Leahbeahis
It's been a month already. Life doesn't stop for anyone, does it? It's like a wall pushing you forward, toward a cliff and you can't stop or slow down, you just have to jump when you reach the cliff. I'm not me anymore, not without Lucy. Everything is different now.

I hate having to fake it. I wish I could still talk to people about Lucy, both the good and the bad. I'm still traumatized over the way she died and seeing her like that. I feel unlucky because I'm almost never away from home. I'm a stay at home mom, so an outting is rare for me. Lucy has been tied up before. She NEVER moves around on leash! Whenever I'd leave, she would just lie in her bed and wait until it got home. She would never even eat while I was gone, and the minute I came home she'd chow down. Why did she move around that night? What was she trying to get to? How the heck did she knock 2 chairs down? She's not a rowdy dog at all. I know people don't like to talk about bad things but I want to know how it all went down, no matter how awful it was. How long did it take for her to go unconscious? Did she experience the feeling of oxygen starvation? Did she feel the pressure building in her head and in her eyes? Did she know she was going to die? Was she afraid? Did she cry for help? Was she wondering where I was or why I wasn't rescuing her? Why didn't she try to wiggle out of her collar? I knew collars were more dangerous than harnesses, but she didn't like the harness, it was uncomfortable. I put the collar on so loose that if she were to wiggle enough, her head could easily slip out. It doesn't make sense to me.

I feel cheated. I took so many precautions in order to prolong her life. On Tuesday she was supposed to have an appointment for preop testing to have her cataract removed. Other than that, she was as healthy as a 10 year old could be. I remember asking the surgeon a thousand questions about how Lucy would fair in surgery and in recovery. She probably thought I was nuts.

I picked up her ashes and I am pleased with the service, but it is a sad thing to go through. I get a call saying "Lucy is ready to be picked up" and I go to the vet for the last time ever, to pick Lucy up for the last time ever. Every time I ever picked her up from the vet, she would whine for me as soon as she saw me. I'd wrap her in a blanket and tell her that we were going home and she was going to be okay. She always fell asleep in the car on the way home, knowing she was with me.

I'm sorry for rambling but I miss her so much! I have all these memories that I never want to forget, because that's all I have now. That and her favorite toys.

Lucy I'm so sorry this happened, I love you so much little girl, forever.
~ Leah
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Lilimarie
I don't know if it has to do with the one month mark that makes this more realistic and tragic but I've thought all the same things you thought today. Mostly if he was scared and wondering why I was not there to rescue him. Ohmygod I feel so frantic tonight. It's probably one of the worst in a while, but I just don't want to believe this has happened. I would go out of town a lot to visit my husband and my neighbors (benni's second family) would watch him, but boy when I walked up the stairs up the porch, he would already be howling at their door to be let out and greet me. It was so sad picking up his ashes at the vet for me, too. As much as we went and they all knew I was an overprotective mama and would spend what I had to for his health and shenanigans, and he was full of shenanigans. One time he ate a bag full of chocolate covered almonds. Let's just say no one was allowed to bring chocolate into the house after that. And he's so silly. After all that, he was begging to have pizza that his uncle Matt was eating after we got back from the doggy ER at 6am. He was so crazy, like your little, adorable Lucy he would sleep in the car because he knew he was safe and with me. I wish I could help us both. And I'm sorry for all the loss in your life. I wish I could give us back that amazing love they had for us and we could still share stories about what they were up to today. I want to have faith and believe one day we will be together forever again, because today really sucks and my heart has never felt so heavy. I hope you have a better day tomorrow and Lucy knows she was always in the best of loving hands. The ones that cradled and loved her more than anyone else ever.
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Dalidog
Lucy knows you love her and miss her.  Accidents and illnesses happen.  You are like me in that we both tried to do everything for our babies, but then something happens beyond our control.  Mine had a quick illness and I often wonder and cry that I should have seen it a day or so earlier and gotten her to the vet earlier, although the vet gave her a shot, pills, and said she would be okay.  24 hours later she was gone, and I wasn't there to tell her goodbye or to know she would leave me.  That not getting to tell them goodbye kills me.  Today is 10 weeks for me....my one month was Thanksgiving day and I was and still am beyond despair.  I ache for my baby and find myself looking for anything that was hers or even a piece of her hair.  Try to focus on the good and talk to her, write to her, sing to her......others might not want to hear it, so I do this in private now.  Life goes on and it is cruel, each day without them gets sadder than the last....so I try to think that each day gets me one day closer to being with my Dals.  Take care of yourself.  I released balloons on my babys one month, notes to her attached....I hope she got them

Dali, as much a daughter as any human...  pure love
Until we meet again

http://rainbowsbridge.com/residents/DALI003/Resident.htm

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Leahbeahis
Thank you both again. Lilimarie, Benni reminds me of my sister's chihuahua, Lloyd, no chocolate allowed around him either (he would find Halloween candy a year after Halloween and no one could figure out where his stash was). Same here, Dalidog. I don't feel I'll ever get full closure because I wasn't there with her, holding her and talking to her as she passed. She deserved to be in the only place she'd ever dream of being in her last moments and hearing about how good of a girl she is. I hate seeing her tiny little hairs disappear more and more. Evidence of the life I had with her is slowly dissipating and it breaks my heart. I'm trying to hold onto it, because I don't want to live a life without Lucy. I don't want to go on alone. Life is so empty without her.
~ Leah
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graciesmommy
Oh Leah, this is such a hard thing to have to deal with. I can't imagine coming home to a scene like that. I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this, and all we can hope for is that things get easier and that we will be able to remember the wonderful times that we had over the years. It seems like you have been absolutely blind-sided when you lose your sweet little baby in such a sad way. Lucy knows that you love her so much, and she absolutely loves you too. The loss of a family member is so tough, and I have honestly never been so sad in my life as I am right now over the loss of my Gracie. I look at her crate and cannot bear the thought of moving it, because it makes things too real. I do not know how I have any tears left to cry, but somehow, I do. Even though losing our babies is so hard, I could never imagine trading the time that I had with her for a lack of sadness. The sadness, even though it sucks, lets you know how special of a bond you had with your baby. I hope you can find some peace tonight.
Gracies Mom
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