It has been 12 weeks since I decided to put my beautiful sweet girl to rest. To this day I miss her and find myself caught up in my devastation and grief. 

I am currently fostering kittens. This is the first time I've had any cats in my house since Patches passed. It's harder than I expected. Everytime I see them sitting in her favourite spots I feel like I am cheating on Patches. It also makes me sad to think she was no longer the last cat to sit in that spot. Additionally, they are all boys except one. I found myself calling her sweet girl the other day and felt so guilt after as that was Patches nick name.

I thought that fostering would make me happy, and it does sometimes, but it has also made me sad and has made me feel guilty.

I miss my Patches so much. I would do anything to have her back. Everyday I wonder if I made the right decision at the end. I know most people say that 18.5 years was a long life and that "I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do" but those reassurances have not made me feel better. I feel guilt most days and an unbearable sense of loss almost everyday. I miss her so much. And me being the one to choose to let her go has made it worse.

My life is a shadow of what it was when my sweet baby girl was apart of it. I've been waiting for a sign from her, and have felt that maybe there have been a few, but then I think that I am making them up just because I want it so bad.

I hope she can hear my prayers and my wispered thoughts directed at her.

In loving memory of my sweet girl and soul mate I have attached a photo of her.

I love you so very much beautiful girl, you are so missed and I wish you were here.
Quote 0 0

Your Patches was such a rare beauty. So adorable and loveable. Thank you for sharing that image of her.

I think what you are doing by fostering is very, very admirable and you are honoring your love for your little girl by helping other cats in dire need.

Try and have fun with those kittens. They need love, affection and to know that they are safe. They are not responsible for what happened as you well know, and they are just trying to survive in a very complicated, dangerous, unpredictable World.

As you may have read, I fostered a stray kitten 2 months after my own cat departed and this kitten is now 1.2 years old and has turned out to be such a darling lad. He helped bring a lot of love, light and happiness back into my life. Made me smile and laugh countless times which I thought was impossible. I had swore off ever having another cat again, but this little boy needed a home and a Dad and I could not resist.

When it comes to "signs"? I 100% am positive they are real. As you may have read I was an atheist for over 50 years until the love I had for my Marmalade and the experiences we had together convinced me there was something far, far greater than us.

Quote 0 0
It's coming up to 3 months since Sox died. Grief hits me from nowhere and I just want to go back in time to when I first brought him home and relive all the happy days I remember when he was here. I've fostered cats for a few years, many stay only for a few weeks. Sox was with me 14 months a long term foster cat but really he was a permanent resident in my home. I don't really talk about it anymore - I'm scared people will think I'm crazy but he's there in my thoughts. I didn't know it would hit me so hard.
Quote 0 0
Wow, that is one of the most adorable cats I’ve ever seen. I’m so deeply sorry for your loss❤️ I definitely relate to the guilt you feel having other kitties in the house. I haven’t adopted yet since my boy only passed a short while ago, but I feel so guilty thinking of ever filling the hole in my heart with someone else. You put it well by saying it feels like cheating on your baby. I feel like it’s wrong to ever love another dog again (and i’m sure part of that is because my dog hated other dogs). But I think what you’re doing is beautiful, and I think in time, it will feel natural and right to love again. We’re protective over the memory of our lost pets and I think it’s normal to feel guilt when making room for another. Hang in there, and know you’re doing a wonderful thing.
Quote 0 0