EDIT: The topic should read "20 years".
Three days ago I made the decision that Tut should be put to sleep, that his quality of life was tanking and I loved him too much to see him hurt. Two days ago my family took him to the vet, brought his body home, and buried him.
Today another of our cats, Chocolate, had to be put to sleep, unexpectedly, after spending several days at the vet's for what we thought was a bladder infection but turned out to be a mass in his bladder. We were not close. But I was looking forward to him coming home after the loss of Tut.
Tut was my boy. He was my baby. We were the same age, but he was mine. There has never been a time in my life where he was not present.
I know that putting him to sleep was the right thing to do. But part of me can't accept that he was dead when the vet said "It's done."
I feel like I need to go dig him up out of the backyard. Because it's muddy and dirty and wet out there underground. Because it stormed right after we buried him and he was terrified of storms. I had a dream today that he was a live and had gotten out of his grave to come see me and my family.
I walk into my room and I look for him on my bed and on the floor by my desk. I walk carefully to my desk so as not to step on him. But he's not there. And he will never be there again.
And then I feel guilty, because he was always in my room because he was too elderly to go outside anymore. He loved me and he wanted to be near me for the past year, but he also loved the outdoors and could not be there.
I've gone through depression, dark depression, in the past few years. And he was there for me in ways no one else could be or wanted to be.
He is who I would go to for comfort, and now he is the only one I cannot go to.
I have other cats. But they do not want to be mine like he was. He was my favorite, and I was his. Now I have no one.
There is a hole missing in my life that can never be filled. There was no cat like Tut.
I just want my boy. I just want to hold him and pet him.