deedee76
My Dog passed away this day last week around this time and I wasn't with him - I was working.   He was alone at the vets probably scared, looking for me wondering where I was..   I am struggling I feel so guilty my heart is broken

Dee

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Memories_of_Marmalade

Hi Deedee,

I am sorry and saddened for your recent loss and for what you experienced. Many of us here have gone through similar circumstances with Vet's and Animal Hospitals who let each of us down. I took my boy (an orange and white Tabby cat named "Marmalade") to 4 Vet's (2 of those being so-called Animal Hospital's) to try and save my lad, and all of them failed us. Either through misdiagnosis, no diagnosis, or irresponsibility. So please know that you are not alone. I lost my boy 10 weeks as of yesterday. And I still breakdown crying I miss him so.

When it comes to your not being with your lad at the end? I used to wonder what "Marmalade" thought when I would leave the warehouse / loft we resided in. Usually to go out on an errand, including picking up his food & supplies etc. And I came to the conclusion that because I often returned with food, he probably just assumed I was out hunting for us. And it was too dangerous for him to accompany me. Or as the Aussie's have dubbed I was going out on a "Walk-About" - doing what we mysterious humans do that we do. So your pup probably just assumed the same. You were out hunting for you both and would return when you could, while he was at the Vet's. I do believe that although many pet's don't like the Vet's, they often do understand that the Vet IS trying to help them. 

The burial site you chose sounds enchanting. I'm glad you can visit your boy in such a lovely setting. Fairy lights in Ireland! How wonderful! My family immigrated from Ireland to America in the early 1800's. We visited Cork and Blarney when I was a lad. I have many fond memories of your beautiful country.

I hope you continue to travel through time and continue to heal. And that someday all that shall remain are your most fondest, happiest and most cherished memories of your beloved dog.

Kind regards & my sincerest condolences,
James


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jerigraehl
Deedee I am right there with you. I see you got a response from James here. He really helped me with my loss. I am so greatful he took the time to show me an objective rational response. My emotions still take over but I read his email a lot. I lost Khaomanee 7-21-19. I am on my 5th day of horrific grief today. And like you there is plenty of guilt for the way things went. Nothing takes the pain away. I just want him back. I keep reliving the last hour. The trauma of it is burnt in my mind and it is really making me suffer. I keep wishing I waited longer. I keep wishing I handled his illness differently. I feel responsible in part. I know cognitively this is all part of the grieving process - the stages of grief. And they are not liniar. I just keep going in circles. My own mother - who has never had a bond with an animal (or even a person) that is deep is telling me "don't think about it". As if that will make the ache in my chest magically disappear. This site has been the only thing that has remotely helped. I missed last Monday's candle light ceremony on here due to going on Calif time. I am signed up for next monday which is 8pm Calif time. I don't have his ashes back yet but I will light candles around his picture. My name is Jeri. I hope to see you at the vigil on here. It says to go on early to chat first. I miss my little monkey SO much. I can't believe he is gone. I am sure you are saying the same thing. I am so sorry for your pain. You have my sympathy and certainly my empathy. Jeri
jerigraehl
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Memories_of_Marmalade

Hi Jeri,

Thank you for your kind & gracious words. They mean a lot to me. I am very glad that I found this forum as well. It has been a true lifesaver to me, in every sense of the word. Like you I miss my beloved so much. I also can simply not believe he is gone and that I find myself in this new reality. Which is more like a living nightmare. I just want my boy back. He meant the World to me. I talk to myself quite often, morning, noon and at night. I argue with myself, I blame myself, I 2nd guess in an endless loop of what I did wrong? what I could have done better? How the circumstances could have been changed and thus possibly the outcome. but it is too late. He is gone. 

We are all in this together. We are not alone. 

James
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deedee76
Thank you Jeri and James for taking the time to be so kind and reach out to me I truly am thankful for your comforting words x I hope and long for the day that I can think of koby without an aching sick feeling in my stomach but for now I will take solace in the people I have met on here and hope someday that I might be in a position to comfort someone else x

Dee

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Memories_of_Marmalade


Dear Dee,

Thank you for your graciousness and kindness.

Please know that just your presence here and sharing your thoughts and your story here, is already comforting for many. As it shows that others are not alone in their grief, sorrow and quite often their guilt and regret.

Many who visit this forum do not post or share their stories, they simply read others comments to try and find empathy and some form of help coping with their grief and at times guilt. So please realize that you are already comforting others here.

I have found it someone cathartic and therapeutic to try and help where I can. As it was once said: "Grief has no value." I suppose by giving back in some ways, by trying to help others through their grief, I am trying to find some kind of value to my overwhelming feelings of grief, sorrow, guilt & remorse. A form of penance perhaps.

Kind regards,
James
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AnaF
I’m so sorry for your loss. We lost our girl on Sunday morning, in the opposite circumstances. She was very sick, and we took her to the hospital twice throughout the night, but the ER vet told us she was improving and ok to go home. She passed away in her sleep a few hours later. We are completely devastated and can’t stop thinking if she could have been saved if hospitalized. It’s so hard. But we are all in this together. ❤️
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deedee76
Thank you for your reply AnaF I am so sorry for your loss of your beautiful girl thank you for your comforting words I hope they are all happy watching over us wherever they are x

Dee

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Wileykitten
I am so sorry to hear that you lost your baby.. I think the same way you do, many thoughts that haunt us in these devastating times... I have posted many words on this site about my babies who have passed on and to this day, I still have those thoughts. Those haunting horrible thoughts that stir up so much guilt and regret and wonder and "what-ifs" and some part of our brain that tells us what our beloved babies were thinking... And your heart just breaks repeatedly until you fall asleep or something, no matter how small, is able to take your mind off the pain for just a moment. Please try to find comfort in knowing how much your dog loves you, even more than you love him... And when your heart is ready, you'll be able to focus on the time you were with him more than the time that you weren't. Be gentle with yourself...
❤Stacie
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