Quincysmomma
It's been 2 days since we had to say goodbye to our Quincy and my heart is shattered.  It was exactly 1 month since his first seizure and it has been a really rough month and now its unbearable  He was tough as nails and never complained, but I could tell that last day that even he knew he couldn't fight anymore.

Logically, I know we did the right thing, but I still want to take it back...I want him home.  I don't know how to be without him. I work from home and he has been my constant companion for 11 years...nothing makes sense anymore...I don't know what to do with myself. 

My husband is heartbroken as well, but he is more stoic about it.  They had a routine when he would get home from work every night so this being his first night home from work is going to be really tough for him as well.  Today was my first day trying to get through a work day without him around and I feel like a zombie. We don't have children and Quincy is so ingrained into our daily routine that I don't even know how to be in my own home.

I'm too sad to write more, but I was glad to find this board and and see that I am not alone in the gravity of my grief over the loss of a very special dog who is so loved.

I saw a quote yesterday that said "if love could have saved you, you would live forever"
Quote 0 0
Molly4always
I am so sorry for your loss. My kitty was only 11 years old when I lost her two months ago.  They leave such an empty space in our homes.  I still miss her and still find it hard to believe she’s really gone.  Please let us know how you and your husband are doing.  We all know how hard it is and how deep the grief can go.  We are told to let them go but how can we when they were so much a part of our lives.  
Quote 0 0
Quincysmomma
Hi Molly,

Thank you so much for reaching out and I'm very sorry for the loss of your kitty...they leave such hole.  My husband and I are not doing very well right now...I keep hearing that time heals, but it just doesn't feel that way right now.  I am finding that I am isolating myself from family members who just don't get it.

Quincy was so ingrained in our daily routines and provided so much love and personality to our home that the void he has left is unbearable.  I'm just getting through the days alternating between crying and feeling like a zombie. Doing mundane things like going grocery shopping seems ridiculous right now.

I hope to be able to write more about him soon and maybe share a picture, but its too hard right now.  
Quote 0 0
codysmum102
Quincy'smomma,
I am so sorry you lost your baby.  Your story sounds so familiar to mine. I'm not sure why Quincy was having seizures but my Cody had them too. We found out he had a brain tumor and that was what finally made us have to choose to let him go. It's been a little over 2 months now and I still miss him so much. I am retired and the last three and a half years of his life we were together all of the time. I called him my little white shadow because he followed me everywhere. The hole in my heart is huge and I know life will never be the same.
Julie 💔
"Grief only exists where love lived first."
--Franchesca Cox
Quote 0 0
Quincysmomma
Codysmum,

I am so sorry for your loss as well. I'm still not able to write much about what happened, but I hope to soon.  Thank you so much for sharing about Cody and for reaching out...it is much appreciated.
Quote 0 0
kilateamo
Just joined, and saw your post first. Im so so so incredibly sorry for your enormous loss. 
We seem to be in similar situations, I also work from home, and we would take our baby everywhere we went, so there is no activity that I can find to distract myself. It all happened so fast, she was always so healthy, and in a matter of less than 10 days after her first episode of pulmonary edema due to congestive heart faliure  (which she came out of very well) it started to get bad again. Worst part was that she was still so full of life, other than the labored breathing she was completely herself. Cant seem to stop making myself nauseous with anxiety over what I feel were a terrible final 2 days, spent at the hospital after never having been a night apart from me and my husband, in which she got better a second time until her sudden decline in a matter of hours. I wish I couldve brought her home one last time, to at least get to say goodbye in the comfort of home. Feeling much like you describe, drowning in my grief.... so full of regrets and what ifs, and have started to isolate because I just cant handle one more person saying the usual "you gave her such a great life" condolence speech.
Had to make the gut wrenching final decision to let my 13.5 yr old baby girl Kila rest on Sunday night, and these have been the hardest, emptiest, saddest days of my entire life. 

Hoping this gets easier. My husband also comes home from work later for the first time since shes been gone, he's also been keeping it together for our baby (thank goodness because I just havent been able to) but I wonder how its gonna go later when he doesnt have his little partner greet him excitedly for their nightly stroll or park hangout.

One day at a time I guess.
Quote 0 0
Quincysmomma
Kilateamo,

Thank you so much for sharing your story...I know that couldn't have been easy to write out.  Our situations do sound very similar and I am so sorry for your loss...it really sucks to feel like you don't want to be in your own home because it feels so empty without our buddies.

How did your husband do with his first time home from work?  My husband is not handling it well...he is able to hold it together at work, but as soon as he walks in the door, the sadness and emptiness washes over him and he misses his little partner in crime. 

I was able to talk to my sister on the phone yesterday for the first time, but I told her I wasn't able to talk about Quincy yet.  She respected that and she has been the most understanding of the magnitude of grief I am feeling even though she has never had a critter baby. 

Doing every day tasks are proving very hard.  I've been living on cereal and peanut butter & jelly sandwiches because I can't bring myself to cook anything.  Quincy loved it when we cooked and was all over the kitchen 'supervising' while we were cooking and hoping for scraps...it feels disrespectful to enjoy anything at this point, but making good food seems especially sad.  I can't even distract myself by getting out of the house and wandering around Target or something because we're not supposed to really be out and about right now if we don't need to.

