Tomorrow, October 5 at 1:45PM will mark 1 week since my Autumn Leaves passed. I am trying to cope but it’s very difficult with all of the reminders of Autumn around my home. Everywhere I go in my house there are reminders of Autumn. Her toys still lying were they were when she last had the energy to play with them, her food and water dishes are still there, just can’t bring myself to pick them up.
I guess I am holding on to the last memories of her. There are little smudge marks on the bottom of my bathroom door in my bedroom from where Autumn's nose used to push open while I was in there. I always knew when Autumn was coming to greet me in the bathroom because I would hear her little footsteps on the wood floor. Autumn made a game out of it, sometimes she would come in to say hello with a little boof, boof other times she would just push the door open without coming in and turn around and walk away, I could hear her footsteps on the floor as she left. Sometimes she would play this game 3 or 4 times until I left the bathroom to meet her in the living room. Autumn would be sitting on the couch on her favorite green blanket looking at me with her little head cocked as to say “What took you so long”
Autumn’s leash still sits draped around the coat closet by my front door, I would always take Autumn with me when I went to the mailbox in the morning. Yesterday was the first time since Autumn passed that I went to the mailbox without her. I went to grab her leash and I almost said like I have said hundreds of times before, “Go mailbox” Autumn’s two favorite words. I caught myself this time Autumn wasn’t coming with me this time. But then I decided to take Autumn’s leash with me this time, and will take her leash with me from now on. Somehow it was very therapeutic.
I noticed the other day that Autumn’s meds were not were they usually are, I guess my wife put them up. I still have Autumn’s other blanket in my office where Autumn would sit when I was on my computer, it still has her smell on it. I don’t plan on washing that blanket any time soon if at all.
I am still grieving and know I will be for some time; I have had brief moments were the pain is not as intense and I somehow feel guilty, then something will trigger me and once again the pain resumes, this occurs several times throughout the day and worsens at night. Last night I was looking at my back door and realized that I won’t need to install the doggy door for Autumn that I was planning and kicking myself for putting it off, I know Autumn would of wore that door out.
I also feel guilty for looking at sites that have Dachshund puppies for adoption, not that I am ready or deserve to love another dog just now or ever, plus there is no dog in the world that could ever replace my sweet Autumn Leaves. Yes, Autumn was a jealous dog. Anytime my wife and I would hug she would run over to us barking jumping on our legs until we picked her up for a group hug.
Autumn also did not like when my wife and I would argue, Autumn would bark aggressively until we stopped the nonsense. Autumn resolved a lot of our arguments that way. Autumn also did not like any violence, if she saw anything on the TV that even remotely resembled violence or even anybody arguing or raising their voice she would bark until we changed the channel. Autumn really did not like the Chantix commercial, the one with the purple turkey, she would run down the ramp from the couch and sit barking at that turkey 2 feet from the TV, something about that purple turkey Autumn did not like.
It’s almost a week now and I still can’t cope with the fact that Autumn is gone, I just want to go back 1 week and rethink my decision. I have my not so painful moments, but mostly painful up and down roller coaster of emotions, but as I have heard on this site, I have to assume the pain and suffering that I relieved Autumn of, the pain has to go somewhere. I hope Autumn forgives me but I understand if she doesn’t. I just want to know that there is a heaven for dogs and that my Autumn Leaves is there and is happy and free of pain and suffering, I just want a sign. I pray to GOD to show me a sign and I pray that I will recognize that sign.
I also want to thank everyone on this site who is going through their own pain and suffering for their kind words and encouragement and I pray that someday each and everyone of you will find peace.
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU