wkcookie
To anyone who's reading this, I will be fully transparent.  I said goodbye to the only good thing in my life 10 months ago.  At the time, my precious dog was 16.5 years old with a bladder tumor that came back, cushing's disease and finally kidney failure.  Could she have lasted a little longer? Maybe.  At least that's what my vet said after I asked him for his honest opinion after I let her go. 

Why did I let her go?  Because I didn't trust myself to give her regular sub q fluids while trying to figure out how to balance her other meds and take her to constant vet appointments for follow up work.  I have no kids.  I have a demanding job (like so many others).  I don't live with my parents, but they are in poor health (like so many others with parents).  But I am also married to an alcoholic.  When I needed him most, he wasn't there.  In the last month of her life, he did get up early with me to feed her appetite stimulants but waking him was a chore so I can give her the meds and wait an hour for the stimulant to kick in then leave at 6:45 in the morning for work and come home and repeat the cycle on top of maintaining a household even though it was just us.  There were times he used to say we never did anything anymore because I had trouble being so far from her even for a short while.  The most I did was go to work and run errands like getting groceries.  Even my best friend, at least I thought he was my best friend, was upset that I didn't travel 3 hours to see his new baby b/c I was too busy with my own baby (my dog).  My parent was in/out of the hospital almost every month or every other month.  So between my husband's alcohol, my crippling marriage, my best friend taking his frustration out on me, my parent's health, and my demanding job, I decided to say goodbye to the best thing that happened to me.  I try to justify my actions and say that it was time and that I was just prolonging the inevitable.  I try to justify my actions and say that it was too hard on her to force her meds or to think about regular needles for sub q fluids.  But now I wonder if I did it because in the end, I was tired and not thinking clearly.  Now I wonder if I should have tried harder.  Now I just feel selfish and should have given her more time.  Now the guilt will forever haunt me as I wake up each day to the same sh*t routine but this time I have no real best friend by my side.  Now I wake up each day and just do what I'm supposed to do and wait for God to take me so I can be with her again.
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gizmomybaby
Wkcookie am so sorry for your loss x I no how you feel I became so tired at the end of my gizmos life nursing him through cancer . Its not easy . My days are like yours just passing by waiting to see my boy again x I think you did good by your baby am sorry you never got the support you needed at that time . Some people just dont understand they are our babies our world x you have friends here that all understand your pain x sorry ai haven't been so comforting sending hugs Annemarie candy gizmo xxx
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catiebee
Wkcookie, I'm so sorry you're struggling hard and blaming yourself. Grief is such a cruel feeling and so hard to deal with, and you don't deserve to have guilt on top of that. 

I don't doubt for a moment that you were doing the very best you could for your beloved dog at the time. Doggie illnesses and physical problems as they decline are sooo hard on us emotionally. You had other very stressful things going on also. You are one human being who was being very stretched by everything in your life. And your dear dog was very ill. I hope you will let yourself off the hook and try not to blame yourself for the illnesses that took her life. 

I so relate to your saying you let go of the only good thing in your life. I have felt that way over and over about losing my precious girl. But I also want my heart to be an open and a hopeful heart and to believe that there is more good to come, even if today I don't know what package that goodness will arrive in. I'm so sorry your life has been so painful and for how disappointed and hurt you feel after losing your sweet one.  

Take care of you. I know it's hard and grief is exhausting. Thinking of you and sending hugs!
Catie
-Missing Marissa deeply
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Jsuewatts
My heart goes out to you. 16.5 years is such a long time to have become used to having your best friend around you each day. It sounds like she had a major part in your life.
Right now, I️ don’t know if there is anything that will dampen your feeling of guilt, but I️ hope with time you forgive yourself. Because truely, you did all that you could for her, and gave her a kind and gentle goodbye. On a technicality, sure, maybe she could have had more days. But would those have been days when she would be herself? Would it be quality time? As a vet myself, I️ worry they wouldn’t be. I’ve seen patients kept alive on feeding tubes and ventilators, but I️ personally couldn’t put my pet or myself through that.
Know that from an outsider looking in, you did the most selfLESS thing you could do- said goodbye to your fur baby even though it hurt so damn much.
Thinking of you and wishing for healing,
Jaimie
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