I know this feeling will never go away, but I do hope it gets better because I can't go through the rest of my life feeling this way.  I know we both feel so raw right now because its only been a matter of days since we had to say goodbye and if I'm honest...it still doesn't feel real...I keep hoping Quincy is going to come hopping around for a treat.
Quote 0 0
codysmum102
Quincysmomma,  Molly4always and Kilateamo,
I know what you mean about cooking.  I used to make our meatballs a special way with only turkey meat, milk, eggs and breadcrumbs (no onions or other spices) because that way Cody could eat them too.  He loved his "meatyballs".  When we had chicken I would cook some plain pieces for him and we ate turkey hot dogs because we thought it was better for him.  He also loved the store rotisserie chicken.  I haven't eaten any of that since his passing on Jan. 11th.  We were supposed to go on an RV trip before the COVID19 thing but we cancelled because he always went with us in the RV and we just couldn't go without him being there.   I don't mention Cody to anyone outside the forum because it is just too hard.  If I cry when I'm on here typing it isn't as bad.  That's why I am so glad I found like minded people going through the same things as I am (although I wouldn't wish this on anyone).  I can express my feelings in the safety of my home with no one around if I break down and no one to judge me for how I feel.  Take care.
Julie 💔
"Grief only exists where love lived first."
--Franchesca Cox
Quote 0 0
Buddy_Mama
I so identify with everything that each of you has written, and is feeling. I too work from home and have no children; Buddy was an "only pet" and was always with me, all day, every day. He would follow me around the house, just because he liked being with me, and loved to cuddle. We had special routines and a very deep bond. Tomorrow night will be 2 weeks since we lost him suddenly and unexpectedly. Everything you've all described is exactly what I'm going through too: the indescribable sadness, disorientation, feeling like a zombie, everything that used to be normal now seems pointless or impossible. My husband is grieving too, but is more stoic like yours, Quincysmomma - at least compared to how I've been.

I too find it hard to talk to others, even caring family members who mean well, because they don't like seeing/hearing me so sad and thus don't want to dwell on it. So I come here and pour out my pain, knowing that everyone here understands and doesn't judge. I read this older post tonight:  https://forums.rainbowsbridge.com/post/coping-with-grief-10108748 and it helped. I hope it helps you too.
Cindy (Buddy’s mama)
Quote 0 0
kilateamo
My husband is keeping it together, going on his nightly walk without her to remember her. He says he will continue to do it just in case her spirit is following him around when he gets home. 
However, even tho outwardly he seems fine, I can feel his sadness. As soon as he pulls up I sense this heaviness all around...
Last night he picked up her ashes and a paw print. I wish the pretty wooden box was as cuddly as she was.
My sister is probably one of the hardest to talk to. My brother has been pretty awesome, and has been checking up on me and just calling to chat and distract me.
Luckily my husband is a culinary manager, so I dont even have to think of cooking.... however, when I eat and there's a little bite sized piece on my plate, I automatically want to bend down and hand it to Kila.... but she's not there. Yesterday I was eating a salad and half a grape tomato flew from my plate to the floor and I almost cried.... she loved tomatoes and would have lapped that up in an instant. 
Everyday is hard. I wake up without her jumping on the bed, try to go about my day without her constant interactions, and then try and go to sleep without her softness near me. Im alive but feel dead inside... doing anything I can to distract my mind so it doesnt wander back into the dark hole it falls into everytime I hyperfocus on the fact that my baby isnt here anymore.
Im a SUPER skeptic, but Ive been reading and watching youtube videos about animal communicators. Some of them have given me some peace. They talk about animals in the afterlife, how they're at peace and being taken care of by our other deceased relatives, etc. It might sound stupid, but really anything at this point that keeps my brain busy with some hope keeps me from spiraling.

hugs for all of you here going thru this. Ive read a bunch on this kind of grief, and most studies show losing a pet can be harder than losing your parent. I can definitely agree.
Quote 0 0
Quincysmomma
Thank you for sharing that link Buddy_Mama...that does help a bit.  It was a pretty tough weekend since we reached the 1 week mark and I just feel incredibly sad and worry that I will never be the same as I was before.  My husband said something that sort of resonated with me and helped a tiny bit...he said that if I don't start thinking about all of the good times and wonderful memories we have with Quincy and I only focus on the day we had to say goodbye and the month before that when he was getting sick that that is not fair to his memory and not the way he would want to be remembered.  He was a feisty little nugget and had so much personality and I would never trade the 11 years we had with him.

I'm a pretty skeptical person as well, Kilateamo, but I like to think that Quincy is now healthy and back to his spunky self and is hanging out with the kitties we have lost in years past in our dream house somewhere.  I shared a thought with my husband that I was worried Quincy was lost and sad and wondering where we were and he said...he's not sad...he's running around with Mr Pow Pow (our kitty we lost several years ago) and eating all the treats he wants. I really hope that we'll all be together again someday.
Quote 0 0
BoxerMomForever
I am very sorry for your loss.  It’s heartbreaking to say the least. Our girl passed 5 Months ago.  It takes time, grieving is different for everyone. Just treasure the happy times.  I’m still having a hard time, I was home with her 24/7 she was my heart dog, we just had a special bond.  My hubby misses her too dearly.  Can’t really talk about it.  Please stay here, this community has helped me tremendously.  We are all going through the same sad thing.  Yes friends and family were supportive but after a few weeks, no one asks how we are?? Some make recommendations to get another dog.  I can’t go out and get another dog ASAP. Yes I want another in the future, miss having the comfort of an animal.  But with all going on in, don’t think it’s a good time. 
Linda *Mom to two boxer angels* Lily {White Girl} 6/22/09 - 10/14/19 Ginger {Flashy Fawn Girl} 6/4/97 - 5/28/09
Quote 0 0
Quincysmomma
Quincy - It's been a really rough week again so far...we miss you terribly.  The house is so quiet and empty without you.  I'm afraid our home will never feel happy again without you...it just feels like a sad shell.
Quote 0 0
Pennysforevermom
BoxerMomForever: You're so right...our babies are not replaceable.
Quincysmomma: I understand how you feel. They leave a huge void in our hearts and in our homes. I would give anything to hear my baby walking and running through my house again.
Quote 0 0