MOConnor
Have some good news for you who are eager to see pics of my beautiful bunnies: I was looking for the negatives but instead found the prints themselves!  I have no idea how they got where they were or how they eluded me for so many years.  As soon as I get them scanned I'll post the best of them.

But...I could hardly stand to look at the pics.  I did not cry but it still hurt.  Just a quick look to make sure they were the right ones and that they hadn't suffered any deterioation after so long lost in a drawer and that was all I could manage.

I remembered what had been, sharper than I have for many years, I remembered their deaths...and I felt behind my eyes the burning of tears that will never be shed because my attempts at repressing my emotions have succeeded all too well.  Such passes for weeping on my part...and it was totally unexpected, the surge of memories and emotions...considering the lapse of time I am almost embarrassed.  15 years is an extremely long time and I had hoped that the pain would have died by now...  How wrong can a person be?
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smkovalinsky
I think the past is never really over, and I certainly do not think there is ANY shame in grieving for your bunnies after 15 years.  The philosopher Gurdjieff says that we can change the past, redeem it,  by interacting with it now,  and I agree.  I would love to see photos of your beautiful bunnies.  I think many of us repress our emotions,  and more people should do as you are doing:  Trying to face and heal the past now.  I think you are doing exactly right, all the way. 
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donnalee
I realize it has been a long time and this is a little unusual but it seems it is better to experience the grief now rather than never.  That may bring the healing you are looking for.  I hope so. 
That's so amazing that you found the prints that you didn't even know you had!  Can't wait to see the bunnies. 
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donnalee

smkovalinsky, I love the quote you shared about redeeming the past---what a profound thought.  What wonderful advice you gave MOConnor and we all benefit from the thoughts you share. 

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MOConnor
A very profound thought indeed and I thank you for it.  It's hard to face the pain...I'd much rather squelch it.  But it would seem that all THAT has gotten me is stalled back 15 years, never progressing forwards...or doing so only partly and very slowly...because I refused to allow myself to grieve.  Hubris and personality traits negatively enhancing each other I think.

I have long wondered how I could indeed redeem the past pain...which is beyond any words I could come up with.  You'd have to be a Vulcan and mind-meld with me to feel it.  That's part of the package when dealing with mental illness...emotions are more intense and more difficult to control.  Yes, I feel ready for another bunny as soon as everything comes together right but that isn't exactly what I am looking for as an memorial.  I don't have the finances to make a reasonable donation to a local rabbit rescue group or the American House Rabbit Association but that is about the only way I can think of to help other bunnies avoid the fate Jellybean and Maria faced---which stemmed from ignorance about taking care of and medically treating rabbits.

MOConnor
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