imissmytut

EDIT: The topic should read "20 years".

 

Three days ago I made the decision that Tut should be put to sleep, that his quality of life was tanking and I loved him too much to see him hurt.  Two days ago my family took him to the vet, brought his body home, and buried him.

Today another of our cats, Chocolate, had to be put to sleep, unexpectedly, after spending several days at the vet's for what we thought was a bladder infection but turned out to be a mass in his bladder.  We were not close.  But I was looking forward to him coming home after the loss of Tut.

Tut was my boy.  He was my baby.  We were the same age, but he was mine.  There has never been a time in my life where he was not present.

I know that putting him to sleep was the right thing to do.  But part of me can't accept that he was dead when the vet said "It's done." 

I feel like I need to go dig him up out of the backyard.  Because it's muddy and dirty and wet out there underground.  Because it stormed right after we buried him and he was terrified of storms.  I had a dream today that he was a live and had gotten out of his grave to come see me and my family.

I walk into my room and I look for him on my bed and on the floor by my desk.  I walk carefully to my desk so as not to step on him.  But he's not there.  And he will never be there again.

And then I feel guilty, because he was always in my room because he was too elderly to go outside anymore.  He loved me and he wanted to be near me for the past year, but he also loved the outdoors and could not be there.

I've gone through depression, dark depression, in the past few years.  And he was there for me in ways no one else could be or wanted to be. 

He is who I would go to for comfort, and now he is the only one I cannot go to.

I have other cats.  But they do not want to be mine like he was.  He was my favorite, and I was his.  Now I have no one.

There is a hole missing in my life that can never be filled.  There was no cat like Tut.

I just want my boy.  I just want to hold him and pet him.

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Beesmom123
I am so very sorry for the loss of your beloved Tut and Chocolate , how devastating to lose two within a few days of each other

You gave them them the gift of an easy passing and they are not suffering and have no more earthly cares. Unfortunately you are now left to grieve and try to adjust to a new reality
I wish there was something I could do to ease your pain. I understand what you mean about thinking of Tut under the cold wet ground
It still pains me to look outside and think of my beloved cat that I lost in October buried out there by himself. Though I know in my rational mind it's only his shell and not the spirit of my precious boy.

Feel free to reach out , people here truly understand and can relate to what you are going through
Hugs to you
Diana

Bee- "Good night sweet prince & flights of angels see thee to thy rest"
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mybaby1robert
You will find comfort here my friend.  There is no cure for the grief.  We don't even want it to go away as it is our connection to our precious angels.  They are angels.  God gave us these angels to find the connection to the best that can be in us.  I will miss my Robert forever.  As he grew sicker and I cared for him we were bonded for all eternity.  I loved him so much as you do your babies.  We are all friends here.  Peace to you my friend. Crying lets us let out our grief for a while.  This came in a card....I can laugh at some of the things that were Robert.  I still cry for myslf.

Grieve not,
nor speak of me with tears,
but laugh and talk of me
as if I were beside you...
I loved you so-
Twas Heaven here with you.
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AliceM
I am so sorry for your loss of Tut and Chocolate.  That has to be so horrible to lose two in such a short period of time.  I understand your feelings about the grave of Tut.  We buried Cali in the freezing rain and I just kept thinking at the time this is just so wrong.  I'd spent her lifetime keeping her dry and warm and now, we were laying her to rest in the ground that was so cold and wet.  I even had my husband weight down a sheet of tin over her grave to try to keep it dry. We had more rain a few days later, then snow and all I could think about was Cali's grave.  I found out several weeks after she was gone that one of our local vets perform cremation and hate so badly that I didn't know about it at the time.  I had to keep trying to remind myself that Cali's spirit is not in that grave.  It is easier now and I'm not sure if I have finally just accepted it or if it is because summer is quickly approaching and I know the ground will be warm.  I hope you find some peace and that your heart begind to heal soon.
Alice
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shantismom
I am so sorry for your losing Tut.  many of us here have had a special "one" that just held our hearts like no other.
I feel the same way you do about my Shanti being buried in my yard.  After he died I was so grief stricken that I even though of digging him up, that is why I understand how bad you feel.
I remind myself that I feel this way because I had his love for 14 years.  Shanti is worth the pain and your baby is worth it too.  For the many years you loved him and he loved you the pain is worth it.
It has been 5 1/2 months since my Shanti died and I will say that the pain has eased.  But sometimes it comes rushing back, so if you find this happens to you, it is normal.
Tut no longer has any discomfort, no stress, no problems, try to think of that in the days ahead.  He would want you to be happy and in time you will think of him with a smile instead of tears.  Until then, come here and let it out, we all know what you are going through.

Marlene Wagner
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BSmith1199
I feel your pain.  I truly do.  We all seem to have that connection to our animals, to the extent they are more friend and family than animal.  So when we have to make that decision to end their pain, it is not something we are wired for as human beings.  It goes against the very grain of our own mortality.

The conflict inside is horrible.  Guilt, anger, frustration, loss, pain all conspire to make us feel like we are the lowest form of life.  Yet, we all know, in the end, our love for these family members exceeds our own desires to keep them alive.  Watching them suffer is far worse than ending that pain for them.

I know this.  We all know this, but it does not seem to help much after it is done.  We miss them. 

I hope you get to the point where thinking of Tut will make you smile a little, very soon.  They do deserve to be remembered that way.  They would have it no other way.  And yet, as I type this diatribe, I am tearing up just a little from my on recent loss.

It does get better.
Smokey (1959-1959, car), Prissy (1966-1968, car), Tina (1955-1974, old age), Rags (1976-1980, stolen), Dax (1999-2015, my choice, due to renal failure), Shelby & Jag (2015)

You only think you are training them.  When they are gone, you finally get it.
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tuxtails
I am so sorry for your loss, I lost my Tux a week ago today. I felt the same way about going and digging him up, the thought of him being alone out there. I had t tell myself over and over again that his soul is gone and just his body was left there. I know it hurts and you miss Tut. Post a picture of your boy. We are all here for you and understand what you are going through.


Toni 
(Tux's Mom)
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jonancy
I am so sorry for the loss of Tux and Chocolate. I can't imagine losing two so close together.

My deepest sympathy,

Jonancy...Scooters mama
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