I am very sorry to read about your Hutchy. And you are so right-- 15 years is definitely not long enough. Having to make the decision is wicked. I had to chose for my Lucy. I replayed the decision, the last day...everything. And like Hutchy, I had a fierce recall, an image when my Lucy looked @ me. The tech took her out of the room for the first of 2 shots. She looked at me as if to say, 'I'll be right back'. Like Hutchy sniffing the grass, Lucy looked if this is another routine day/visit. Even coming back into the room with the vet...for the second shot...Lucy tried to walk toward me & then sort of fell down onto the blanket on the floor. My vet loved Lucy too. She was already crying herself. But Lucy wasn't afraid. She trusted me...in those last moments...we were together. Whether people stay in the room or not is their own decision.But I share this with you because in time, I hope you will be able to feel that being with Hutchy on that last day...was a gift. He wasn't alone. Even sniffing the grass, he wasn't afraid. He trusted you. Hutchy knew that you didn't want him to suffer. You chose to end his pain because you loved him beyond measure. You took his pain. And now you feel the pain of that last day & the unbearable decision. Now you carry the pain. But in that moment, when you chose to end his suffering, you decided because you loved him that much.
Please keep talking to Hutchy. Ask him for signs & then watch for them. They will come. But for now...please go slow. Many people may not understand. But everyone who has shared the deep love with a furry friend understands the fierce pain. Everyone here understands. Come often. If & when you are ready, please share more about your Hutchy.