did the same thing.  Kept trying to be happy,  kept trying to do his usual things,  until he just fell over.  So sad.
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This story made me cry too. It mirrored the same internal dialogue, thoughts and feelings we went through with Sydney too.

What a moving thought, jdavis515..."We suffer, so they don't have to". I'm going to keep than mantra close to me for a little while.

I'm sorry about Max, Kara. My heart breaks with you.
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It comforts me that you all understand...its sad we have to go thru this...but yea, we suffer so they don't have to.

i know, this sounds strange, but after two months, the strange thoughts that come into play.

Why didn't he show any pain? From what I read online, its painful. I even googled what its like for people and their pain when their kidney's shut down. 

My vet wasn't that great. she wouldn't answer any of my questions about max or give him any pain meds. But she did give him an anti nausea shot. She wanted money.  And she was trying to 'give me hope' that I could spend money and save Max.  I don't actually get rude with people usually, but I just snapped at her, "He's dying from old age" after she gave me this flippant "well I don't know what's wrong with him unless we do $150 of blood work.  I am angry she tried to play on my emotions to save him when it was futile. 

My previous dog, played on my emotions and I bought into trying to save him. In the end I made him suffer more by allowing the vet to put him on the x ray table - that hurt him.  that was a bad decision on my part.

But this time, I swore I wasn't going to let Max out of my site.  And then I had to anyway, so they could put an IV in him.

They say you can give the shot yourself at home these days.

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your story has touched me so much... it made my eyes fill with tears... I hope your pains eases over time. this is not easy To go through.. My Rocky was the same.. he was very strong until the day it was time to say our goodbyes. that day it was like he was relieved and he could just be sick and tired cuz he knew he wouldn't feel the pains anymore. :( breaks my heart, tears it aparat almost daily knowing i had to make the choice the manta "We suffer, so they don't have to" will also stay close to my heart right now. <3 peace and love to you all
Rocky Dog
July 20 2000 - July 27 2013
No longer by my side....
But forever in my heart
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